50th Birthday Party - Dilemma in my Head with a Naked Butler booked at event

[rollypolly123]

Hi everyone, I hope you're well.

I would really like opinions for individuals on here about the following I have, upcoming this weekend. Am I being over the top, maybe not, etc...

I'm 50 year old (male) and my wife the same age. We are attending a 50th birthday party this coming weekend where six couples are attending, us being one of the couples. The host, is hosting it at her house. The same host is my wife's business partner (hair and beauty) and the 4 women from the other visiting couples are their clients.

Everyone aged around 50ish or thereabouts, same with their husbands. Finally, one of the visiting females from the other four couples is the birthday girl.

The party has the usual stuff like drinks, music, etc.. The hosting couple are doing most the food, but the other five couples are bringing foods, nipples, drinks, to share with everyone. All of that is normal, and no problem.

My (me) issue is this; the host female, whose house it is at (the one who is my wife's business partner) has booked a Naked Butler, as a surprise for the visiting birthday girl. I'm told the plan is that before he arrives, the hosting husband, whose house we are at, is taking all the men to the pub, while the Naked Butler is there. We'll return after he's gone.

It's that, the Naked Butler visit, that I have a huge problem with. I'm maybe the only one of the 12 there, that has an issue with it. I've never liked anything like this, as I consider it as cheap, but mostly disrespectful to the other half of the marriage/ relationship (husband in this case) that it's even happening, and more. Not intentional disrespect, as I know my wife wouldn't do that, but it feels that way.

In general, my DNA, the me in me as such, hates this type of stuff and have a long time. Unfortunately, I am who I am, which I wish I could switch off like a light switch for the night, but honestly can't.

I've also always had a bit of body consciousness a long time now. A visiting N Butler is fit, toned, good looking, etc.. and very revealing, if not fully revealing at certain times.

I'm told that part of his visit from him is a life drawing, where the females presumably have colouring pens and paper, and they draw him.

Distrusting my wife is not an issue; that is irrelevant in all respect, as it doesn't enter my thoughts. She considers the N Butler as a bit of fun, which I can see an argument for, but it doesn't change the me in me, which I've described above unfortunately.

Maybe some people replying might suggest a compromise, such as setting boundaries while she's there, like no photos with the guy or whatever in the visit from him. But unfortunately, that's almost nil on me. It goes back to me really detesting this sort of thing, therefore a potential compromise suggestion is nil really. Apologies.

I personally don't want to go, which would mean her attending as the one female without their partner. I said exactly this, and her reply was "serious?" in a tone/body language that suggested I was being unreasonable. I said immediately after, I'll attend but don't expect me to be happy about it.

I won't be, I know me as such.

This is a really difficult one, and my apologies for the long winded jackanory about it all. Any time I think of the party, going etc.., this N Butler thing dominants my mind when thinking party, attendance, etc. Believe me, I dislike all of this about my issue such as problematic with me, etc., and wish I could magician it away, but impossible unfortunately.

The six females I'm sure will see nothing so wrong with it. My wife said, the other five men probably don't have an issue with it,... suggesting I shouldn't either.

But problem is, I do, plus I am not them.

It's like a reverse, which I'd never do. We're attending a 50th birthday party at my business partner's house whom male, with four visiting couples - one of which is the 50th Birthday Boy,... then my business partner's wife whose the co-host, takes the other five females to the pub for an hour or so because a Naked Barmaid is arriving.

I personally wouldn't attend a party like that, if that was happening, for reasons similar to what I've written above, but in reverse obviously.

Thoughts, opinions, etc... really appreciated. If I'm being unreasonable in your view, please just say. Honesty appreciated. Be brutal if needed.

Is there any possibility of turning up late after the naked Butler thing? Then you can both still go but you don't feel uncomfortable about it

I think you need to tell ‘the you in you’ that he can actually choose his reactions and behaviour, and that several days of silent treatment might just mean the ‘you in you’s’ arse being put out with the cat.

It would in this house.

This is the comment I came here for! 😂

Well, you can be pissed off all you want, but your wife is a free agent.

It's a birthday party for someone else - someone who directly (as a client of the business your wife co-runs) helps to pay your mortgage.

Take the emotions out and regard it as transactional. A good customer is getting rewarded with a birthday event.

I’ve thought this and it’s worth an ask but I know it will be refused. Things like a social dilemma etc,.. there’s never an compromise with her.

i know the opinion will be that im being over the top etc..

I personally would compromise, by going with my wife after he’s gone, but I can’t see her doing that. Similar, I’d say the N Butler would be there mid evening like 9-10 or whatever. Pretty late arrival is that.

Better than nothing most would say and I’d agree but unlikely to happen.

I’m just not going now, and will take whatever bad wind or so comes from it.

Similar though, I’m pretty upset in truth that my wife will go to that part of the evening and probably join in with the audience to keep up with the Jones’ as such. But, she can do what she wants to do. Doesn’t change the fact I’m annoyed about it though.

You say you aren't controlling and you say you aren't disrespectful. But please remember that controlling people rarely see themselves as controlling and disrespectful people rarely see themselves as disrespectful. It's usually outsiders that recognise these things.

People who have read the post and replies are telling you that whether you recognise it or not you are using language that is disrespectful and are describing behaviour/emotions that are being used in a controlling way.

So now you need to ask yourself whether you would rather continue to be controlling and disrespectful and keep your head in the sand and refuse to acknowledge it? Or would you rather face up to the fact that you are being controlling and disrespectful and adjust your behaviour if that's not the person you want to be?

I don't see what you're achieving by staying home not in the pub with the other guys, she's still going to it and you'll just be fretting at home - probably better to go

You’re entitled to your opinions, as well as some others on here.

Words, language, etc.. Okay, I get it but please remind yourself that body language, and volume/ emotion of tone when speaking, count for a lot more than typed words.

What I’m trying to get at is we are all disadvantaged on threads like this, for reasons above, unless we start to be allowed to post audio speaks or video speaks. A live chat even, like Zoom.

I don’t want any of that, but there’s a brick tied around everyone’s ankle when reading on here.

I’m not getting into a convo about controllers, as it’s a can of worms waiting for that release.

I could easily deflect your comments back like a mirror and suggest you evaluate yourself also, but I won’t.

Over, back to my original reason posting here.

50th birthday party; without the N Butler I’d happily go - normal stuff. With it - that’s stepping on my personal values, morals, etc.. Even if my wife considers it a bit of fun.

Ive decided not to go now, but my wife is still going which she’s entitled to do. I won’t stop her. However, doesn’t change the fact I’m pretty disgusted by it in truth. I’m disappointed she’s even going to that part, but her choice.

To end, words like disgusted, upset, etc.. I’ve used. Please take with a pinch of salt as the body language etc.. is naturally absent here, and I’m calm, as I always am.

Honestly I was all prepared to be on 'your side' until I read the tone of your posts. You sound incredibly self righteous and obnoxious.
Threatening your wife with sulking if she goes along to a friends and business partners party because you don't agree with one aspect of it.
Stay at home seething and being disappointed It doesn't sound like you'll be a terrible loss.

its clear that you're a bit insecure about your body and this is a particularly touchy subject for you but In reality there are fit men bodies everywhere , the pool, tv;, the gym so it's not like your wife isn't exposed to to them every day as it is and it's unlikely that when presented with a partially dressed man that she won't be able to control herself and will jump his bones. ( If thats what you're really concerned about deep down)

I’m not sure what you want from this thread? You have chosen to come on a site squarely aimed at women, perhaps hoping that you can show your wife that “all” the other women agree with you?

I agree with @DeathStare’s original post. You have put your wife in an impossible position as this is obviously a business thing as well as social

You can’t control your thoughts, however you absolutely can control much attention you pay to them. Think of it like flicking through TV channels, you don’t linger on the channels that have no interest to you or are triggering in any way. Same with thoughts, especially where there is an impact on a person you love.

Do you really not get how aggressively this comes across? And full of deflection ("I've not done anything wrong, people are misunderstanding me") and putting the responsibility for how you come across on other people (eg please remind yourself...) Both of which are often prevalent in controlling behaviour.

I could easily deflect your comments back like a mirror and suggest you evaluate yourself also, but I won’t
This part in particular - do you really not see how this comes across? You have asked for opinions, and then when given an opinion which is uncomfortable for you, you fire back suggesting its me that is controlling - even though I have told you nothing whatsoever about my behaviour so you would have no way of knowing whether I have anything to evaluate or not. Then you add the "but I won't" at the end so you can convince yourself there is nothing attacking in what you've just said. Adding "but I won't" is redundant if you already have.

Honestly, the problem here is not the naked butler (even though I'm also not a fan). The problem is you.

Yes, I thought this too.

Not that it necessarily makes the actual set-up materially different; but I bet the naked butler won't be 50 as well, will he?

It would be seedy enough when people arrange titillating/cheeky/naughty events like this if the 'performers' were their own age; but when they pay somebody who is young enough to be their own child to take off their clothes and entertain them - regardless of the sexes of the performers and punters - it seems even more grim and somewhat predatory to me.

I mean, it's not overwhelmingly likely to happen, but if you did arrange something like this through an agency/website and your own actual son or daughter turned up as the star act - maybe they're at uni and it's a side hustle to help make ends meet, which they quite understandably never chose to mention to you - would it be quite so cheeky and 'just a bit of harmless fun' then?

Omg!! the double standards in this thread are unbelievable. Someone actually said, “It’s not your party.” Hold on a damn minute!? So women can hire a male stripper and the husband is just expected to suck it up because “it’s not his party” but if the roles were reversed and a man had a female stripper, there’d be outrage, accusations of cheating, and divorce papers waiting at the door.

OP, you are 100% right to be against this. It’s blatant hypocrisy. I’m sure that wife wouldn’t tolerate you getting a lap dance, so why should you be expected to tolerate it from her side?

Is English your first language OP? There are some sentence structures that make me think you might be Eastern European. Which might be why some responses are focusing on your use of words - it all makes sense to you but it feels unnatural to them.

Absolutely this. Unsurprising though

Fair play for setting out your boundaries and sticking to them.

I don't see an issue with being pissed off with your partner doing something you fundamentally disagree with and feel is disrespectful nor does it automatically amount to being emotionally controlling.

Otherwise it's just as easily applied to the wife in this case.
She's letting it be known by her body language that she's unhappy with op's decision not to attend, so by the same metric it's punishing him for his disobedience.

Similarly I don't think an expectation that when you do something your partner disagrees with that you have a right to demand that they accept your choice and not be pissed off.
It's all in context.
If I decided to fuck off to a strip club tonight with my mates or we banished our wives from a party venue for a period while we ogled some actually clad 20 year old I wouldn't consider her to be controlling to be absolutely fucked off with me. I don't think "well we'll have to agree to disagree and you being pissed off is actually you trying to deny my agency." Would fly with her or on here.

if the OP was taking a strop because she wanted to go to a bar and he was sulking to just make it so important that she decided "fuck it, it's not with the hassle" I'd agree, but it's not as benign as that.

English is my natural language and I’m not Eastern European.

Theres a few opening a can of worms in parts of responses (good extra topics bit challenging too) like a few from deathstare which I’m not responding to.

Outside of this, there are some constructive replies that mix between YABU and YANBU, which I thank each person for.

All that said, I’m really grateful
to everyone and the site as well.

Leaving this chat with this final word from me:

I’ve decided not to go
Wife can still go (which she will) though both us know, my thoughts of her going. I can’t ’suck it up’ as such.

Everyone, thank you. Have a wonderful weekend. Peace ✌️

Morality/ethical issues to do with the wellbeing of strippers aside, I believe my husband could see a stripper with a better body than mine and still love me and want me over anyone else, and I feel very secure in that, so if you don't feel like that I suggest you explore why. I have let him know before stag do's I wouldn't be ok if ever had a private dance or anything with whipped cream etc... that physical touch would upset me and make me feel sick. But again I trust him not to.

I think my point is it sounds like you simply don't want your partner looking at a buff man, and if that upsets you so deeply, despite trusting her, that might be on you and something you need to work out.

I wouldn't give her the silent treatment but keep communicating about how you feel.

I've been to a few parties with strippers. Eeew.

I've also been to a party with naked butler. He was literally just... a naked butler. No sleaziness, no sexiness... he had a tiny apron covering the front, and just... made us drinks and cocktails. It wasn't anything like what people are saying here!

I think you're being a bit dramatic and a bit manipulative to not go. You're not going to see the naked butler anyway, so the fact that you don't like naked butlers should have no effect on your decision to go. It feels like you're trying to guilt your wife into not going.

I appreciate you have taken the time to reply, but it really does seem to me that you actually are being passive aggressive and controlling.

You have repeatedly said you aren't happy but when you examine it, it actually comes down to your insecurity about her being in the presence of this man, about whom you are catastrophising (the fact you are imagining her slapping his arse is an example, the whole fit and toned paragraph of your OP is another)

If we imagine that instead of the butler it was "An audience with George Clooney", or a Tango Lesson with the local version of Antonio Banderas or even a serious Live Model drawing class, would any of those be acceptable?

I am going to reiterate that your comment "it's clear I'm really not happy" is profoundly controlling. You are expecting your wife to modify her behaviour to mollify your emotions, because you are not prepared to control them yourself. That's the "aggressive" part of passive aggressive.
But actually it is worse than that because you won't take any actual responsibility for your actions here. You acknowledge it is a "you" problem in your first post, but have no expectation that you should actually deal with that yourself. It is interesting that you say "I wish I could magician it away"- that's just another example of you wanting someone else to do the hard work for you. The way to manage these feelings is to make the active decision that you are going to control them. You should choose to do that, or as an absolute minimum own up to the fact that you cannot be arsed to even try to manage difficult feelings, and that you want her to just do what you say instead, preferably without having to be asked.

The issue is not your body consciousness at all, that is just a manifestation of your anxieties and your unwillingness to address them. Letting your wife know you are really not happy, and it taking days to recover (I.e. stonewalling as punishment) is controlling.

And I agree that it is low class and a bit trashy, but for you to build that into a full frontal assault on your masculinity is … sort of pathetic.

What’s wrong with males and females?

It was “Men” (I.e. Humans) and “Females” (not necessarily to be considered human)

Men at pub getting lashed.
Women at house with naked butler.
Men returning at 10pm for more drinks and nipples/nibbles.
"How was the young, naked man then ladies?"
"Ohhh he was ever so muscly Gerry"
Surely this is entirely set up to turn into a sex party?

This is grim to me on every level.

Grim, I would agree

Set up for a sex party- surely not. I mean I’ve never been around a naked Butler, but this seems a stretch to me.

This is how I feel too ( although I am single!). It wouldn't bother me if a partner saw a stripper, ethical issues aside.