You need a good F***ing

[Searchingforananswer2023]

Background: Work full time 60+ hours a week and care for mother who is terminally ill. I have no existence other than work and care. No family support - totally isolated with parent.

I wanted to go to the cinema this week end, for various reasons relating to caring for her I cannot go. I commented that it was ridiculous that I have no time for myself. I find the last few years of care, cooking, cleaning, working mentally draining. I expressed the need for stimulation outside of what is becoming imprisonment. Her response 'you need a good f*ing.'

I am lost for words. I have had to walk away and come to bed.

Can someone please console me. I am trapped in this situation.

Any inkling how abhorrent what you’ve said is? Assuming you must be a man.

I’m guessing you must often find yourself having communication difficulties with people, and scenarios where they’re getting really upset with you or cutting contact and you don’t understand why? It’s because you’re wildly and inappropriately missing the point and trampling boundaries when doing so.

I’m so sorry. Having cared for two parents I totally understand how hard it is.

You certainly need a break. You absolutely deserve a life.

At least look at some respite care for her. Or maybe some regular help to take the burden off you so you CAN go to the cinema and feel less trapped.

Have you been in touch with your local carers group? Your GP should be able to put you in touch. They often do online meet ups if getting out is hard. Some provide sitting services as well to help you take a break.

Also consider if you want to carry on caring for her if she hasn’t been the best Mum? Could you walk away? Is a care home an option?

Big hugs, it is hard.

I didn't want to read and run - but I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're in this situation because it sounds so difficult to cope with. Remember that your life and your wellbeing are just as important as anyone else's. If this is the sort of 'thanks' you're getting, I hope you're able to take a step back and start putting yourself first. Please take that trip to the cinema and, if possible, try and take time out each day for yourself and to do things you'd like to do - I know that's easier said than done - but wishing you all the best.

You mention that she has no income but surely she is eligible for PIP? It’s an automatic approval when someone is terminally ill.

OP apologies if someone has already mentioned but remember you’re entitled to a carer’s assessment and if not one already, might be you need more support. Sorry this happened. Crude and rude.

Could be Attendance Allowance if older and still need to meet the descriptor criteria for DS1500.

I'm shocked your mum said this OP I opened the thread thinking it was possibly someone on OLD. Ignore and if she says it again be very clear that's inappropriate and your not open to those kids of remarks being made towards you.

I have been in your position and am now in my 40’s with no partner, no kids, and still caring. My advice would be step back, tell social care you can no longer provide care over and above what you feel is manageable ( you need to be very specific, and stick to it).
It will be so hard and you will feel guilty, but it will get better. When you are not living it, you have space to do other things.
im assuming your living with your Mum. Are you able to move out? That would help with putting in some boundaries.
i cared for my Mum throughout my 30’s and moved out when I turned 40 which has made a massive difference to how I feel

I have to agree with BMW6 here @Searchingforananswer2023. I am lucky enough to have a husband who both agreed to my DMum moving in with us (approximately 20 years ago), and he was there for me emotionally - he didn't do any of the pratical or care work, but I knew he wouldn't because that just isn't him, but me being able to off-load to him mentally really was a great boon to me - so already my experience was much better than yours OP. I also didn't have to go out to work, and couldn't have had my Mum live with us if I did, as my DM needed around the clock care as she was bedridden and had about middle stage dementia as well.

Anyway, I was not in good health myself when she moved in with us, but I had always promised my Mum in my head that she would never have to move into a nursing home, that I would look after her when, and if, she could no longer look after herself (I had worked in a nursing home many years earlier, when my children were still little, and could not stand the thought of her being in one - my DC were all adults by the time their Grandmother moved in with us, and only the youngest one, who is ND, still lived at home).

But although much of my childhood wasn't particularly happy, and that was mainly down to my Dad and his mental health issues, I was again, lucky enough, to have a lovely Mum, and when I was a mother myself to young children, my first husband left me, and my DM went way above and beyond anything a Mum of a healthy adult child would ever be expected to go. She made my next 4 years the happiest of my life (this isn't going to sound good, but the 4 years ended when I married my beloved DH - we have been married for over 30 years now).

So I had many years to know that I wanted to be there for my DM when ever she needed me. My health deteriorated quite rapidly after my wonderful Mum moved in, and after some months when my Mum's GP was visiting her, the doctor (female) said to me in private that I was looking increasingly unwell, so it was arranged for my Mum to have carers visit her several times a day to wash her and change her adult 'nappy'. I obviously still cooked her meals and brought them up to her, and washed her bedding and nighties, and changed her when she had passed a motion, as I wasn't going to let her stay in it until the carers came in. During most of the rest of the day I would sit beside her and watch TV with her, or chat, or sleep in the chair beside her if she was sleeping. At night I had a baby monitor in her room, and a bell.

Unfortunately, even with the carers coming every day, I continued to decline with my own health, until the time came when even my own GP (a male doctor from the same practice as my Mum's) told advised me that I couldn't shouldn't keep on looking after my DM (he used the crossed out words) as both the physical and mental load was still too much for me. I was devastated, but I knew he was right. I accompanied my Mum in the ambulance that took her to the nursing home - my DH and I had spent about 2 months calling in unexpectedly to all the nursing homes (it is a popular area for retirees), and we only found one that we thought was any good, well there was one that we considered the best suited to my Mum, but it was out in the countryside, and only privately funded, which sadly none of us could afford. That journey in the ambulance was the worst journey I have ever gone on, as my Mum said to me that she promised to be good if she could stay with us. Of course that broke my heart and I so wanted to get them to turn around and take us home, but my own health was getting really bad by then so we had to continue. My DH and I visited my Mum almost every day, spending at least for hours with her until she passed away.

I'm so sorry that this is so long OP, but I wanted you to realise that even someone who didn't work outside of the home, and certainly not 60 hours a week, and who had a Mum that very much deserved any sacrifices, which your mum unfortunately - for you - just doesn't, couldn't keep up with the stressors of looking after someone she really, really, wanted to! You have done your best OP, but now it is time to let the professionals take over. You never know, you might actually have the time and energy to not just get fucked, but to meet and have someone for you, to not only share the physical side of the relationship, but to be someone who actually puts you first, and is a loving companion, and "rock". You deserve a new happy beginning OP, I very much hope that you give yourself the opportunity to get that. 🩷 xx

OP, hope you are feeling better this morning.
It was shocking for your mum tp say this and I think you are showing resilience in dealing with it.
You must be experiencing a mixture of emotions and feel very unsettled.
Please seek advice and ensure your mum has applied for any relevant benefits ( ESA/ UC/ PIP).

Hopefully you can find a way forward to a more fulfilling life.

OP posted her age and she is too young for attendance allowance so assume it will be PIP.

Could you not put her in a home and go visit her there frequently?

Thanks. 👍

Having been a carer myself I know how tough it is - to say the least.

However, I think I would take the pronouncements of a terminally ill senior with a pinch of salt. That it has upset you so much shows that you are burned out and need a break.

Don’t give up on her. You have come this far and she presumably doesn’t have all that much time left. Try to secure carers for her. That would be good for both of you as it would help you to start reclaiming your life now and after she has gone.

I’m going to say this is a personality thing. As you can see, some posters here are thinking “well, you probably do” and it’s not that you’re desperate for a shag, it’s that it will take your mind off it and make you feel better. nothing more, nothing less. It sounds like your mum has always been different to you so I wouldn’t let this affect you tbh.

I’ve been a carer for several family members whilst working and though none of them full time and none of them in my home, it’s draining and unfulfilling. You need to step away as much as you can. It won’t be as refreshing as you think it will be but you will get time to breathe back and you need this. We do not owe people such care if we risk losing ourselves in the process. I really hope you’re able to find a way for her to get alternative care so you can get back to yourself.

Oh OP I am sorry. That was horrible. Time to step away from her and get your life back. The idea of caring for someone right after my last child becomes an adult (my ILs and parents will be mid 80s) fills me with dread as they are already awful - early 70s. Your post just haven’t pause for thought. Please let social services know that you cannot do this anymore.

That's a horrendous thing to say, especially given you are her daughter and carer! Ugh. I'm sorry :(

Me too OP. Lots of child free women on here x

So sorry, your situation is a nightmare. Hope you can get that evening support others have advised.

I know you have said you’re “not the type of person to put her in a home” but, with respect, very few people think they are. But you cannot spend the next few years (months) like this with no support.

you dont know the care home will be bad for her. My DM moved to one once she couldn’t walk to the toilet ie needed to be wheelchaired, the staff were lovely - they did games and craft stuff and DM enjoyed it. She developed dementia later but it meant she had company every day as well as visits on different days from family or a few remaining friends.
if your DM is only 60 this could be you for most of your life. But this is your choice.

Not a nice thing to say. Is she always so vulgar?

It sounds incredibly hard and like your doing a good job. I sympathise. Looking after elderly parents is hard.

I was wondering the same. Or a progressive condition affecting brain function. My own parent had terminal cancer and when it spread to the brain, it resulted in them saying whatever was on their mind with no filter. It could also be the fact that knowing she is terminally ill, se feels she has nothing to lose by speaking her mind - it does seem that there’s a history of coldness towards OP.

Tbh, f*cking is the least of your concerns OP. You need a carer's assessment done. Please contact your local centre. It doesn't take long to do.

Mine was done over the telephone in 45 minutes.

Does the local area have a Carers association? I was given loads of online bumf when dh was discharged, have only had chance to glance through!
Maybe contact your dm’s GP practice for any of the above? Ours has a Carers monthly coffee morn even though we’re in a somewhat rural area, I even get text’s reminding me! (but not managed yet 🙄).
Hope you get some sort of relief, remember to think of yourself 🙂.
edited to add: soz for repeating above reply.