50th Birthday Party - Dilemma in my Head with a Naked Butler booked at event

[rollypolly123]

Hi everyone, I hope you're well.

I would really like opinions for individuals on here about the following I have, upcoming this weekend. Am I being over the top, maybe not, etc...

I'm 50 year old (male) and my wife the same age. We are attending a 50th birthday party this coming weekend where six couples are attending, us being one of the couples. The host, is hosting it at her house. The same host is my wife's business partner (hair and beauty) and the 4 women from the other visiting couples are their clients.

Everyone aged around 50ish or thereabouts, same with their husbands. Finally, one of the visiting females from the other four couples is the birthday girl.

The party has the usual stuff like drinks, music, etc.. The hosting couple are doing most the food, but the other five couples are bringing foods, nipples, drinks, to share with everyone. All of that is normal, and no problem.

My (me) issue is this; the host female, whose house it is at (the one who is my wife's business partner) has booked a Naked Butler, as a surprise for the visiting birthday girl. I'm told the plan is that before he arrives, the hosting husband, whose house we are at, is taking all the men to the pub, while the Naked Butler is there. We'll return after he's gone.

It's that, the Naked Butler visit, that I have a huge problem with. I'm maybe the only one of the 12 there, that has an issue with it. I've never liked anything like this, as I consider it as cheap, but mostly disrespectful to the other half of the marriage/ relationship (husband in this case) that it's even happening, and more. Not intentional disrespect, as I know my wife wouldn't do that, but it feels that way.

In general, my DNA, the me in me as such, hates this type of stuff and have a long time. Unfortunately, I am who I am, which I wish I could switch off like a light switch for the night, but honestly can't.

I've also always had a bit of body consciousness a long time now. A visiting N Butler is fit, toned, good looking, etc.. and very revealing, if not fully revealing at certain times.

I'm told that part of his visit from him is a life drawing, where the females presumably have colouring pens and paper, and they draw him.

Distrusting my wife is not an issue; that is irrelevant in all respect, as it doesn't enter my thoughts. She considers the N Butler as a bit of fun, which I can see an argument for, but it doesn't change the me in me, which I've described above unfortunately.

Maybe some people replying might suggest a compromise, such as setting boundaries while she's there, like no photos with the guy or whatever in the visit from him. But unfortunately, that's almost nil on me. It goes back to me really detesting this sort of thing, therefore a potential compromise suggestion is nil really. Apologies.

I personally don't want to go, which would mean her attending as the one female without their partner. I said exactly this, and her reply was "serious?" in a tone/body language that suggested I was being unreasonable. I said immediately after, I'll attend but don't expect me to be happy about it.

I won't be, I know me as such.

This is a really difficult one, and my apologies for the long winded jackanory about it all. Any time I think of the party, going etc.., this N Butler thing dominants my mind when thinking party, attendance, etc. Believe me, I dislike all of this about my issue such as problematic with me, etc., and wish I could magician it away, but impossible unfortunately.

The six females I'm sure will see nothing so wrong with it. My wife said, the other five men probably don't have an issue with it,... suggesting I shouldn't either.

But problem is, I do, plus I am not them.

It's like a reverse, which I'd never do. We're attending a 50th birthday party at my business partner's house whom male, with four visiting couples - one of which is the 50th Birthday Boy,... then my business partner's wife whose the co-host, takes the other five females to the pub for an hour or so because a Naked Barmaid is arriving.

I personally wouldn't attend a party like that, if that was happening, for reasons similar to what I've written above, but in reverse obviously.

Thoughts, opinions, etc... really appreciated. If I'm being unreasonable in your view, please just say. Honesty appreciated. Be brutal if needed.

I have only ever seen one butler in the buff at a hen do. He got completely naked, put different women in the group into sex positions and put his cock and balls on one womans head to tea bag her 😳 oh and had whipped cream licked off him too. Utterly grim and I couldn't wait for him to leave. If that's the norm with these type of "entertainers" I wouldn't be happy either OP.

I think it's icky and I would say so, but it's not your party so other than refusing to go i am not sure there is anything you can do about it.

You’re within your rights to feel however you like about it, and I personally wouldn’t particularly want to attend something like this as i’d find it a bit tacky, and especially so for a group of women with partners. All feels a bit grim the men going off to the pub whilst the naked butler shows up. Guess the birthday girl likes this kind of thing, so their prerogative. If you feel this strongly (strong chance the men will discuss it in the pub) and might sour things by giving your thoughts then maybe stay away. I’m sure your wife can make some apologies for you and sure she will be fine being the only singleton for the evening.

🤮
That is vile. I’d be out the door, or at least locked in the bathroom until he’d gone.

If it’s any consolation, they usually have an apron on so you can’t see their nob. Having witnessed both on a few occasions, I would also add that the atmosphere at a women’s event where there’s a naked butler is usually very different from the atmosphere at a men’s event with a topless barmaid or stripper. I think most men know that and that’s why most men, in my experience, aren’t bothered about their partners watching male strippers etc.

However, if your wife would be unhappy with you going to an event where there’s naked women as entertainment, then YANBU to feel she’s being a hypocrite. You’re allowed to feel the way you feel (although your lack of body confidence isn’t relevant to the argument and shouldn’t be used as justification). I guess it’s just a case of whether it’s important enough to you for you to really want to make it into something that could become an issue for her in terms of her friendship with her business partner and their other friends etc.

Out of interest, would you feel the same if she went to an actual life drawing class?

It’s not usually like that - there are certainly male strippers who do that but they’re not usually billed as a naked butler. The life drawing element usually indicates a fairly sedate affair. Obviously we don’t know what’s been booked though so it’s impossible to say what type of event it will be. I guess Mrs OP would have to ask her friend to find out.

Yes, this. YANBU to find it cringy and grim and to be disappointed to have friends who do this kind of thing, but YABU to be jealous and insecure about it.

There’s a lot of false equivalence being offered on this thread.

DH is turning 50 soon and I would absolutely expect that his “cohort” would consider visiting a strip club during a night out to celebrate. Or go for a weekend in Amsterdam. None of these are his thing, but there is a reason that it is incredibly easy for men to see naked women on any given day of the week. Not so in reverse.

Given how useless many of the husbands written about on this site are, I’m sure half the appeal of a naked butler is having a useful man around the place for once. The cute bum is a bonus.

I would pay large amounts to NOT attend this as an almost 60 yo female. I can't think of anything worse. Grim, awkward and embarassing.

The sort of 'hen' party shit I loathe. It's even worse as menopausal middle aged 'fun'. There's something seedy and a bit sad about it. I wouldn't be attending. I'd tell my wife I'm not going if I were you. They sound twats.

Yanbu for feeling uncomfortable with the idea. Although I think you should ask yourself, if you were invited on a stag do where someone hired a stripper and your partner said she didn't want you going, would you find that acceptable or controlling? Because that is the equivalent.

Yabu for using the word females instead of women.

Grim. I wouldn't like that and I would decline to attend. Whether it was a man or a woman wandering around naked in a small group like that. I have only ever once (unwittingly) been at a party with a stripper and it was so uncomfortable I would never knowingly repeat it.

Not my cup of tea, but have done life drawing and enjoyed it. I think this is a you problem, honestly.

Apologies if I missed it… I skimmed the post. Does your wife want to go? If I was the wife, I know me and hubby would both not want to go.

It sounds horrible and I wouldn't go.

Seeing aside the morals it's absolutely pathetic to think of a bunch of portly 50 year olds perving over some young guy who wouldn't even look at them in any other setting if he wasn't getting paid.

Very hard to respect someone who acts like that man or woman.

Same

YANBU to think that it's tacky and grim.

YABU to think that you can tell your wife who she's allowed to take photos with.

That was a long winded way of saying you don't like it. That's fair enough, it's tacky, cheesy and basically yuk, but I don't think there's a lot you can do about it really.

Can you make an excuse and not go?

I also agree that this is grim. It cannot possibly be one rule for men (that seeing naked women in these scenarios is exploitative) and a different rule for women (all fine; nothing to see here). I can’t understand how people are attempting to justify that as a position.

I couldn't get past the nipples either

I agree with you. If this was a woman who found out there would be a naked waitress or something at the husbands' party, everyone would agree it would be really grim and disrespectful.

I read something once about the difference between men and women when viewing strippers, how man find it arousing and women go because its funny. But it's still something that lots of couples feel is a line you don't cross.

I wouldn’t want to attend a party like this, and I hope the woman whose birthday they are celebrating isn’t upset. It’s certainly not the kind of “surprise” I or any of my friends would enjoy.

I think YANBU, but you can’t really stop your wife going.

I wouldn't like it in reverse tbf, although I probably wouldn't think this much into it. As it stands, there's nothing you can do except suck it up and go to support your wife at the party of couples, or don't go 🤷‍♀️ If you do decide to go, don't mope about it.

I'm 40 and I wouldn't be slightly interested in going, I'd be very very uncomfortable with the whole thing, and would avoid it like the plague.

They'd better hope the 'birthday girl' doesn't feel the same or it's going to be a disaster. God, I hope she hasn't got any history that would make this distressing for her. There's so many ways this could go wrong if everyone doesn't know in advance.

Does her husband know about it? Not that I mean he needs to give permission, but he might be very morally opposed to it - I would be if it was reversed, and I'd be very upset if I found myself being ushered out and leaving DP and friends with a naked woman. If it gets sprung on the both of them the host could well be giving her an almighty row and an awkward scene for her birthday. which I'd still prefer to sharing a space with a random naked man doing god knows what

There are surprising numbers of us who like that pun. Enough that I found 5 on Insta. I use my real name there though. It is what you’d likely guess it is. ;)

OP says the word choice was not intentional and he does use “males” once and “women” once so I’ll leave it there. But it’s becoming really common in incel adjacent circles and it’s bloody weird. Everyone needs to stop it.