Genuinely, what the hell do I do?

[LolNotFunny]

I know this will make me sound awful but I really need some advice because I have no one to talk to in real life. My fiancé is 47, I’m 33 and we have a 3 year old. We have been together for 7 years. He is a good dad. His age has always been a bit of an issue for me but I loved him so much so we carried on. Recently though I have found myself increasingly more bothered by it. I have lied to my colleagues about his age because I was embarrassed. The fact he’s nearly 50 freaks me out. We argue quite a lot. He has PTSD so has some anger issues and can become really defensive at the most innocent of comments. I’m very sarcastic which he doesn’t get and just sees as criticism or me having a go. I feel like I have to censor myself sometimes and I find this really hard. We have gone from having a nice day one moment then one comment is made by me and it turns into a big argument over literally nothing. I remember the other year on the last day of our holiday I literally just said something about not believing there was no more room in his suitcase with a smile as I had more to pack and he flew off the handle basically saying I was accusing him of lying. He is quite serious and obsessed with the news. We are engaged. My friend once asked if it would be the happiest day of my life because she said she can’t wait to marry her partner. I honestly don’t feel that way. If we got married, it would be transactional (I know how cold that sounds). We own a house together. I couldn’t afford to live here without him. He loves me very much and pays all the bills, has taken life insurance out so we are always cared for, I would be entitled to his pension and he is likely set to inherit a substantial amount of money, enough to clear the mortgage. The relationship is by no means toxic or abusive, our son is happy. I’m just not in love and happy. I’m not unhappy per see, probably a little indifferent. I could stay and play nice. If it was just us, I’d have left I think but we have our son and I have to think about the life we can give him as a couple versus just me. I could move back in with my parents but I love our home and I know me and my son are financially protected. The money etc. shouldn’t be a factor but unfortunately it is. My question is with all of the above, what would you do?

In marriage, sometimes you have to work hard at making the magic, no matter whom you marry. That being said, the age difference is not easy, and very possibly he feels it too. And your child's happiness & stability is important now. Try to become financially independent, emotionally aware, look deep - it's a hard place. Good luck.

I haven't read the whole thread so please be patient if I reiterate previous posts.

I adore my DH, although he's not anything I saw as attractive when I met him. He is kind, and clever, and kind.I can't imagine a world without him, but I do like the idea of a fortnight away from him, on an intensive language course.

Explaining, I want the intellectual challenge without any repercussions. I want to speak, read and understand a language better. It has nothing at all to do with our relationship.

As someone who has been here.... leave. You dont know happy and free you will feel right now but the size of the house will not compare to the weight being lifted. Your child will grow up in a happier, less stressed environment too

Yeah I’m voting leave. My husband is over 50 and I’m nearly 40. Im not ashamed of him so don’t feel the need to lie. You do.

Sarcastic comments which you probably deep down mean are landing wrong and this is in front of your son. What example are you setting him? Your husband shouldn’t be getting angry but you sound like you are being horrible to him tbh. You don’t love him and sound like you are settling for financial reasons and that’s horrible for all of you.

His age doesn't matter...his behaviour does..

Your son will grow up and be with a woman just like you.

OP, I think would be very difficult to get married feeling the way you do about him.

Before doing anything drastic, I'd go to therapy for yourself, to try to figure out whether it's a you or a him issue. You said you once loved him "so much."

I'm not keen on the anger issue of his. FYI that will probably get worse once you're married.

You are so fortunate yet you just cannot see it. If it weren’t for the fact your child will be hurt in the process I’d really like your husband to see what a prissy princess you are and tell you to feck off pronto so he can have a less self centred, entitled little madam gusting him

You mean her behaviour surely

Sometimes I read posts on mumsnet that stick with me and this is one of them.

Your husband has MH issues, you make comments you know are going to upset him and he will take as put downs but do it anyway and then when he gets angry you act like the victim? He also financially supports you despite you not being in love with him?!?! Mind blown. Would love to hear the hubbies take on things but wow. Please leave for him and your son so your son doesn’t have to witness you put down his dad on a daily basis.

At 49 you are certainly not ‘mid career’, please make no mistake about that. 49 & 60 isn’t a huge gap (unless you make it one)

Very obvious you dont love or respect your fiance. You are staying for a lifestyle only. Life is too short, let him find someone who isn't embarrassed by his age. Sarcasm is intolerable to most people.

How is she fortunate? He sounds abusive, she’s walking on egg shells, she feels she can’t be herself around him incase he reacts, he takes everything far too seriously. OP isn’t fortunate at all. She should leave.

He pays all the bills. She’s kept. She’s bothered because he’s older. She needs to grow up and you can jog on too

Erm.., yes a 47 year old is an old person to someone in their early 30s. In the same way a 20 year old would find a 33 year old person old. In the same way a 45 year old would find a 60 year old, old! What are you on about?!

She’s in her golden age FFS! She’s only 33!

@LolNotFunny can you see yourself with this man for the next 20-30 years? If the answer is no then you should just move on and end this relationship.

@LolNotFunny I’m surprised his age is such an issue for you now though considering when you met you were in your mid 20s and him already 40. You say it worried you then also but you loved him but 7 years later his age is now bothering you to the point it’s ‘freaking’ you out and you even lie about it to colleagues and don’t think marrying him will be the happiest day of your life.

I know it later transpired he has PTSD issues and at times a short fuse but you seem to mention his age as the thing that really troubles you and you even started your post with that issue. I agree with the PP that said I don’t think you really do love him. The evidence is clear from you already being unsure of the wedding. I think you must have been seduced by the fact that you could just crack on with life quickly with a man ready for a family life and together you could afford a home etc. I don’t think you were wrong to want that but unfortunately that ‘love’ seems to have died a premature death and yiu should just cut ties. You’re a fairly young woman still with plenty of earning capability and many years to meet a man closer to your age who you actually like also. Don’t sacrifice your one chance at youth stuck in a loveless marriage. Your DP is not a fool who won’t ever recognise your true feelings eventually and you’re not clever enough to never break your ‘play nicely’ act forever either. It’s not fair on either of you to essentially be living a lie to each others face. I wish you the best.

Someone in their 50s isnt old yes older than this woman but not old old by definition....keep up sweetie

If I were you I would stay. No long term relationship is without compromise and you need to consider your son.

It's your decision to make. I think allot of relationships can end up being out of necessity. I think you just have to look at the future will ulyou still be ok to live that way. I wasn't and I'm a single mum, but I still have a belief that 'true love' is out there. In these types of situations it's like that both need to see a therapist to work through why you are sarcastic and why the other person gets angry by it. I'm very similar and I think it comes from somewhere.

OP, why are you paying for nursery and half the mortgage when you only work four days a week? He should be footing at least half of the bills, unless he earns less than you.

"Our son goes to nursery four days a week which I pay for myself. I work four days a week and I pay half of the mortgage."

Goodness OP you sound awful.

Leave him. There is no hope in your situation at all. He isn't going to get any younger to spare your blushes, and he isn't going to become a nicer man as he gets older to spare you his bullying. At 47 you could be looking at 40 years before you're free with his life insurance and pension behind you. That's a very poor deal indeed.

It's really hard to know, from what you have said, whether he has a problematic temper or whether you are experiencing it like that because you don't like him. None of us are there or have witnessed the arguments..... Your suitcase comment would have been a bit of lighthearted banter between some couples, and a hurtful criticism among others - totally depends on context, how it is said etc.

But to an extent I think his temper/the PTSD is a red herring here (and forgive me, I don't mean to be dismissive - if he is aggressive and scary that is obviously not acceptable and I am sorry that happens to you).

But the very clear thing from your post is that you don't love the man any more. In fact, for whatever reason, rightly or wrongly (if there even is a right or wrong here) you are embarrassed by him.

But, it makes financial sense for you to stay.

And the brutal truth is, many many people stay in relationships for that reason. I have a friend who fell out of love with her (perfectly nice, but no doubt a bit infuriating) husband 10 years ago now, but stays because she loves her house and couldn't afford it on her own, plus her daughter is happy and close to both parents and she fears upsetting her.

If it were me I would leave. I have done so a few times, to my greater impoverishment, because I can't live a lie and pretend to be in love with a man when I am not.

But plenty do, so I won't judge you. Indeed, perhaps it's even the right thing to do to put your kid first? I don't know.....

The questions I would ask myself, and answer as honestly as I could, if I were you, would be:

A) if I stay, will I be able to control my words and refrain from saying, unprompted, things that are hurtful, rude or dismissive of him.

B) what will sex be like. Can I still have enjoy sex with him? (Please don't force yourself if you dislike it). If I can't, is he the sort of man who can thrive in a sexless relationship?

C) will I be tempted to cheat? If so, what will that do to him?

I hope you come to a decision that works well for you all.

Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit. Leave him. Money isn't everything even with a child. What on earth is embarrassing about being with an older guy? Older men are usually more mature, wise and have interesting stories because they've lived more. It's sad that in Western society, age is seen as a negative. Why did you even get with this guy? It sounds like you're using him for money and because he knows you don't really love him, frustration and hurt may be projected as anger.

I think its wise to weight it all and to leave a marriage protects you as the mother of your shared child far better than as a fiancé. It sound like the relationship has major issues but very few are perfect, however, you might not want your son to grow up in a family now knowing what it looks like to love a woman and be loved by one or he might also one day think its ok for a relationship like yours - if that is an ok enough one for him one day by all means stay. Alternatively marry for your son's sake as you said, transactional, and insist on couples therapy and separate if it does work out - sometimes a month on tinder is all you need to fall deeply in love with your partner again but he sure needs a bit of help.