I don’t think you sound awful – more like you’re at a crossroads a lot of people hit after years together even if they don't consciously acknowledge it.
Long-term relationships don’t usually fall apart in one big dramatic moment. More often they chip away bit by bit, when people take each other for granted or stop noticing how their own attitudes are shifting. That erosion can feel small at first, but if it goes unchecked it turns into something much bigger.
The first years of a relationship run on powerful fuel – novelty, attraction, that thrill of discovering each other. Most of us call that being “in love.” It’s intense, but it’s not built to last forever. Biology and psychology agree on that. A couple of years in, the butterflies die down, and what’s left is the question of what foundation you’re going to build on. If you expect the thrill to just keep going, you’re going to be disappointed.
That’s why the whole “seven-year itch” cliché has some bite to it. Around that point the flush has worn off, life has gotten heavier – kids, house, work stress – and you’re faced with: okay, what keeps us going now? If the answer is “butterflies,” no one passes. If the answer is shared values, mutual projects, and the daily choice to stick with each other, then the relationship changes shape instead of breaking down or sliding into a kind of indistinct indifference.
From what you wrote, your partner clearly has good points: he’s a solid dad, pays the bills, loves you, makes sure you and your son are secure. At the same time there are obvious difficulties – PTSD, defensiveness, the way your sarcasm clashes with his sensitivity. I'm not minimizing that. But what jumps out is that a lot of your unhappiness - it seems, from what youve written - isn’t about some major betrayal or abuse, it’s about the gap between what you thought a relationship would feel like at this stage and what it actually does feel like - where the person that biochemical rush projected begins to fade and a mere mortal human being with their many faults emerges more clearly. (hint.. if you're looking for a human being without faults then you're out of luck on planet earth)
The bit about marriage being “transactional” is interesting. To be honest, at seven years in with a child and a house, marriage is partly transactional. It’s not the same as two twenty-somethings rushing into it in a blaze of romance. You’ve already built a life, so marriage formalises what you’re already living. That doesn’t mean it can’t also be meaningful – but the meaning is quieter, steadier, less thrilling than the first flush.
Something else worth saying: sarcasm and defensiveness are a bad mix. If your default is sarcastic comments and he’s wired to take things as criticism, you’re going to keep hitting this wall. That’s not just his issue, it’s the dynamic between you. That might feel like losing a part of yourself, but it’s really just adjusting how you communicate so the spark doesn’t keep turning into fire. Every couple has to do some version of that. Only you can decide if thats an actual adjustment and adult compromise - or if this is genuinely suffocating who you are..
I can’t tell you whether to stay or go – only you know if you’re willing to put the work in. But I think the better question isn’t “am I still in love?” It’s:
- Do we share values that are worth building on?
- Can we find projects that keep us moving in the same direction (parenting, home, future plans)?
- Am I willing to shift some of my own habits, not just hope he fixes his?
- Does this relationship, even with the rough edges, help me grow or am I shrinking in it?
If most of those come out as “yes,” then what you’re feeling might just be the normal middle stretch of a long relationship, where love becomes something you do rather than something you feel all the time. If they come out as “no,” then ..well you'll have to think more deeply about what's going on.
The most blunt thing i'll say is that it MAY be that you had a slightly immature attitude to relationships and now - with various difficulties, and the '7 year itch' phase of relationship changing you are faced with some decisions about that.
Look at what you’re already building, decide if it’s worth keeping up, and if it is then commit to renewing it over and over again. Because the reality is that long-term love isn’t just something you feel – it’s something you choose and keep choosing.