You need a good F***ing

[Searchingforananswer2023]

Background: Work full time 60+ hours a week and care for mother who is terminally ill. I have no existence other than work and care. No family support - totally isolated with parent.

I wanted to go to the cinema this week end, for various reasons relating to caring for her I cannot go. I commented that it was ridiculous that I have no time for myself. I find the last few years of care, cooking, cleaning, working mentally draining. I expressed the need for stimulation outside of what is becoming imprisonment. Her response 'you need a good f*ing.'

I am lost for words. I have had to walk away and come to bed.

Can someone please console me. I am trapped in this situation.

This and similar comments are ridiculous. Not everyone wants to fck. Not everyone feels horny or capable of physical intimacy when they are dealing with massively stressful and emotionally burdensome caring responsibilities. Perhaps what OP actually needs is some time to herself and the ability to put her own needs ahead of the needs of her mother. Perhaps OP has had enough intimacy and just wants to zone out and watch a film. Funnily enough the impulse to visit the cinema and the impulse to have sx are not the same thing.

10 years is way too long, this needs to end now, you are wasting your youth, do not go and see her again until she appreciates your work and dedication, if anyone asks you can say she was verbally abusing you and you are burnt out…..she lived her life and you also need to live yours

What she is she and how long is she expected to live?

Does she or you have any other relatives that can help

I agree. Not that it helps but unfortunately it’s not uncommon. The person being cared for feels bad about being dependent and makes themselves feel better by being horrible to the person who is looking after them. And then of course is as nice as pie to the family and friends who only pop in infrequently. It’s really unfair and demoralising if you are on the receiving end of it 💐

Op I am so sorry that you are in this exhausting situation. I hope this thread is giving you the impetus to try and get some more support if at all possible.

I don’t know how the system works but might your mum be able to have access to the palliative care team at some point? If so, do they offer more support?

If you are facing more of a marathon then it’s vital you get time out to go out to the cinema or just have a sleep or a break. Is there anyone at your local church who would sit with your mum and extend the time that you can be away?

OP when we are upset, scared or frightened we always take it out on those closest to us and that is what your Mum is doing.
Your life must be hell but, sorry OP, your Mum's is worse.
You need to speak to the hospice about some respite care and perhaps some overnight care if needed.
I am so sorry you are coping with all of this on your own but you need a break and so does your Mum.

I’m so sorry OP, what a devastating thing to hear from the person whose care is making you exhausted in the first place! Sending you huge hugs plus hopefully the confidence to change things.

I think you have to guard your sanity a bit more here op. You say she panics when you are out past 5- is this dangerous? As she can be alone for a few hours, and she isn’t kind to you, and her being a bit stressed perhapsisn’t the end of the world. You’re very stressed, so the stress needs to be balanced more. Perhaps you need to consider being a bit more hard hearted and saying I am out for 3 hours Saturday night, I’ll do your dinner and put you to bed earlier and go out.
no mum I need a break. I will be out. I won’t be answering your calls. My phone will be on mute. Call an ambulance if you need one. I’ll be home by 11.
I think you can do this op. You matter too.

Stop it! This is such a stupid and misogynistic thing to say. A fuck is not a cure all. Certainly its not useful advice. The implication of her mother’s hostile statement is that OP is a moody bitch who needs a good shag to get over herself. OP doesn’t need a man to “fix” her “mood problem” because she doesn’t have a mood problem. She has an overwork/burnout problem as a caregiver.

How dare you ally yourself with this absurdly misogynistic statement. Women have real problems in this world. Not being someone’s fuck toy isn’t one of them.

My mum was cold and blunt, my aunty and gran are cold and blunt, my sisters are cold and blunt
. I’d say they’re all rude and lack compassion or empathy, and say horrible rude things. I of course am too sensitive. I hate being around them.
i don’t know your mum, we can become less inhibited as we age but if you say she was always like this then i feel you need to decide how much longer you can deal with this.
can you get carers in? Contact adult social care or age uk (whatever they’re called now), speak to GP etc and see if you can get support or consider care home. Don’t let it drag you down if it’s not fulfilling or bringing you any pleasure

I'm guessing your new half of people here don't have kids it's more a chatty site lol

Nothing, just don't expect mother's especially dying ones, to pretend their grown children don't have sex

I am so sorry. Hideous thing for your mum to have said.
I appreciate that respite per se won’t hit the spot, but for your own sanity get some breathing space. Contact Social Services and say you are at breaking point. (Actually, get the manager of the Elder Support Team in social services and say exactly what is going on and that you are at breaking point. Ask for a Carer’s Assessment, so that some small part of your needs are met.
You need to be on Social Services radar and you need support in getting your mother placed in suitable alternative care.
You deserve a life without the weight of this dragging you down. Definitely tell social services that you’re at breaking point.
(Have been a carer for forty years so I totally get where you are coming from )

Well, stop caring for her, then. She clearly doesn't appreciate everything you're doing for her. Fuck her, treating you like this. How dare she!

Do you have your own place to live?
BTW you can write "fuck" and "fucking" on here. You don't need asterisks.

So don't answer the phone!

AA is only for pensioners.

She should be getting PIP.

Have you looked into PIP allowance? This is for helping with costs to support care.

Thats not the issue and you know it. Its a crude, hostile, and reductive thing for this mother to say under these circumstances. Her dd is complaining that she has no time to herself, nothing that is not sacrificed to her mother. The right thing for the mother to say—and I am bith a mother and a daughter to an elderly mother—is “that sounds hard what would help?” Get a fuck is as stupid and rude as “try skydiving” as its not realistic or affordable given OP’s circumstances.

It’s a great pity your Mother doesn’t know which side her breads buttered. What a disgusting heartless, cruel thing to say. Perhaps you need to ease back to protect yourself, no one should be putting up with this behaviour.

As always with Mumsnet, what you should expect is for some posters to colossally miss
the entire point. This is an example. Also, ironically given your post, the mum in this case is doing the opposite of pretending her daughter doesn’t have sex, her comment is clearly saying her daughter does not have sex.

I haven’t read the whole thread, @Searchingforananswer2023 but that’s appalling. Gross. Icky. And coming from your own mum it must feel like a gut punch.
Christ I’m so very sorry.
You are in desperate need of respite care.
If you can’t qualify for any, find a nurse’s aide and pay her with your mother’s funds.
And don’t tell your mum - just let the aide introduce herself on the day of.
Voila - out of your hair.
❤️ sending love.

Time to look in the mirror and say “I’ve done enough” and find other caring options for your mum. It’s your wake up call for getting your life back.

Geez what a klutz.

So you think that's it's an appropriate thing for a mother to say to her daughter who is struggling to care for her very difficult mum?

I think what OP needs is some rest and some empathy.

It's a totally crass and inappropriate comment from her mum who obviously couldn't care less about her daughter's wellbeing and seems pretty ungrateful for the sacrifices that OP isi making.

What's the financial situation?
Your trapped because your living in her house and you don't earn enough to leave ??? Is that the situation.
So you need to look for a house share , social services will have to take over the care of your mother..or without you there ,she will do more for herself
Your are probably co dependent on each other ..she fills your life where otherwise a husband and children would be ,,which you tell yourself is her fault you don't have a family ...but most likely you were scared of commitment and used caring for your mum as an excuse to not have a relationship, because it's hard for you to be close to anyone
Your mum was abandoned as a baby ,so cold and un loving as a mother , leaving you with attachment issues.
You need therapy to help you leave ..she needs social services to take over her care
You are as trapped as you allow yourself to be

I think they’re probably men. Regardless they’re disgusting.

I'm not in the UK so not sure how things actually work there, but why can't she go into full time care? I would not be putting up with being spoken to like that. Fortunately neither of my parents would have wanted me caring for them if they were terminally ill.