Genuinely, what the hell do I do?

[LolNotFunny]

I know this will make me sound awful but I really need some advice because I have no one to talk to in real life. My fiancé is 47, I’m 33 and we have a 3 year old. We have been together for 7 years. He is a good dad. His age has always been a bit of an issue for me but I loved him so much so we carried on. Recently though I have found myself increasingly more bothered by it. I have lied to my colleagues about his age because I was embarrassed. The fact he’s nearly 50 freaks me out. We argue quite a lot. He has PTSD so has some anger issues and can become really defensive at the most innocent of comments. I’m very sarcastic which he doesn’t get and just sees as criticism or me having a go. I feel like I have to censor myself sometimes and I find this really hard. We have gone from having a nice day one moment then one comment is made by me and it turns into a big argument over literally nothing. I remember the other year on the last day of our holiday I literally just said something about not believing there was no more room in his suitcase with a smile as I had more to pack and he flew off the handle basically saying I was accusing him of lying. He is quite serious and obsessed with the news. We are engaged. My friend once asked if it would be the happiest day of my life because she said she can’t wait to marry her partner. I honestly don’t feel that way. If we got married, it would be transactional (I know how cold that sounds). We own a house together. I couldn’t afford to live here without him. He loves me very much and pays all the bills, has taken life insurance out so we are always cared for, I would be entitled to his pension and he is likely set to inherit a substantial amount of money, enough to clear the mortgage. The relationship is by no means toxic or abusive, our son is happy. I’m just not in love and happy. I’m not unhappy per see, probably a little indifferent. I could stay and play nice. If it was just us, I’d have left I think but we have our son and I have to think about the life we can give him as a couple versus just me. I could move back in with my parents but I love our home and I know me and my son are financially protected. The money etc. shouldn’t be a factor but unfortunately it is. My question is with all of the above, what would you do?

The first thing I would do is stop being sarcastic. It's easy - I've done it myself. Choose not to.

😂

You sound mean and you are using him. Please just leave and let him meet someone nicer to spend his life with.

He doesn't love you. You don't snap at people and make their environment uncomfortable if you love them.

Of course he's given you his life insurance. He's going to die before you and that makes you feel like he loves you, despite his actions showing otherwise, which ensures you will care for him as he ages.

It's the same as 'of course I love you, look how much I'm putting towards our wedding' when a full-time cook, cleaner, sex worker, therapist, nanny, and emotional punching bag would far outweigh that cost over their lifetime.

He's using you and giving you tokenism.

This.
OP, get away from him.

I think you need to speak to a professional counsellor. Then maybe you both need to - together . It sounds like it’s something that can be worked out.

.

YADNBU
When someone bites your head off for no reason at all it’s very disconcerting. It’s like there are issues brewing up in his head and you are taking the brunt of it.

If you can’t make a jokey innocuous comment about space in his suitcase, I’m not surprised you’re walking on eggshells.

You don’t love him, and I totally get leaving without a second glance if you haven’t got a child, but it’s a completely different ballgame when you’ve got one.

You’re so young to be living like this, I think I would go back to my parents if it was me. Do you get on with them? Could you live with them quite happily?

I know 47 sounds old, but he’s also got a long future ahead of him as well. Maybe he should meet some his own age that he wouldn’t dare bully!!

Being sarcastic all of the time is childish and boring to a partner. It sounds to me as if you don't really like them. They can sense that. You should never have had a child with them if you had to lie about their age. To be honest, 50 is nothing, and as you get older it becomes more meaningless. When you hit the perimenopause, you might be glad you are with an older guy. :-P But I don't think you deserve him to be honest, you are being really disrespectful towards him. Grow up.

I bet it is not for no reason. She is making snarky comments all the time, feels she has to lie about him as she is embarrassed. He likely picks up on it all and feels resentful. Men having feelings too. And they know when they are being disrespected.

You're not compatible. If the age gap bugs you now, it'll only get worse. My friend has a big age gap with her husband, and it seems more obvious now than ever, now that he is in his 60s, getting knee replacements and thinking of retirement, whilst she is in her mid-40s. I don't see how your relationship can continue, would you like more children?

43 - your prime??? LMFAO. In what universe is that? Perimenopause hit me and everything went to shit quickly. No hot mama 40s for me.

I just had a baby and am 44 and feel in my prime and the last thing I'd want to be doing right now is preparing to wipe an old bald bloke's arse within the next 10 years.

"I remember the other year on the last day of our holiday I literally just said something about not believing there was no more room in his suitcase with a smile as I had more to pack and he flew off the handle basically saying I was accusing him of lying."

In all of it, this stands out to me. You 'just said'. Why did you say it? Why couldn't you 'just' accept his answer? Smiling makes no difference.

I think (but of course, I don't know) that he flew off the handle because he is tired of being subtly and sarcastically corrected/doubted/disregarded. The drip of a tap.

Can't say as whether or not you should stay married to him. Probably not. You're mismatched now even if you weren't before. It's a lot for you to think about. Good luck with figuring things out. Mind that sarcasm now.

He sounds awful and he needs to seek professional help for his PTSD.

Blowing up at you for no good reason, will slowly but surely teach your DS how to conduct himself.

I’m not surprised you’ve fallen out of love with him.

I would walk. You are young and you’ve got your whole life ahead of you.

This isn't working, OP. You know it isn't. There's blame on both sides, for him to act out his anger issues like this isn't OK (yes it must be hard for him with PTSD but it sounds like he needs help managing it, and you shouldn't have to tolerate angry outbursts) but neither is your ageism. Sorry but it's ridiculous to be freaked out he'll soon be 50, it's not like he's going to grow a pipe and slippers overnight. Plus it sounds like your sarcasm isn't landing right, you need to take some responsibility for that. But you also say you don't feel in love which makes me think you both need to draw a line under this and set yourselves free. Honestly for both your sakes (and actually your DS's, far better for him to see two separated parents who are happy than two miserable ones who are together) in your shoes I'd be looking to move towards an amicable separation.

What a ridiculous and disgustingly ageist post.

There's nothing more soul destroying than being with someone you are not in love with. When it's gone it's gone and it's not a good environment for a child to grow up in.

Newsflash: not everyone loses their hair or becomes incontinent in old age. FFS.

I beg your finest pardon...why does that make him entitled? Assumption much! Who's to say he wasn't trying that and just happen to connect with someone younger?

Why are we all obsessed with this prescribed notion of what love should feel bssed on what is drill into us and conditioned. Maybe they connected and bonded in a unique way. Look at Keanu Reeves would you say same thing then?

Honestly drive me nuts, women have no problem parading themselves to attract a younger man. I literally know middle age women in a meetup group who go out, get absolutely wasted and unashamedly scowl and try to attract younger Men. When purpose of meetup is to encourage people to try and meet other people who don't have opportunity to do so in welcoming civilised setting. I'm not saying Men aren't predators, but your assumption is making out he felt entitled which is big assumption to make based on what exactly? You know its possible to connect with people of all ages right?

Life is too short. You don’t love him

split up

def don’t marry and even more so for money /support /safety

So you met when you were 25ish and he was heading to 40

what made you like him ?

You really don’t sound happy together. What is he meant to do about his age? Why does it matter if he’s 50 in three years? 50 year olds aren’t at deaths door - lots of them have 30-40 years of life left after that. You sound very immature - I used to freak out and think 30 was ancient when I was 21. Then I grew up a bit, well before I turned 30 myself. I don’t think you are meant to be and it’s probably best if you split.

And not every woman over 40 is tired and hormonal and infertile but here I am and I would bet you my savings balance that he is bald and will need his arse wiped in about 10 years' time.

You genuinely think he won't be able to wipe his own bottom when he's 57???

When he’s 57? You would place a bet on him being incontinent due to old age at 57? If you’re over 40 surely by your reckoning you’re not far off needing your arse wiped yourself.