You need a good F***ing

[Searchingforananswer2023]

Background: Work full time 60+ hours a week and care for mother who is terminally ill. I have no existence other than work and care. No family support - totally isolated with parent.

I wanted to go to the cinema this week end, for various reasons relating to caring for her I cannot go. I commented that it was ridiculous that I have no time for myself. I find the last few years of care, cooking, cleaning, working mentally draining. I expressed the need for stimulation outside of what is becoming imprisonment. Her response 'you need a good f*ing.'

I am lost for words. I have had to walk away and come to bed.

Can someone please console me. I am trapped in this situation.

Let’s make it clearer. OP put what her mother said in the title. Then she put it again within her post. It was very clear that her mother had said ‘you need a good f*king.’

You said ‘is she wrong though.’

You didn’t like that you were pulled up on that and said you thought OP’s mother just meant she needed to ‘get a life‘ and that you were allowed your opinion. I pointed out that other people were also allowed an opinion on what you said.

A little advice, if you have a friend that’s not got much time to themselves then don’t tell them ‘they need a good f**ing.’ Given that’s your excuse for telling OP her mum was right.

You should say to her if I didnt have to look after you I would be!!!!!!!! Just an awful life for you. Very very ungrateful mother. Can you put her into a care home????

Don't be so ridiculous. OP is exhausted working 60 hours per week and caring for her ungrateful, vulgar mother and you think that a good 'fucking' would sort her out?

For some reason, OP feels some moral obligation to provide hand-on care to her abusive mum. I think that if she was able to cut contact with her mother, OP would feel so much better.

You know what Mum, you're not far off the mark. I've spent the last years looking after you to the detriment of my own personal life and wellbeing. It's a long time since I've been on a date or spent any sort of time treating myself. Please don't talk to me like that again.

Correct. And then she’d have “a life” that she states she wants. As I said, it was a poor choice of words when said to her, which I’ve interpreted as getting a life.

OP. Do you live with your mother in her property? If not, under UK law we are not obliged to be carers for our parents. Tell social services you are quitting and let her get on with it. Hard I know but abuse is no way to live.

I think OP said they own the house jointly.

Assuming that a woman just needs a shag so she can continue to be an unpaid carer is pretty gross.💙💚💛💜💯

Thank you to the vast majority who sympathised with me and lifted my spirits via this thread.

To those who echoed the sentiments expressed in the statement, I wish you well and I hope that you never find yourselves in my position

I am going to look into practical ways to get more support. I have read every comment and have some ideas moving forward. I think trialing respite would be the first step, it will also be a shock to the system for her.

The difficulty in this situation is her age, very ill and very young, so not able access everything yet. Financially she cannot get AA but gets disability and PIP. She will not pay for private care but that's a whole other thread, as she thinks her money is for food (an obsession) and general spending.

I am so glad you are going to try and find some more help. It's hard enough being a sole carer when you and the person you support love and respect each other, let alone when feelings are more complicated. Good luck and don't forget to come back if you have any queries or just want to vent your feelings.

Good luck and - COURAGE!

Thank you I have registered with my local carers hub and I am going to get a carers assessment for myself

@Searchingforananswer2023 have you managed to get out at all lately? When were you last out?

Only go to work and the petrol station, post office, supermarket etc

You definitely need to start focusing on yourself…..when is the last time you bought yourself a nice outfit, had your hair done or been on a good night out?……you are still young but time passes very quickly

Why not? It’s the main issue the op is dealing with.
I almost never swear and for sure never ever say that particular word. The title of this thread didn’t bother me at all.
if you are a bit too delicate to cope with reading it imagine how much worse it use have been to hear her own mother say it to her.
Have a smidge of compassion.

@Searchingforananswer2023 is there a hobby you’d like to spend time doing? Crafts, read a book, gym class, even just a daily stroll. Anything to make you feel more yourself and not just someone constantly on the go for others.
Hoping you things get better for you. xxx

I'm glad you are getting a carers assessment. Adult social services have the responsibility for conducting these, they will be contactable at your local council.
You do not have to live like this OP. You can say no to her. You have the right to say that.
I hope you find some peace.

Why do you work 60 hours a week? You would have more time if you reduced that to the legal 40
hours.

And find carers for your mum.

Don’t be a martyr.

That’s more important than the bizarre thing she said. What’s your relationship usually like?

She has already told us her work requires it with no flexibility AND her mother doesn't want to pay carers. She came here looking for helpful advice, not criticisms of things she can't change.

Why martyr yourself for a woman who seemingly doesn't care about you?

I think I’d have laughed, but there is nothing funny about your situation. Sorry OP, it all sounds very hard

Thanks, but this isn’t your thread. Nothing is set in stone, and sometimes people can’t see the wood for the trees.

Working 60 hours a week is illegal and unsustainable. Op could look for another job.

op’s mum does have carers in, so this could be reviewed so that more come in to give OP a break.

OP needs to talk to Age UK or Citizens Advice to find out how to change her living situation, how to sell her half of the house if she wants to, etc. There are options.

Parents can just be cruel and abusive, you know. They aren’t always lovely and wonderful and then they get the dementia.

OP, I bet there is more to this, has she always been cruel? It was a nasty thing to say. I’d recommend withdrawing as much as you can.

Thanks, but this isn't your thread either. I assumed based on the Qs you asked that you had not RTFT and didn't know what the OP had already told us.