You need a good F***ing

[Searchingforananswer2023]

Background: Work full time 60+ hours a week and care for mother who is terminally ill. I have no existence other than work and care. No family support - totally isolated with parent.

I wanted to go to the cinema this week end, for various reasons relating to caring for her I cannot go. I commented that it was ridiculous that I have no time for myself. I find the last few years of care, cooking, cleaning, working mentally draining. I expressed the need for stimulation outside of what is becoming imprisonment. Her response 'you need a good f*ing.'

I am lost for words. I have had to walk away and come to bed.

Can someone please console me. I am trapped in this situation.

Sorry your mum said this?

Is this out of character for her? Could it be caused by her illness?

There's some weird stuff on here tonight.

Yes

Not caused by illness, she repeated it. She knows exactly what she is saying.

Your perspective, sadly this is my life

Is she wrong though? You're saying you have no other life so it's unlikely to be the only thing you need but sounds like you need some support from carers to have more of a life

So sorry @Searchingforananswer2023 that sounds awful. You say she knows what she is saying, has she always been like this or is it part of the illness? That that the latter makes it ok.
Is there any way of getting some respite? You sound at risk of burnout.

Maybe it's time to suggest a nursing home to her 🤔

I don't need to be spoken to like this.

Did you tell her that caring for her was like imprisonment? Did you use that word?

FFS what is wrong with you?

She is not maternal at all, more transactional but she was abandoned as a child so I have always had to consider this coldness. Respite would be temporary, a permanent change in attitude is needed.

That is a truly bizarre thing for a parent to say to their child, even more so when it’s a female parent. I’m sorry OP! Can you be less available to her?

I was discussing the need for a break from the current cycle I am trapped in. I used the word imprisonment here.

I hear that, but at her age and state she isn’t going to change, so safeguardInv yourself is the best you can do.

OP you have allllllllll my sympathies. What a horrendous thing for her to say. Take the hint that this situation is terrible for both of you and start to plan to gain your freedom. If you can arrange some respite care take whatever money you can lay your hands in and go away for a weekend. Think about how you can recapture your life.

I plan to be, I care more than she does about her health and current state. Time to detach, do what I need to do and take a break

Why repeat it in the title?

I will do and thank you. No one understands how hard it is to care for someone until they do it.

Because it's currently ringing in my ears on a loop. Do you speak to your children like this?

You work 60 hours a week and care for your terminally ill mother?

Honestly she’s probably right.

That sounds incredibly stressful

Walk away OP. I'm so sorry you are being abused like this.

Enough now.

WTF

Thank you. I have to investigate more support