You need a good F***ing

[Searchingforananswer2023]

Background: Work full time 60+ hours a week and care for mother who is terminally ill. I have no existence other than work and care. No family support - totally isolated with parent.

I wanted to go to the cinema this week end, for various reasons relating to caring for her I cannot go. I commented that it was ridiculous that I have no time for myself. I find the last few years of care, cooking, cleaning, working mentally draining. I expressed the need for stimulation outside of what is becoming imprisonment. Her response 'you need a good f*ing.'

I am lost for words. I have had to walk away and come to bed.

Can someone please console me. I am trapped in this situation.

Does she have dementia or some other cognitive or neurological condition, that could have caused her to say something so inappropriate?

No and judging by some the responses that agree with her on here this seems to be socially acceptable to a few

As she is terminal, would she be eligible to move to a hospice facility?

No, OP, it definitely isn’t and suggests a major history of bizarre, unloving behaviour. I’m so sorry you’re in this position. It sounds awful

Not yet, left to struggle at home

I mean an underlying condition that hasn't been diagnosed.

Baffled that there are posters who agree with OP’s mum that a woman grappling on her own with complex elder care atop a 60-hour work week must be, first and foremost, absolutely desperate for a shag.

Wtaf

Sounds really tough op, you have my sympathys. Have you had a carers assessment at all?

No tested for everything. On treatment regularly so nothing new.

Thank you

Had the assessment. Carers come in during the day when I am at work. She is an angel when they are around. OT has thrown every medical aid at us and this is it. Some people are really left in a terrible situation and we are one of them. I know I am not alone in this but her comment took my breath away.

That's awful so ungrateful and uncaring towards you. Are you registered as a carer? Any chance you could have carers in at times to give you a break? You need to look after yourself too.

Why are you caring for her if she abandoned you as a kid? You're not getting brownie points for martyring yourself for someone who treats you like shit.

Really, Just walk away

I appreciate your post because i actually couldn't get my head around what was meant by the comment. What an awful thing for a mother to say to a daughter.

OP, i hope you manage to find some distance, and to work less hours!! You must be exhausted!

They're not really saying that though...they're saying that the OP has no life.

I think everyone's focusing on the wrong thing.

Mixed message here. She was abandoned as a child so the struggle is there from that. That was not her fault.

Yes I am registered, there is no other help and support. Carers come in to check on her in the day, give her a pre prepared meal, make a cup of tea, all light touch stuff.

I am absolutely wrecked and one week just swings in to the next.

I worked full-time while caring for both my mother and my late husband. At least I had carers helping with Mum, but evenings were all on me and I had no time to myself - I have some understanding.

Mum died in 2015. My boss refused to let me cut my hours further (I'd gone down to a 4 day wk for a year, but was getting the same amount of work to do in 4 days) so I quit at the age of 58, to the detriment of my pension which I took early.

I don't recommend early retirement, from a monetary point of view.

Do you not have any kind of care package for your mother? [ETA Have just seen update.] Your mother is probably eligible for Attendance Allowance, given her terminal condition.

Can you contact Citizens' Advice and ask for help applying for AA and anything else that she might be eligible for? AA is supposed to be fast-tracked for someone in a terminal condition. You could use the money to buy in at least a small amount of [extra] care, preferably in the evening to let you have some kind of a life.

I think you need to look again, some posters do agree with her statement.

It sounds to me like she is starting with dementia.

The seemingly nicest of old ladies in care homes can come out with the most outrageous stuff. Sometimes it's when they have visitors, as if a familiar face enhances their vocabulary

It isn't personal.

Thank you. I will look into this.
I need to carry on working. I am young - 30s and need to safeguard my pension. I have a long life ahead of me and I need to think about my own future.

I'm really sorry to hear you're in this situation. It can feel absolutely endless. I'm not sure how much longer you will have to do this, but try to carve some time out for you if you can. Have a look at support for you .www.nhs.uk/social-care-and-support/support-and-benefits-for-carers/carer-assessments/ Can she pay for a carer at least some of the time? As she is terminal, she may be eligible for a fast-track assessment for NHS continuing healthcare if they think she has 12 weeks or less (explain exactly how bad everything is and don't let anyone minimise it). Request it when she is particularly struggling as their backlog can mean it takes them months to review and withdraw if she rallies. I've been there and we got it for nearly a year. I really hope this doesn't sound brutal but one day it will all be over and you will be free again - it's ok to feel relieved or any other emotion at that point. You will get there but see if any of the above can help you now. You are worth just as much as she is.

Sadly it is. I asked if if she knew what she was saying. She repeated it again. I told her it was inappropriate e.g mother to daughter, woman to woman. The response was 'I couldn't give a f*.