50th Birthday Party - Dilemma in my Head with a Naked Butler booked at event

[rollypolly123]

Hi everyone, I hope you're well.

I would really like opinions for individuals on here about the following I have, upcoming this weekend. Am I being over the top, maybe not, etc...

I'm 50 year old (male) and my wife the same age. We are attending a 50th birthday party this coming weekend where six couples are attending, us being one of the couples. The host, is hosting it at her house. The same host is my wife's business partner (hair and beauty) and the 4 women from the other visiting couples are their clients.

Everyone aged around 50ish or thereabouts, same with their husbands. Finally, one of the visiting females from the other four couples is the birthday girl.

The party has the usual stuff like drinks, music, etc.. The hosting couple are doing most the food, but the other five couples are bringing foods, nipples, drinks, to share with everyone. All of that is normal, and no problem.

My (me) issue is this; the host female, whose house it is at (the one who is my wife's business partner) has booked a Naked Butler, as a surprise for the visiting birthday girl. I'm told the plan is that before he arrives, the hosting husband, whose house we are at, is taking all the men to the pub, while the Naked Butler is there. We'll return after he's gone.

It's that, the Naked Butler visit, that I have a huge problem with. I'm maybe the only one of the 12 there, that has an issue with it. I've never liked anything like this, as I consider it as cheap, but mostly disrespectful to the other half of the marriage/ relationship (husband in this case) that it's even happening, and more. Not intentional disrespect, as I know my wife wouldn't do that, but it feels that way.

In general, my DNA, the me in me as such, hates this type of stuff and have a long time. Unfortunately, I am who I am, which I wish I could switch off like a light switch for the night, but honestly can't.

I've also always had a bit of body consciousness a long time now. A visiting N Butler is fit, toned, good looking, etc.. and very revealing, if not fully revealing at certain times.

I'm told that part of his visit from him is a life drawing, where the females presumably have colouring pens and paper, and they draw him.

Distrusting my wife is not an issue; that is irrelevant in all respect, as it doesn't enter my thoughts. She considers the N Butler as a bit of fun, which I can see an argument for, but it doesn't change the me in me, which I've described above unfortunately.

Maybe some people replying might suggest a compromise, such as setting boundaries while she's there, like no photos with the guy or whatever in the visit from him. But unfortunately, that's almost nil on me. It goes back to me really detesting this sort of thing, therefore a potential compromise suggestion is nil really. Apologies.

I personally don't want to go, which would mean her attending as the one female without their partner. I said exactly this, and her reply was "serious?" in a tone/body language that suggested I was being unreasonable. I said immediately after, I'll attend but don't expect me to be happy about it.

I won't be, I know me as such.

This is a really difficult one, and my apologies for the long winded jackanory about it all. Any time I think of the party, going etc.., this N Butler thing dominants my mind when thinking party, attendance, etc. Believe me, I dislike all of this about my issue such as problematic with me, etc., and wish I could magician it away, but impossible unfortunately.

The six females I'm sure will see nothing so wrong with it. My wife said, the other five men probably don't have an issue with it,... suggesting I shouldn't either.

But problem is, I do, plus I am not them.

It's like a reverse, which I'd never do. We're attending a 50th birthday party at my business partner's house whom male, with four visiting couples - one of which is the 50th Birthday Boy,... then my business partner's wife whose the co-host, takes the other five females to the pub for an hour or so because a Naked Barmaid is arriving.

I personally wouldn't attend a party like that, if that was happening, for reasons similar to what I've written above, but in reverse obviously.

Thoughts, opinions, etc... really appreciated. If I'm being unreasonable in your view, please just say. Honesty appreciated. Be brutal if needed.

I don’t agree with this, for either sex. For multiple reasons. I also don’t understand why someone in a relationship would want this.

Really? This comes down to boundaries and communication with your partner. Respect yourself and stay away.

Really? A party of barely connected, lashed up 50 year olds getting together, throwing a naked young man into the mix. A group of men returning from the pub?

Perhaps I've watched too many films.

I wouldn't have thought sex party either.

I also haven't watched many films (what sort of films are you watching?!)

Your only option is to make your excuses and leave your wife to decide if she wants to go without you or not. Its up to you entirely whether you want 'no naked butlers' to be a boundary in your marriage. If you do, you have a right to tell your wife this, and she has the right to respect or ignore your boundary. If she ignores it, you have the right to decide whether it's a deal breaker or not. That's all there is to it really. Whether we on here think you're right or wrong is meaningless.

Pretty spot on tbh and what would be said to a woman in an equivalent situation

Well it seems you are watching a different genre to those I watch.😂

Honestly, as a woman I hate the idea of a naked butler. I think its embarrassing all around, I wouldnt book one, I wouldnt want one

BUT if I friend would enjoy it, and someone had organised it for them id sick it up and enjoy being with my friends for the 60 or 90mins of the evening I found cringe

I dont think theres anything wrong with how you feel. But feelings aren't real, all this cant turn it off, its just who I am, im disrespected.. you could. You could just let it go. Because as youve said, your wife didnt organise it or chose it.

Or if this is a line in the sand for you, and plenty women wouldnt like you at a stag do seeing a stripper ask your wife to not go either. But dont pretend you cant help yourself, that you wish you were ok with it. Its ok to not be

Honestly, as a woman I hate the idea of a naked butler. I think its embarrassing all around, I wouldnt book one, I wouldnt want one

BUT if I friend would enjoy it, and someone had organised it for them id sick it up and enjoy being with my friends for the 60 or 90mins of the evening I found cringe

I dont think theres anything wrong with how you feel. But feelings aren't real, all this cant turn it off, its just who I am, im disrespected.. you could. You could just let it go. Because as youve said, your wife didnt organise it or chose it.

Or if this is a line in the sand for you, and plenty women wouldnt like you at a stag do seeing a stripper ask your wife to not go either. But dont pretend you cant help yourself, that you wish you were ok with it. Its ok to not be

I’m with you. If it was reverse and the men were being left to letch over a stripper I wouldn’t be particularly keen either. Looks like you’ll have a 50/50 response.

It might help to think of this as much closer to a work event than a proper social occasion with friends given the involvement of her business partner and the guests being clients.

There's lots of stuff people put up with for work events they'd rather not do. This kind of thing can backfire anyway if the birthday person doesn't like it.

Can you make it you + your wife against the problem of tacky party entertainment rather than you against your wife? Think about alternative entertainment suggestions for future similar events.

Thank you; it is indeed 50/50 but I’ve concluded that I’m not going. I’ll drop and collect it, taxiing as such, but not going.

If I went, I’d be civil throughout off course but inside I’d be pretty peeved. Particularly when the man host says to the lads there, “com’n, we’re off to the pub”.

I’d be pretty crap company there and same on return.

Best is stepping away and not going, which I’m doing.

once again, thank you to everyone.

I’ll drop and collect her *typo

It’s all very tacky and not something I would enjoy if it was a girls only party. What makes this worse is that this is a couple party that they are then asking half the guests to leave! Gross, tacky and terribly bad manners.

if this was a stripper someone had bought me I would leave, a naked butler I’m not sure about. From what I’ve seen then just walk around with an apron on with their bums out serving food. If that was true, then the men could stay. The fact that the men are leaving suggests this is more of a stripper than a naked butler.

Mate, I get it’s not your thing. But, it’s not your party, your wife is going with it. She might enjoy it and find it funny, he might have a bigger todger than you, but seriously she’s not going to be jumping on it. Treat it with the disrespect you feel for it, it’s an immature giggle but just because you don’t like it doesn’t mean it won’t or shouldn’t happen.

you’ll go to the pub for a couple of hours, the lad will earn his £150 and then bugger off. It’ll be done and dusted and you can go and have a laugh afterwards. It’s not something you should concern yourself with.

in my younger days I used to chaperone some girls who were strippers. (give them a lift to the pub, hold a towel to wrap them up in when they were done and make sure nobody got over excited with them and start touching). By and large, they were lovely girls earning good money for doing very little work. They don’t get aroused by it. It was just a laugh. I felt sorry for some of them but they did it by choice, so I had no right to feel sorry for them. What I’m getting at is that just because it’s not your bag, don’t be the fun police for everyone else. Accept it and move on.

I voted YABU cos you're not bothered about the poor man having to take his clothes off and be gawped at by a group of people.

You're only bothered because he looks better than you and you're insecure

What? Did you read it? He didn't use the word "male" as a noun once. It was all "men" and "guys".
IMO this poster has been spending too much time on youtube and now is trying to make some sort of point about women (sorry, FEMALES) being hypocrites. No normal man aged 50 talks like that.

In terms of the men being asked to leave, that isn’t the case. The host husband of the party as such, said to his wife that the visiting men would not want to see the Butler, etc.. so he’ll take them to the pub.

So, it wasn’t a pressurised ‘please leave’ etc.. It was the host’s husband who said he’d take the men to the pub.

To conclude on this message, there seems to be a few replies on here that seem to pick on the use of men, lads, guys, husbands, etc.. then compare it against words like females, women, ladies, wives, etc.., picking on certain word uses, etc..

Please don’t… there is no malice of any ill intention of words. Thanks.

Um, it wouldn’t be my choice, it’s a bit weird, but ultimately naff and harmless

The OP doesn't read like a human wrote it...

This.

I would be absolutely livid if I was going to a party as part of a couple but at a certain point in the evening I was expected to leave so my DH could enjoy a good perve at a naked waitress.

This is utterly obnoxious behaviour from those women. It doesn't sound like the host man is too pleased about it if he's said the men worn want to see NB..

Personally I'd go, insist the entire men group stay out way later than intended then tell the wives you all decided to hit a strip club as what's good for the goose...

By the way I know a real life NB through other work channels. When I found out he does this work I felt so sorry for him, he asked me to keep it quiet.

So in other words you expect other people to control their responses to your disrespectful terminology. Their feelings don't matter because your aim wasn't to cause harm.

But when it comes to your feelings they do matter and it would be unreasonable for you to be expected to control them, even though your wife's aim isn't to cause you harm.

Hypocrite.

Agreed. And if he did write it himself he sounds insufferable. "The me in me" and "females" 🙄

I wouldn't go and neither would my dh.

Thank you for the reply.

I genuinely am really angry in truth that she’s still going and not mentioned about the NB part of the night.

If a compromise was suggested which was an arrival after NB has gone, while I personally still wouldn’t want to be there - I’d go.

The host (lady) is a NB type humour person. Booking the NB, when I think about it isn’t a surprise.

Personally, if this was roles reversed and I‘m hosting a 50th for a visiting birthday boy, with same dynamics like 6 couples etc.., if I was of the supposed humour of booking a naked barmaid, I’d try to her opinion back from the visiting couples before deciding to go ahead with booking or not.

I’ve said in earlier threads, Ive not idea who the 4 visiting couples are and whether any are unhappy with the NB thing.

Regardless though, I’ve decided to pull myself away from it all by not attending.

If I did go, I know I’d be livid particularly at point of being asked to leave to go to the pub.

I’d be ordering a taxi home at that point I’d think.