50th Birthday Party - Dilemma in my Head with a Naked Butler booked at event

[rollypolly123]

Hi everyone, I hope you're well.

I would really like opinions for individuals on here about the following I have, upcoming this weekend. Am I being over the top, maybe not, etc...

I'm 50 year old (male) and my wife the same age. We are attending a 50th birthday party this coming weekend where six couples are attending, us being one of the couples. The host, is hosting it at her house. The same host is my wife's business partner (hair and beauty) and the 4 women from the other visiting couples are their clients.

Everyone aged around 50ish or thereabouts, same with their husbands. Finally, one of the visiting females from the other four couples is the birthday girl.

The party has the usual stuff like drinks, music, etc.. The hosting couple are doing most the food, but the other five couples are bringing foods, nipples, drinks, to share with everyone. All of that is normal, and no problem.

My (me) issue is this; the host female, whose house it is at (the one who is my wife's business partner) has booked a Naked Butler, as a surprise for the visiting birthday girl. I'm told the plan is that before he arrives, the hosting husband, whose house we are at, is taking all the men to the pub, while the Naked Butler is there. We'll return after he's gone.

It's that, the Naked Butler visit, that I have a huge problem with. I'm maybe the only one of the 12 there, that has an issue with it. I've never liked anything like this, as I consider it as cheap, but mostly disrespectful to the other half of the marriage/ relationship (husband in this case) that it's even happening, and more. Not intentional disrespect, as I know my wife wouldn't do that, but it feels that way.

In general, my DNA, the me in me as such, hates this type of stuff and have a long time. Unfortunately, I am who I am, which I wish I could switch off like a light switch for the night, but honestly can't.

I've also always had a bit of body consciousness a long time now. A visiting N Butler is fit, toned, good looking, etc.. and very revealing, if not fully revealing at certain times.

I'm told that part of his visit from him is a life drawing, where the females presumably have colouring pens and paper, and they draw him.

Distrusting my wife is not an issue; that is irrelevant in all respect, as it doesn't enter my thoughts. She considers the N Butler as a bit of fun, which I can see an argument for, but it doesn't change the me in me, which I've described above unfortunately.

Maybe some people replying might suggest a compromise, such as setting boundaries while she's there, like no photos with the guy or whatever in the visit from him. But unfortunately, that's almost nil on me. It goes back to me really detesting this sort of thing, therefore a potential compromise suggestion is nil really. Apologies.

I personally don't want to go, which would mean her attending as the one female without their partner. I said exactly this, and her reply was "serious?" in a tone/body language that suggested I was being unreasonable. I said immediately after, I'll attend but don't expect me to be happy about it.

I won't be, I know me as such.

This is a really difficult one, and my apologies for the long winded jackanory about it all. Any time I think of the party, going etc.., this N Butler thing dominants my mind when thinking party, attendance, etc. Believe me, I dislike all of this about my issue such as problematic with me, etc., and wish I could magician it away, but impossible unfortunately.

The six females I'm sure will see nothing so wrong with it. My wife said, the other five men probably don't have an issue with it,... suggesting I shouldn't either.

But problem is, I do, plus I am not them.

It's like a reverse, which I'd never do. We're attending a 50th birthday party at my business partner's house whom male, with four visiting couples - one of which is the 50th Birthday Boy,... then my business partner's wife whose the co-host, takes the other five females to the pub for an hour or so because a Naked Barmaid is arriving.

I personally wouldn't attend a party like that, if that was happening, for reasons similar to what I've written above, but in reverse obviously.

Thoughts, opinions, etc... really appreciated. If I'm being unreasonable in your view, please just say. Honesty appreciated. Be brutal if needed.

someone jokingly suggested this for my big birthday and I said no way, joke or not. I would absolutely hate it.

Yes, what a typo haha. I was going back to edit it, but I left it thinking, what da hell haha. I'm going to try wriggle out of it, as I really don't want to be there. I appreciate everyone's generousity on here with replies, I'm really humbled. Thank you.

Definitely not appropriate for a couples event.

Sleazy and unorofessional / inappropriate with clients at the party

I'd hate this OP, as would my husband, regardless of the gender. I'd hate it myself, and I would hate my husband to be at such an event, not as I don't trust him, but because I know how uncomfortable he would be (and he would feel the same for me).

He won't be naked but she'll see his bum.

Its a bit tacky but meh wouldn't have a big issue with it

How is it different?

Some wear an apron. I’ve seen one and it’s about as sexy as the wee green man that tells you when to cross the road.

I’d rather stick needles in my eyes that join in with any lairy ‘antics’ with some rando flapping a whipped-cream sack about. Tbh mentally I was in a ‘try not to look directly at him’ headspace for about an hour. I lived.

You’ve said a lot about how you can’t change the ‘you in you’ and ‘I know me.’ Are you not able to adapt your thinking? You already know you’ll go in a mood for a few days and just can’t help it? Wow. You sound like a bit of a passive-aggressive would-be boss-man. Nobody is asking you to DO anything. You don’t need to engage or even see him, if it was that I could understand, it might be confronting to your self-image or masculinity or whatever but ultimately, the only person who will care whether you’re there or not is your wife who you say you trust implicitly. Why put your distaste about this above her ability to be comfortable with her friends? YANBU to feel distaste but YABV annoying to centre yourself to this extent.

PS. I also agree the role reversal is a false equivalence. A lot of middle-aged men alone in a house with a knickerless 22 year old woman serving them drinks is a whole other vibe and comparing the two scenarios ignores the fact there’s a huge global industry based on male exploitation of women. How many trafficked Russian teenaged boys are getting doped up and raped multiple times a day by middle-aged women in barred flats in central London? Not the same thing and never will be.

edited for autocorrect fail

I wouldn’t be keen on the naked butler thing either.

But I do think talking about “females” and “setting boundaries” for your wife is very strange. I don’t think that’s what boundaries means.

What does your wife think about it all?

Wife swappy vibes. Tbh, fuck your wife, if you’re not comfortable with it who cares if she’s the only one without a husband?
there’s loads of bugs flying around, anyone of the men could be sick , and it’s just so dated.

If my (mythical) partner wanted to do this and I wasn’t into it I just wouldn’t go.
what if one of the couples was lesbian, which one stays and which one goes? Or gay men?
the whole thing is stupid and archaic
why not two separate events, on different nights , one at the pub and one for the women to sleaze over the sex worker ?

You need to relax and stop worrying, the naked butler is there for entertainment purposes, primarily for the birthday girl and you need to trust your wife that she won't " let anything happen" with her, so relax and trust your wife, assuming she's sensible with drink on her.

I’d be totally icked, but so would all my friends so it would never happen! And if my dh wanted to go to a party with a female stripper I’d be it’s the party or your marriage, choose. But your wife has friends and business partners who like this, so you’re in a tough spot.

She'll see a lot more than that if it turns into a life drawing class!

I wouldn't want to attend a party with strippers of any sex and I wouldn't want to do so even more if my spouse felt uncomfortable about it. I also wonder how the birthday girl is going to feel about the surprise? Arranging for all the men to go to the pub is weird too. If it's innocent fun the ladies should not require privacy in my opinion. It's awkward when you aren't the host and that it's a business partner. In your situation I don't know what I would do but I would feel quite upset about your wife suggesting that "everyone is fine with it" and making it out like you are the problem.

I agree with you OP - I find it grim and distasteful and just... ick. But lucky for ne I haven't been invited to an event with a naked butler. And lucky for you, neither have you. Try to see it as two events - one where you go to the pub with the men and then a following event where the couples have dinner. What the women do (within reason - and you say you trust your wife) while you're at the pub is not your business.

Now let's move on to the bigger issue as I see it... throughout your posts there seems to be the notion that your feelings matter above anyone else's, and that you can't be expected to control your feelings or how you display them or the impact they have on others. There is an implied threat that you will struggle with your emotions around this if your wife doesn't do as you wish (ie not go) and that your wife will have to endure your resulting bad mood if she attends an event that you don't like. You also ask whether you should set rules, even though you say you trust your wife.

Do you get just how controlling this is, and, to be honest, bordering on narcissistic?

Your wife is a grown adult. She can make her own decisions about which social events she goes to and should be able to do so without you either setting her nonsensical rules (and they are nonsensical as you say you trust her) just to try to exert your control. She should also be able to make her own decision about whether she goes to this event without the implied threat that you will make her suffer the consequences of your bad mood if she goes to an event you (and I!) wouldn't enjoy. You are responsible for managing your own feelings and if you feel you can't do that without inflicting them on those you care about then seek counselling.

As someone said up-thread I don't see the parallels with women in the sex industry who are exploited and trafficked. For me that would be a deal-breaker in a relationship and if a partner engaged in conduct that promoted the exploitation of vulnerable women I would leave them - because it would be clear we had a completely different value-set. To be honest, I'd leave even if they considerded doing it and decided not to because it made me uncomfortable. I don't want to be with someone who would even consider engaging with that, and whose reason for not doing so was my moral compass and not their own.

This really isn't the case here. You aren't worried about oppression and exploitation - you are just uncomfortable being around a naked person for entertainment (as would i be) and are cross that your wife doesn't feel the same.

If this is so important to you that you cannot see yourself with her in the future because of this, then leave her. But if you choose to stay, stop making her responsible for your emotions and using them as a (thinly) veiled threat to try to control her. What you are doing is far more sinister than her being in the same room as a naked man pouring the wine

I think its gross.
my bridesmaids got them for me after I said i didn't want it - I hated it tbh.

At a couples dinner party???? it's just plain weird.

But not your house, and not directly impacting you as you wont have to endure it.

@DeathStare post is spot on.

Morning everyone,

Again a big thank you for the replies. Differing questions included, which I hope I clean sweep here.

Firstly, I’ve said last night I’m not going; been mostly silence since but I know body language wise it hasn’t gone down well.

Some of you asked about passive aggressive, controlling, etc.. I’m the least of these things in my view, and part that evidence I believe is that my wife has never accepted control in past relationships and if I tried to do it with her (which I don’t) she’d rebel as such. And credit to her.

Anyway, if I went I’d not
enjoy it. I’d try to be civil but body language wise, there’d be a slight different me. I’d be counting the minutes quietly in honesty.

The actual naked butler thing; even before the replies on here, I’m upset in truth that my wife will actually attend that part. If she attends, that’s her choice but in replacement of the word ‘boundaries’ I used, I’d like to think she’d have respect for ourselves but not doing a few things like slapping the lads ass if that’s a done thing, or a photo with the guy. Whatever…

Roles reversed, a naked barmaid with the husbands while the ladies go the pub, I wouldn’t be there first up. Secondly, if I had to be as such to keep up appearances, I’d be pretty contained throughout.

I can remember a conversation with my wife a number of years ago, maybe 2020. It was re: that if I went on a stag do and ended up in a strip joint, she’d hit the roof.

Rightly so as well.

This N Butler isn’t frills and fireworks of a strip club but I see similarities here, even though it’s lower key.

A question was asked, maybe the ladies are a personality that like N Butler stuff etc..

The lady hosting the event at her house - definitely is. My wife, sees it as a bit of fun, so clearly she’s on yes side. The 4 visiting ladies, I haven’t a clue in truth.

The men… haven’t a clue.

Overall, I’ve decided not to go. I’ll take on the chin the storm from it, before and after the event, though at same time her taking part in that part of the night, I think it’s clear im really unhappy about.

I'd be 100% with you if you were sticking up for the naked butler saying that the whole system which creates this economy of butlers being paid to be naked (separate from the functions a butler would normally do) is inegalitarian and wrong. Somehow, though, I don't think that that is your view.

All of that said, though - your partner insisting that you attend is not OK. You're absolutely right to weigh the options and decide not to go.

I forgot to add; I think some on here are thinking it’s a couple dinner party.

its not formal, just like inviting people to you house with help yourself to food on the table and drinks in the fridge

I agree. I'd find this so grim, I wouldn't want to go either (I'm a woman).

I agree. It's not the same at all.

I went to a hen where the NBs chatted up and gave out their numbers to a couple of women in the party. Trust me, they did not feel exploited in the least!

But you are within your rights to feel the way you do. You can't make your wife feel that way though?

YABU to write such an obscurely worded post.

Having a naked butler is as grim as hell. Especially when you learn that some of them try to pour drinks down their ‘ladies’’ throats so that they can shag one and make a bit of extra under the table, as it were.

Your tone is grim as hell, too, though. You sound patronising, with your ‘females’ and your idea that they’ll be doing life drawing with ‘coloured pens’.

So I’m a bit on the fence with this one.

You are quite within your rights not to go but you've admitted you will be "pissed off" with your wife for a few days. You are being very unreasonable to be sulky and giving silent treatment.

The use of females, ladies, women etc.. There’s nothing unintentional there. I apologise for any possible insult or similar.

coloured pens.. the same. Im no artist so used what came to my mind.

it wasn’t said tongue in cheek like give kids crayons and chalk.

im fully respectful throughout, is my approach, and yes, maybe the wording didn’t give that so I do apologise. Unintentional.