50th Birthday Party - Dilemma in my Head with a Naked Butler booked at event

[rollypolly123]

Hi everyone, I hope you're well.

I would really like opinions for individuals on here about the following I have, upcoming this weekend. Am I being over the top, maybe not, etc...

I'm 50 year old (male) and my wife the same age. We are attending a 50th birthday party this coming weekend where six couples are attending, us being one of the couples. The host, is hosting it at her house. The same host is my wife's business partner (hair and beauty) and the 4 women from the other visiting couples are their clients.

Everyone aged around 50ish or thereabouts, same with their husbands. Finally, one of the visiting females from the other four couples is the birthday girl.

The party has the usual stuff like drinks, music, etc.. The hosting couple are doing most the food, but the other five couples are bringing foods, nipples, drinks, to share with everyone. All of that is normal, and no problem.

My (me) issue is this; the host female, whose house it is at (the one who is my wife's business partner) has booked a Naked Butler, as a surprise for the visiting birthday girl. I'm told the plan is that before he arrives, the hosting husband, whose house we are at, is taking all the men to the pub, while the Naked Butler is there. We'll return after he's gone.

It's that, the Naked Butler visit, that I have a huge problem with. I'm maybe the only one of the 12 there, that has an issue with it. I've never liked anything like this, as I consider it as cheap, but mostly disrespectful to the other half of the marriage/ relationship (husband in this case) that it's even happening, and more. Not intentional disrespect, as I know my wife wouldn't do that, but it feels that way.

In general, my DNA, the me in me as such, hates this type of stuff and have a long time. Unfortunately, I am who I am, which I wish I could switch off like a light switch for the night, but honestly can't.

I've also always had a bit of body consciousness a long time now. A visiting N Butler is fit, toned, good looking, etc.. and very revealing, if not fully revealing at certain times.

I'm told that part of his visit from him is a life drawing, where the females presumably have colouring pens and paper, and they draw him.

Distrusting my wife is not an issue; that is irrelevant in all respect, as it doesn't enter my thoughts. She considers the N Butler as a bit of fun, which I can see an argument for, but it doesn't change the me in me, which I've described above unfortunately.

Maybe some people replying might suggest a compromise, such as setting boundaries while she's there, like no photos with the guy or whatever in the visit from him. But unfortunately, that's almost nil on me. It goes back to me really detesting this sort of thing, therefore a potential compromise suggestion is nil really. Apologies.

I personally don't want to go, which would mean her attending as the one female without their partner. I said exactly this, and her reply was "serious?" in a tone/body language that suggested I was being unreasonable. I said immediately after, I'll attend but don't expect me to be happy about it.

I won't be, I know me as such.

This is a really difficult one, and my apologies for the long winded jackanory about it all. Any time I think of the party, going etc.., this N Butler thing dominants my mind when thinking party, attendance, etc. Believe me, I dislike all of this about my issue such as problematic with me, etc., and wish I could magician it away, but impossible unfortunately.

The six females I'm sure will see nothing so wrong with it. My wife said, the other five men probably don't have an issue with it,... suggesting I shouldn't either.

But problem is, I do, plus I am not them.

It's like a reverse, which I'd never do. We're attending a 50th birthday party at my business partner's house whom male, with four visiting couples - one of which is the 50th Birthday Boy,... then my business partner's wife whose the co-host, takes the other five females to the pub for an hour or so because a Naked Barmaid is arriving.

I personally wouldn't attend a party like that, if that was happening, for reasons similar to what I've written above, but in reverse obviously.

Thoughts, opinions, etc... really appreciated. If I'm being unreasonable in your view, please just say. Honesty appreciated. Be brutal if needed.

Can you explain what you mean by 'portly'?

It sounds pretty silly really. I mean how would she feel if you went to party with a load of female strippers?

I'm hoping she wouldn't need to be given explicit boundaries such as 'don't touch butler's cock, don't kiss butler, do not give butler your phone number and send him pictures of your genitals etc'. Surely she's well aware that that kind of thing would not be acceptable to you?

The 'life drawing' thing is really cringe. I find that quite insulting to genuine life models who pose for legitimate artists and art students. And it's not seedy in the slightest. This gives it a bad name.

Thank you Sir; yes, I did mention body conscious before and there is an element of that. It’s more the fact she’s sitting in company, joining in the cheers of seeing a lad with his ass, six pack hanging out, and likely his balls at times too.

While Ive said Im not going, whether I’m at home or at the pub with the gents while the NB is there, it feels hugely disrespectful on the six partners in my eyes, whether the other husbands aren’t bothered or not.

I’m bothered, and that’s clear but the party is still being visited by her.

Id meet in middle and arrive with her after the NB is gone, but she’d never consider that. It’s a case of yer all in or yer out, in terms of her mindset with things like this.

I'd probably roll my eyes at whoever arranged the naked barmaid, because it is a bit tacky, but yes I'd be fine with it. Really I would. But as I said earlier, I have been to a party with a naked butler, and it was so tame, he literally was just serving drinks, there was no whooping/catcalling/stripping/touching/dancing/groping etc which everyone seems to think there is. So due to my experience, yes, I would be ok with it.

Yes but OP is not fine with it so why are his boundaries or feelings ok to be disregarded?

Consider instead something you do object to but other people might not? Is it 'none of your business?'

Errmm the PP asked me if I'd be ok with it? I was answering their question.

Also, again, OP wasn't attending, so I'm not sure why it does matter if he is ok or not ok with it...

He’s a man so objecting to something that women in here wojld be encouraged to object to somehow makes him an arse.

I find it grim but if that’s what the hosts want then I’d just get on with it. Can’t say I’d be excited to see a guy pretending to be a butler wandering around with his bollocks hanging out and being expected to draw said bollocks, so then it’s a case of deciding whether the revulsion is enough to miss the 50th in entirety or not. I think it’s an all in/all out situation unfortunately.

I think YABU, you don't have to be there while he is. It wouldn't be my cup of tea but it's not your birthday party and my husband would not stop me or refuse to go over something like this. Suck it up and enjoy the pub with the guys, all the reasons you have pointed out are non-reasons in my book and you sound like an incredibly tiresome person.

I don't blame you. The idea of a flaccid willy and backside on display would not only put me off any food, but I would also be concerned about hygiene and safety. It certainly wouldn't be either funny or sexy.

That argument makes no sense; my husband went to Prague and got a lap dance with extras on a stag... I wasn't there though so I can't complain.

I am not saying they are comparable situations but it's the premise of your argument that it doesn't affect him.

You posted this earlier this week so not sure if the event was this weekend and has already passed, but.....

I think you are right to object to this. I am not uncomfortable with nudity at all, but I don't like the idea of someone being paid to provide a sexual service for others (even if it's "only" giving them a sort of voyeuristic thrill). It's too open to exploitation I think, like all of the sex industry - can we be 100% confident this guy is really fully comfortable with a bunch of women ogling him - that he isn't being pressured into a demeaning situation by poverty?

I don't think it's an entirely equivalent situation to a naked waitress, as we live in a patriarchal society in which women are more often the victims of power abuse than men - but still, it would be naive to think that no men are ever exploited in the sex trade and its off-shoots.

So it would be a hard pass from me.

And I also think your wife could be a bit more respectful of your feelings. I am of course generally against husband's controlling their wives choices and actions, but when it's this kind of thing, I do think, in the unlikely (to me) circumstance that somebody actively wants to attend a naked butler event, she shouldn't do it unless her partner is happy for her to.

The work element is the only thing that is giving me pause. Could it be that your wife thinks it will harm her relationships with clients if she is not seen to be joining in the "fun" here? That they may see any disinclination on her part to attend and participate, as judgemental of their own preferences, and hence be less likely to frequent her business?

hahaha also laughing at this

Again, a thank you to all the continuing comments.

What happened? She went; following day, spoke about it but she was surprisingly apologetic about going to it.

It was clear to her how upset and feelings of anger I had.

I reminded her of part my upbringing. I’m still a Sunday church goer, and my Mother had high values on religion with me growing up. Added, in school - religion was about 2-3 times more activity/ classes than itineraries i see here in England with my kids who are now grown up.

That tsunami of religion, particularly growing up off course, forms values in a person. I’m no bible basher but a value result all that influences in me is respect for your partner and same expect in return, when it comes to stuff like this, which I term as adult humour.

Her upbringing re; church. She does believe in god so her values are different to mine clearly.

I think the biggest, I can see what’s happened, part of the night, she experienced, listening to her was the following.

The other five couples attended together; all of them were asking, where’s your husband? That felt awkward her words, asked in differing conversations, however my opinion of that is, “you made your own bed” so in line with some comments on here, “suck it up”.

Around 5.30pm, an hour before she was leaving, I decided to take myself away from it all and left for the cinema.

Saying ‘bye’ she replies, ‘how am I getting to the party?’, assuming I’d drive and collect.

She drove her car in the end, parked it overnight and got a £35 Uber back at 1am.

Following morning, I went to church then stayed out for the day. The host driver to our house and drove her out. She returned in our car.

Again, you made your own bed.

Anyway, surprisingly apologetic; when I gave the reverse example, like same party dynamics but at my business partners house. We bring 4 customers and one is the birthday boy. We’ve all got our wives/ partners.

At the party, the hosts wife is taking you and the other ladies to the pub because a naked waitress is arriving. How would you feel, I asked.

She said I wouldn’t like it.

My reply was, ‘I’d not go to that part of the party in first place, but if I was and you’d made your feelings clear to me before like I have to you, I’d have not went, or suggested we both arrive after the waitress is gone’.

I’ve stood by my principles and values here, which while im proud of that it doesn’t surprise me either.

Im still angry about it (privately to myself which I’ll keep that way) and it will subside gradually this week.

Thank you everyone and happy Monday morning.

She doesn’t believe in god *typo

So you weren't raised in the UK, and she was? In any case your strong church background will be a source of cultural differences. It also explains why you feel a strong sense of being morally right.

I’m from Ireland; near Dublin. It does influence this a lot in truth.

I think be authentic and stick to your principles.
it’s up to her to manage it.
The last time I ever went to a strip (and drag) thing was the most painful thing ever (y2k)
The strippers were YOUNG guys, and I was probably early to mid thirties. I hated it and swore never to do anything like it afain.
im no prude withers

I totally get you.

For example, I’m going to watch a darts tournament this Saturday night. Like the big tournaments on TV, lots of fans drinking beers and cheering when players hit a 180.

Its with 5 friends of mine; I’ve been out before with them and after the darts which ends about 10pm, there was once the others said, ‘lets go in this lap dancing bar’ when we were pub crawling.

I declined and didn’t go in, catching up with them later.

Similar attitude to you in some respects I think.

It's tacky AF but meant to be light hearted entertainment & funny. You won't be there so why worry about it. If you trust your Wife & know she'll not be lusting after the Butler, go to the pub & put it out of your mind. The rest of the party I'm sure will be fun & you'll enjoy it so don't cut your nose off to spite your face by not going. The butler will probs only be there an hour or so, so don't over think it & try & not get into your own head & over think it.

OP I've totally been in your corner on this one but you've spoken to your wife, she has acknowledged your feelings and apologised.

Life is short. Let it go.

I appreciate the reply and shared advice; same with everyone else.

It’s over now, thank god. While happening, I get the advice you share which some others did also. That said, we’re all different people and for me - s#!t like that entertainment as I call it, in a relationship is like when you step of a piece of lego bare footed.

I’m not gonna lose the ability to walk because of it (likening it to a marriage end, etc) but that lego hit as such has hobbling, etc.. like a sting.

Remember, the following day I have a scenario to her of a party but at my friends house. Same dynamics as the one you went to, six couples etc., but my mates wife, whose hosting the party at their house, takes you and the other ladies to the pub while a naked waitress comes to the six gents remaining behind.

She said she wouldn’t like it; that sums this whole lego like shock thing to her I believe.

It was pretty crap in truth, her still going regardless of whether it’s considered as a bit of fun. But one thing I’ll never dilute on is my morals and principles, etc.. which Ive done.

Thank you again everyone. I assume this concludes this lengthy chat. I’m amazed and so grateful for all the replies.

You were completely reasonable op.