You need a good F***ing

[Searchingforananswer2023]

Background: Work full time 60+ hours a week and care for mother who is terminally ill. I have no existence other than work and care. No family support - totally isolated with parent.

I wanted to go to the cinema this week end, for various reasons relating to caring for her I cannot go. I commented that it was ridiculous that I have no time for myself. I find the last few years of care, cooking, cleaning, working mentally draining. I expressed the need for stimulation outside of what is becoming imprisonment. Her response 'you need a good f*ing.'

I am lost for words. I have had to walk away and come to bed.

Can someone please console me. I am trapped in this situation.

In what way do you care for her? Which means you can't have a break.

I agree her behaviour is appalling and cruel. But I wonder why you can't have a break. If you go to work, how doe she get along then?

What systems are in place in your country to assist people who are terminal? Isn't she eligible for any of them?

I’m so sorry, OP. What a nasty, deeply personal thing to say to you. You don’t deserve that from the woman you’ve given a third of your life in caring for. No-one should say such a thing, let alone your own mother.

When she says such cruel things, do you snap right back at her or tell her to shut up? If not, then start giving her a taste of her own verbal medicine. And she’s choosing to behave this way; lots of people with hideous childhoods turn out just fine.

I wonder what would happen if you told the council that you absolutely can not and will not care for her anymore? You need to take back control of how you spend your time before your own health becomes damaged. Maybe an extreme action like this is needed.

Why not? It sounds like she'd be happier there, she's nicer to the helping staff who come in than she is to you.

Yep. My childhood was horrendous and I'd never talk to my daughter like that. I'd insist on going in a home just to avoid blighting her life tbh

There are loads of people who don’t have kids, across all the forums. It’s a ridiculous way of trying to make someone feel unwelcome; that faux surprise ‘Oh, but I thought everyone on MN was a mum’. Fucks me off no end!

But not wanting to derail your thread, there has got to be a charity or support group who could at least listen and understand what you’re going through. Have you ever in your career been a civil servant? They have one for past and current employees. Or the Carers Trust? https://carers.org Not just for young carers.

Medication, cooking meals, washing, putting to bed, organising for hospital, all admin, prescriptions. She cannot stand or cook, can't even make a cup of tea.

This.

ignore that’s absolutely stupid fucking responses OP.

from women too what a joke.

Yeah it's a weird thing to say

Not mobile and prognosis is hard to say as treatment is keeping her going for now.

Yes, there’s a small chance she might get Covid, but she could just as easily get it from one of her carers who see multiple other clients every day. I would argue that the small risk of a person who is already terminally ill catching Covid is easily outweighed by the benefit you would both get from the option of respite care.

Your current situation has a very unhealthy dynamic and it sounds as if you’re very enmeshed with each other. She is obviously dependent on you, but although you’re unhappy and feel trapped, you also sound to me as if there are some elements of your situation that you could change, if you were willing to, but are making excuses not to.

I urge you to go onto the Carers' Forum and to seek advice about the house situation.

If your mother has no savings and no other income, have you applied for Pension Credit for her?

I only found out about all this type of thing when I was a bit older than you...In my experience, you learn from other carers.

I strongly suggest that you contact Citizens' Advice in order to get them to help you with the AA form. There's a certain way of filling them up and they will probably do it for you. They may also be able to find other sources of income/benefits.

@Searchingforananswer2023 Hello OP.

From someone who is in a similar situation (although not someone with a terminal illness in my case)... although your mother seems mentally fine, she is likely frustrated and upset by her illness. She is likely feeling some very intense emotions and she is probably thinking about some very big questions. This is likely to cause her to say things that are blunt, shocking and upsetting.

Although the words are upsetting, it's best to try to detach yourself from what she has said, and simply acknowledge it as something she said only because of her circumstances and her illness.

She is early 60s so not eligible for pension credit. I will look into AA

If your mum has less than 14k savings she may be entitled to carers funded largely by the local authority. Depends on what she can & cannot do for herself, I’m assuming not a lot if you are having to care for her so much when you’re not working. ,

Yes to this but it was cutting tonight.

I am used to her frustration but I feel like a line was crossed.

I can see that you absolutely do need a space to let your hair down, be your own woman and have more fulfilment in life outside of all the responsibility you have but this was an inappropriate and dismissive response which really missed the point was a bit of recognition for what you're going through and acknowledging that yes this is hard and a lot.

I have a difficult relationship with my mother ( although a very different situation ) and I've learnt that I just can't expect more from her than what she has the emotional availability to give. Unfortunately that means I'm not going to experience that maternal mother relationship with her and she won't be the person I can share any vulnerability with. But I do speak to friends and a therapist about this which provides me with an outlet. I think it might be worth speaking to someone, maybe a citizens advice service or a specialist charity related to her illness, and see what support you'd be entitled to and discuss what support she'd be getting if you weren't in the picture to do all that you are doing. Then id try to get what you can in place and take some respite first to give yourself a chance to clear your head and then think about what you are actually able to provide realistically. I'd also maybe speak to your work to see if there's any carers leave/flexible working adjustments or staff support provision you could avail of? Is it absolutely necessary for you to work 60+ hour weeks or do you need to rethink your work hours and boundaries? Could you look at part time for a fixed term period for example? Or if you're working overtime because of workplace culture - stop?

I think you’ve made being your mother’s carer into your entire identity and are martyring yourself to prove a point to her. There’s a co-dependency here. It’s an unhealthy dynamic which you could change.

When my husband was dying, his best friend and I visited hospital twice a day to make sure he was fed while we waited for a palliative bed. Then they tried to get me to agree to bring him home and nurse him here til he passed. His best friend said No we want him to have full professional care.

That is what you want for your mother - professional care. You don't have the training or the necessary rest breaks to provide her with professional care. She needs a nursing home to provide her with professional care.

Feel for you OP & how much you must feel like you’re drowning. Being told that by the person you’re doing your best for, when you feel you have no choice but to & have no distance from must have felt incredibly cruel. So easy to say it must be her illness talking & not a true reflection of what she truly thinks. It still hurts. Hang in there & hope you get some more support as per advice of other PP’s on here.

There is no flexibility in my job sadly

You have to be pension age for AA as well, unfortunately. However, I believe that there is an equivalent payment available for someone in your mother's situation, particularly since she is terminally ill.

Please do contact Citizens' Advice. I have neighbours who have found them to be very helpful.

what is wrong with you?

💐 I'm sorry OP. It sounds incredibly stressful and honestly sounds like your on the edge of a breakdown. I know I would have cracked a lot sooner. I think your mums words are shocking, I could not imagine in any circumstance ever saying to my DC. I would explore your options as blunt as this sounds you cannot waste your life caring for your mum. I would do as much as I could if my mum wasn't able to but couldn't commit to the amount you do. Actually my mum has already said she wouldnt want us to care for her full time

No martyrdom here
No co-dependency either - I am my own woman

I agree with this. Focus on changing jobs so you are’nt working so much and then try to carve out some time in a cafe/movie/hobby space even if she is left on her own for an hour or so.