You need a good F***ing

[Searchingforananswer2023]

Background: Work full time 60+ hours a week and care for mother who is terminally ill. I have no existence other than work and care. No family support - totally isolated with parent.

I wanted to go to the cinema this week end, for various reasons relating to caring for her I cannot go. I commented that it was ridiculous that I have no time for myself. I find the last few years of care, cooking, cleaning, working mentally draining. I expressed the need for stimulation outside of what is becoming imprisonment. Her response 'you need a good f*ing.'

I am lost for words. I have had to walk away and come to bed.

Can someone please console me. I am trapped in this situation.

She's lucky to have you there. Wonder what she expected you to say to that. Do you have employment outside of this situation? How old are your own children?

This sounds so difficult @Searchingforananswer2023 - I would be so hurt by this.
What would happen if you just went home late one evening? Or went out for the day on Saturday? Is she able to do anything for herself?

Thank you, she doesn't seem to get the impact it has on me, just herself. I have been caring for nearly 10 years now.

I know what it feels like to be a carer OP and my heart goes out to you. I didn’t do all the care and a 60 hour working with either but I still wasn’t far off a nervous breakdown at times. My usually lovely parent said some awful things to me and by bit it dawned on us that dementia was setting in. Can you phone the GP and social services to say you need help and are struggling ? You can’t do this alone and your life matters too.

I have no children, which I am not fussed about. To her I am a spinster which is embarrassing.

She can sit int he house for a few hours as long as medication and aids are around her. When I go out the phone calls are endless. Panics if I am not home by 5pm.

Honestly I despair at the lack of reading comprehension skills and general lack of compassion demonstrated by some of the replies here.
Caring for a terminally ill relative is exhausting - mentally, physically and emotionally. Hearing nasty comments from the ill person makes it that much worse. I echo the advice others have given - try to get some respite care to get away, even if just for a few hours. Tell the carers, the doctors, anyone else involved with your mother’s care that you are at breaking point. If you weren’t there something else would have to be put in place for her.

In all honesty, if that's how she treats you - and it's downright abuse - I think you need to go no contact. Do you live with her? Her childhood is no excuse for the frankly evil way she's treating you.

Thank you for your support.

My mum was awful to me like that, I cut her out for 2 years until she apologised now am just on talking terms. Shes very bitter and has never shown any affection to any of us her children.

Make yourself less available and have the Nursing home chat with her!

😂

If the mother was a husband she was caring for the responses would all be to put him in care / let him deal with it himself. In afraid I don't see why being a mother should be any different

I would be telling her to start looking for a paid carer if she has money or asking the gp to sign post you to social care if not as you cannot continue to be abused

You have all my sympathies op and caring is a really hard thing to do and often gets dumped on us women as though it's a given xx

It appears to me, sadly that your mum has lost her 'filters' due to her mental decline.
My own mother was starting with dementia (it hadn't been diagnosed at the time) and had to be visited by a Community Psychiatric Nurse. They didn't get on and she told me that if he came back she would "kick him in the bollocks".

I think maybe it is time for you to request a psychiatric evaluation for her.

I am sorry you are in this situation, I know how difficult it can be.

Leave her for one evening and take your mothers advice.

Sympathies here OP.

Just because you're caring for someone it doesn't miraculously make them any nicer to you. Combine that with the unimaginable stress of them knowing they're dying and I can see how you're getting abuse. I'm surprised it's not more people's experience tbh!

Jesus OP I'm so sorry, that's awful of her, you don't deserve that at all

You really do need some respite care, for you to rest and do something nice for yourself.
And no, she shouldn't have spoken to you like that.
Could she go in to respite care or hospice care ?

I found AA to be a big help.

The council provided help for Mum via a private company. I was able to ask the company to provide extra care for her and used the AA plus her pension and savings to pay for it.

The council was also prepared to provide a limited amount of respite care for Mum, in a council care home. I believe that it is also sometimes possible for respite care to be provided in the home, but it varies from council to council.

I can't remember the exact term, but you're supposed to be able to request some kind of social services assessment for the carer. Few people are aware of this.

You can get information from the Carers UK website and they have a useful forum. It's free to become a member.

https://www.carersuk.org/

Do you actually live with her? Can she do anything for herself? You have to look into some kind of help; it’s neither your duty nor your responsibility to look after her full-time. Please think of yourself.

Oh I just assumed you did with the site being called Mumsnet, I thought it was for Mum's (not that there's anything wrong with not having children). I was going to say if you had kids at home to have her move out to protect them from these inappropriate outbursts. You mentioned she's terminally ill, how long does she have left?

Oh I see, being generous her reaction may be that shes uncomfortable being dependent, so projecting that out (making you feel uncomfortable i.e. what she feels). It's the kind of bat shit thing my mum might say in a heat of moment thing. Doesn't make it less hard and your feelings are valid.

yes live in carer

That’s awful of her. What’s the housing situation? How long has she got to live?

This is an awful situation for you. Obviously you don’t have to tell me but what’s the situation with housing? Are you protected after she dies? If it’s hers, do you have PoA to release some of the equity to pay for care to give you time to escape and breathe for a few hours.

Otherwise, if she’s fully with it, and can manage with her bits around her, then tell her you’re going out and you’ll be home at 8. And then switch your phone off.

You have to protect yourself because otherwise something will break. And that something cannot be you.

No money she is living off me now