50th Birthday Party - Dilemma in my Head with a Naked Butler booked at event

[rollypolly123]

Hi everyone, I hope you're well.

I would really like opinions for individuals on here about the following I have, upcoming this weekend. Am I being over the top, maybe not, etc...

I'm 50 year old (male) and my wife the same age. We are attending a 50th birthday party this coming weekend where six couples are attending, us being one of the couples. The host, is hosting it at her house. The same host is my wife's business partner (hair and beauty) and the 4 women from the other visiting couples are their clients.

Everyone aged around 50ish or thereabouts, same with their husbands. Finally, one of the visiting females from the other four couples is the birthday girl.

The party has the usual stuff like drinks, music, etc.. The hosting couple are doing most the food, but the other five couples are bringing foods, nipples, drinks, to share with everyone. All of that is normal, and no problem.

My (me) issue is this; the host female, whose house it is at (the one who is my wife's business partner) has booked a Naked Butler, as a surprise for the visiting birthday girl. I'm told the plan is that before he arrives, the hosting husband, whose house we are at, is taking all the men to the pub, while the Naked Butler is there. We'll return after he's gone.

It's that, the Naked Butler visit, that I have a huge problem with. I'm maybe the only one of the 12 there, that has an issue with it. I've never liked anything like this, as I consider it as cheap, but mostly disrespectful to the other half of the marriage/ relationship (husband in this case) that it's even happening, and more. Not intentional disrespect, as I know my wife wouldn't do that, but it feels that way.

In general, my DNA, the me in me as such, hates this type of stuff and have a long time. Unfortunately, I am who I am, which I wish I could switch off like a light switch for the night, but honestly can't.

I've also always had a bit of body consciousness a long time now. A visiting N Butler is fit, toned, good looking, etc.. and very revealing, if not fully revealing at certain times.

I'm told that part of his visit from him is a life drawing, where the females presumably have colouring pens and paper, and they draw him.

Distrusting my wife is not an issue; that is irrelevant in all respect, as it doesn't enter my thoughts. She considers the N Butler as a bit of fun, which I can see an argument for, but it doesn't change the me in me, which I've described above unfortunately.

Maybe some people replying might suggest a compromise, such as setting boundaries while she's there, like no photos with the guy or whatever in the visit from him. But unfortunately, that's almost nil on me. It goes back to me really detesting this sort of thing, therefore a potential compromise suggestion is nil really. Apologies.

I personally don't want to go, which would mean her attending as the one female without their partner. I said exactly this, and her reply was "serious?" in a tone/body language that suggested I was being unreasonable. I said immediately after, I'll attend but don't expect me to be happy about it.

I won't be, I know me as such.

This is a really difficult one, and my apologies for the long winded jackanory about it all. Any time I think of the party, going etc.., this N Butler thing dominants my mind when thinking party, attendance, etc. Believe me, I dislike all of this about my issue such as problematic with me, etc., and wish I could magician it away, but impossible unfortunately.

The six females I'm sure will see nothing so wrong with it. My wife said, the other five men probably don't have an issue with it,... suggesting I shouldn't either.

But problem is, I do, plus I am not them.

It's like a reverse, which I'd never do. We're attending a 50th birthday party at my business partner's house whom male, with four visiting couples - one of which is the 50th Birthday Boy,... then my business partner's wife whose the co-host, takes the other five females to the pub for an hour or so because a Naked Barmaid is arriving.

I personally wouldn't attend a party like that, if that was happening, for reasons similar to what I've written above, but in reverse obviously.

Thoughts, opinions, etc... really appreciated. If I'm being unreasonable in your view, please just say. Honesty appreciated. Be brutal if needed.

Sounds fun! Don’t spoil the party

Sharing nipples hey?

Agree - it’s embarrassing frankly.

You'd be livid that there's a naked butler at an event you are not attending?? Do you need some anger management assistance or something?

So just to clarify.... you're angry that an entertainment act you find uncomfortable has been booked for a social event that you have not been invited to be present for?

And you are also angry that it has been made clear that you are not invited/welcome to this part of the event that is for your wife and her friends only?

And you are angry that your wife is still going with her friends to an event that you wouldn't enjoy and haven't been invited to?

And you are angry that your wife isn't taking your feelings into account about something that had nothing to do with you?

Agreed.

If the roles were reversed and the women left so the men could cavort around a naked “housemaid” the polling wouldn’t be 50:50, more like 99:1… And no one would be posting stuff like “it’s not your party, so get over yourself.”, but I guarantee there would be a lot of LTB posts!

This thread and polling is one of the blatant examples of double standards on MN I’ve seen!

Switch the male/female roles round in your head and ask yourself if you’d still write that post… I don’t know you but I’d be astonished if you would.

If the roles were reversed and a woman was livid, I bet you wouldn’t be arguing for anger management…. rather that she should LTB for him being such a sleaze that he thought that it’s ok to enjoy an evening perving on a naked housemaid with his mates.

The double standards here tonight are OFF THE SCALE!

Agree - a very balanced opinion. I don’t necessarily have a particular issue with it… it’s the obvious hypocrisy and double-standards in some of the posts that I object to.

Absolutely. @wandawaves and @DeathStare would both be in sneering at a female OP for having no self esteem.

I mean it's ludicrous. My husband has invited me to be a friend's house. We will be having drinks with some other couples. Then myself and the other wives (who I don't know) have to leave the party as a naked waitress is coming over.

It’s so utterly tacky. Reminds me of a group of desperate single women who could never find a man, who does these things. Odd that all these women are married. They are 50 fgs and find this amusing and fun. So degrading to the poor guy

Yanbu. I would find it utterly grim too. As a woman, I wouldn't go, and would think less of my friends for even suggesting it.

If my husband wanted to do go to a dinner party with a naked waitress you are right, I would be appalled.

Sounds very tasteless imho.

Your feelings are valid. I agree with you and wouldn’t like it in reverse either.

Yes, it’s absolutely ludicrous…

@wandawaves and @DeathStare . Would you be ok with your OH spending an evening with mates attended by a young naked waitress/housemaid? And if so, would you call out any women who was as relaxed with the arrangement as you are?

Not sure if the following is behind your description of ‘dinner party’ but it’s not so formal. Rather, cook your pizzas, make your salads, etc.. at home and bring to venue. When there, fill the dining table with bits and nibbles (nipples - my OP typo, lol) then help yourself as the night progresses.

Its not a sit down round a table meal, kind of like you would do at a restaurant as such…

I’m sure you never thought that, but rather the dinner party was the casual, help yourself thoughts behind your dinner party description, but just being sure we’re all singing off the same hymn sheet.

I am pretty peeved in truth, this whole thing. If it was roles reversed, like the gents stay for a naked barmaid, while the ladies opt to head to the pub instead of hanging around,… if I was comfortable with attending that part and consider it a bit of fun like my wife does, but seen/ sensed the upset, discomfort, etc.. in her, like she sees in me since mid week,.. I would immediately retract from that part of the night and arrange us to arrive after the maid has gone. Even if it was toward the tail end of the night.

Your description around your opinion of how ludicrous the situation is,.. just a slight tweak to you description (probably my doing - the slight inaccuracy of friendships at the event).

All six ladies know each other; the host is a hairdresser of some them, her business partner (my wife) is the main hairdresser for the others.

So, the reversed description you gave that included, ‘I leave for the pub with other wives who I dont know…’ - they all know one another.

Afterall, the birthday girl would only really want people there she knows.

I’m sure you thought this, but just adding this just in case. Anyway, it still is ludicrously imho whether I knew the other pub goers or not.

I'd hate it, so tacky but would probably grin and bear it so as not to be the party pooper.

However with a room full of 50+ women it's likely to be very tame , and you don't need to be there when it happens anyway as you'll be in the pub.

Sometimes you just have to suck it up for the sake of others. They're not breaking any laws, it's just a matter of (bad) taste.

D’oH!! (On me). Yes, you’re right… I’d be leaving for the pub with five gents, one of which (the host) is the only one I know slightly. The other 4,.. I wouldn’t know them from Adam.

It’s gross and they’re 50 not flipping 70! This stuff is so 80s - disgusting.

It is cheap, tacky and disrespectful. I wouldn't attend. I dont think you should tell you wife not to go or fall out, but explain your feeling and opt out.

Not sure why you think 50-something women are likely to be tame, as though they’re too decrepit to be wild at that age! How naive are you!?!

Whilst I agree the whole thing is tacky/grim, bit exploitative etc, you should work on your confidence in your own appearance OP. One of the priviledges of getting to be 50+ is not really having to give a shit.

I'm 54, and would have made a hopeless NB even at 25 - never mind now.

Hope it all blows over and you both carry on regardless.

Thanks for reply; Ive said 48 hours now, I’m not going. I’d never try to force her to not go (she’d rebel against that anyway and rightly so) but my feelings are clear. I’m not happy and while I’ve stepped away from the party, I’m disappointed that she hasn’t either, given the obvious upset I’ve got.

Some replies on here have hit nail on head were part this is influenced by business, rappour with clients, etc.. but at the expense/ damage on your relationship.

Everyone, including my wife, are entitled to their opinions of this. She believes it’s a bit of fun and I’m being out of order or similar. My opinion is, it’s cringey, cheap and it’s not fun to me. Instead, with me it’s pulling moral, values, etc.. strings that are me, in a bad way.

She’s going, and that doesn’t surprise me as she has a stubborn side to her (which sometimes can be a strength) but in this situation, it’s just twisting a knife in all honesty.

I wouldn’t like it but unfortunately Its one of those things in life we just have to go with or make a fuss.
It’s most likely not worth making a fuss over. Just pray you get through the night and it’s likely not going to be as bad as it feels now.
The thought is probably worse than the thing itself