50th Birthday Party - Dilemma in my Head with a Naked Butler booked at event

[rollypolly123]

Hi everyone, I hope you're well.

I would really like opinions for individuals on here about the following I have, upcoming this weekend. Am I being over the top, maybe not, etc...

I'm 50 year old (male) and my wife the same age. We are attending a 50th birthday party this coming weekend where six couples are attending, us being one of the couples. The host, is hosting it at her house. The same host is my wife's business partner (hair and beauty) and the 4 women from the other visiting couples are their clients.

Everyone aged around 50ish or thereabouts, same with their husbands. Finally, one of the visiting females from the other four couples is the birthday girl.

The party has the usual stuff like drinks, music, etc.. The hosting couple are doing most the food, but the other five couples are bringing foods, nipples, drinks, to share with everyone. All of that is normal, and no problem.

My (me) issue is this; the host female, whose house it is at (the one who is my wife's business partner) has booked a Naked Butler, as a surprise for the visiting birthday girl. I'm told the plan is that before he arrives, the hosting husband, whose house we are at, is taking all the men to the pub, while the Naked Butler is there. We'll return after he's gone.

It's that, the Naked Butler visit, that I have a huge problem with. I'm maybe the only one of the 12 there, that has an issue with it. I've never liked anything like this, as I consider it as cheap, but mostly disrespectful to the other half of the marriage/ relationship (husband in this case) that it's even happening, and more. Not intentional disrespect, as I know my wife wouldn't do that, but it feels that way.

In general, my DNA, the me in me as such, hates this type of stuff and have a long time. Unfortunately, I am who I am, which I wish I could switch off like a light switch for the night, but honestly can't.

I've also always had a bit of body consciousness a long time now. A visiting N Butler is fit, toned, good looking, etc.. and very revealing, if not fully revealing at certain times.

I'm told that part of his visit from him is a life drawing, where the females presumably have colouring pens and paper, and they draw him.

Distrusting my wife is not an issue; that is irrelevant in all respect, as it doesn't enter my thoughts. She considers the N Butler as a bit of fun, which I can see an argument for, but it doesn't change the me in me, which I've described above unfortunately.

Maybe some people replying might suggest a compromise, such as setting boundaries while she's there, like no photos with the guy or whatever in the visit from him. But unfortunately, that's almost nil on me. It goes back to me really detesting this sort of thing, therefore a potential compromise suggestion is nil really. Apologies.

I personally don't want to go, which would mean her attending as the one female without their partner. I said exactly this, and her reply was "serious?" in a tone/body language that suggested I was being unreasonable. I said immediately after, I'll attend but don't expect me to be happy about it.

I won't be, I know me as such.

This is a really difficult one, and my apologies for the long winded jackanory about it all. Any time I think of the party, going etc.., this N Butler thing dominants my mind when thinking party, attendance, etc. Believe me, I dislike all of this about my issue such as problematic with me, etc., and wish I could magician it away, but impossible unfortunately.

The six females I'm sure will see nothing so wrong with it. My wife said, the other five men probably don't have an issue with it,... suggesting I shouldn't either.

But problem is, I do, plus I am not them.

It's like a reverse, which I'd never do. We're attending a 50th birthday party at my business partner's house whom male, with four visiting couples - one of which is the 50th Birthday Boy,... then my business partner's wife whose the co-host, takes the other five females to the pub for an hour or so because a Naked Barmaid is arriving.

I personally wouldn't attend a party like that, if that was happening, for reasons similar to what I've written above, but in reverse obviously.

Thoughts, opinions, etc... really appreciated. If I'm being unreasonable in your view, please just say. Honesty appreciated. Be brutal if needed.

Look, it’s tawdry and would not be my cup of tea in the least, so to that part YANBU.

But to consider conditions such as no photos is quite Neanderthal behaviour so for that YABU

This. I'd hate it OP.

I hate strippers of either sex, nasty and demeaning.

I don’t disagree - but he did apologise and I think that makes a difference. I hate the nicer movement with a passion btw.

Yes there are! So true! I have an old insta from donkeys ago with my real name, but set up my writes one to share writing stuff. Do you think I have ever used it?! No I have not! The curse of being responsible for social media (among other things) in work - who can be arsed to do their own when they get home?! Great name by the way - I always think my parents made a good choice with that one!

You’ve asked the wrong forum
you’ll be told it’s not your business, it’s just a bit of fun, don’t be a bore, when if it was men looking at a naked woman they would be horrible letches who should be dumped immediately

My ex was like you. He'd had quite a strict slightly old fashioned upbringing. We went to stay with a good friend who had booked a night out to see a well known comedian. Part of the act became quite crude - my ex stormed out and sulked all weekend. My friend apologised profusely. She had seen the act before and it had never been so crude. It should have been a red flag for me as to how he would behave around a situation he didn't like or wasnt comfortable with. I would never tolerate that behaviour again. My advice to you: go sick the morning of the dinner party. Best you are not there, than ruin the evening and professional/personal relationships of the other guests. Be clear with your partner that you will be doing that to support her. We cannot change what we like and dont like or rarely can we, but best to be honest.

I think it's a bit grim. Not my cup of tea at all.

But I don't think you can try to control what your wife does when she is there.

I'd find it pretty grim to be honest. And people would be absolutely appalled if the roles were reversed. Do they even know if the birthday lady will like it?!

You are right that it is low class and vulgar. But sometimes it is OK to enter into the spirit of things.
The live drawing sounds hilarious, I know mine would look a house of horrors.

The threat to your relationship, however, is 100% your doing. Your wife has an imagination and presumably is permitted to see men’s torsos on tv or at the cinema. What actually is the bad outcome you are afraid might happen, are you projecting here. If there was female Naked Butler would your marriage suddenly be on the rocks?
As you say- you’re fifty, you’re being ridiculous and you should have learned to manage these feelings … well literally decades ago.

Can you really not go out and have a laugh with the men, and once you get home playfully ask your wife “Did he pose like this?” “or was it more like that?” “Do you think he actually does any housework?”

I’m with you, it’s bloody awful. As a woman of a similar age I cannot think of anything more naff and cringeworthy.

But, if your wife doesn’t mind this sort of thing then there isn’t much you can do other than say you think it’s crass.

Sorry I couldn’t help laughing at you all bringing nipples.

yanbu though - could you make an excuse and give it a pass?

I can second this. I unknowingly went to a party with two naked butlers. They both wore very large aprons throughout, and nothing at all frontal was on show, ever. The attitude from all the female guests was that it was a bit of a giggle, there really wasn't anything sordid about it. Just a bit silly really, though I can understand your qualms.

I booked naked butlers for my friend's hen party. They served drinks, chatted with us, very mild bit of titillation as you could see their naked bottoms. Nothing else on display at any time. Not my thing but honestly very innocent. My friend was delighted. Vastly better than a sleazy strip club. I would say though a very odd choice for a 50th birthday party with couples attending.

I have been to a couple of hen nights ( years back) , where there were Naked Butlers. Not my thing, but was pretty tame. They had aprons on and their " bits" were covered, and they served drinks and snacks, and posed for pics. That was it. If they had " sex acts", I would have left.
YANBU to think its tacky, but YABU to tell your wife should/shouldn't do.
I wouldn't have wanted it at my birthday party, but it's not my day.

I agree, odd choice.

Nipples 😄

Give yourself a shake and grow up.

I couldn’t get past the ‘females’ thing, I’m afraid. As an adjective, fine. And that’s how I see ‘male’ used in the op. But as a noun instead of woman it gives me the creeps.

I try not to be pedantic about language online, but this one is literally dehumanising. Glad to see the op says this was an error.

id be interested to know if birthday girls husbands knows about it, he may object and the night could be a bit tricky after that

If I was one of the females in this party I would bow out as gracefully as possible. Total cringe and lots of other things but her choice. Yuk. It would colour my impression of these people I’m afraid, though I’d try my best to get over it.

So much about this is bloody weird.
These people are business partners and their clients - not a friendship group.
It's bring a bottle and snacks.
It has all the elements of a hen do that male partners have been invited to but they are banished for part of the event.
Some young naked bloke is going to turn up and pose whilst the women draw him.
The men are going to turn up later three sheets to the wind.

Sounds like the build up to a wife swapping party on Minder.

I don't want to eat anything served by a random bloke with his arse cheeks exposed.

Sounds grim, I would never go and would t expect my husband to either.

This definitely needs to be a wall sticker.

I genuinely wouldn't attend, and if my wife had objections on the assumption I thought it okay to go, I wouldn't.

No idea as I don't know the 4 visiting couples in truth. Some are saying here, I cannot control what my wife does, and I agree. But I will say, I will be pretty p!**ed off for a few days after in truth. I dislike that, but I know me.