To not go to engagement party because I’m jealous?

[DisappearsIntoAnOffice]

Yes I know I’m a vicious bitch but I’m a bit overwhelmed and need to get it out.

My partner’s brother has been with his girlfriend for 2 years. I went to school with her but we weren’t friends, she didn’t directly bully me but she was friends with those who did. We’re now both 22. I’ve been with my partner 4 years.

Just to explain where my feelings come from, me and my partner both work very hard in our jobs but I never had any financial support from family and he hasn’t either despite hid family being fairly well-off. I also have a fertility condition and saving up for private IVF as NHS waiting times are ridiculous in my area and we can’t wait 2 years as my fertility will only get worse. We’re in a modest rented flat and can’t afford holidays as all our money goes onto the IVF savings. If I can ever get pregnant I’ll have to go back when baby is 9 months full time and barely ever see my baby that I tried to hard to have:

Partners brother’s girlfriend comes from a well-off family. 6 months into relationship with partners brother she got pregnant, he was very supporting and 6 months later they bought a house. Her parents contributed £20,000 for deposit and then partners parents felt pressured by this so they then matched it and also contributed £20,000. She’s done well and has her own social media business and he’s a semi-professional sportsman. They now own a 3-bed semi in SE England at the age of 22.

Her baby is now 10 months and she gets to fully WFH on her own schedule, the partner also has a flexible schedule. They spend every day together and rake in income but it’s completely on their own terms. They’ve been travelling SE Asia for the last 3 months with the child. Also been to Spain, Turkey and Italy since the baby was born.

He proposed to her last week apparently with an £18,000 engagement ring and she won’t shut up on social media about it. They’ve rented a posh hotel for their engagement party a week after they get back from Asia and we’ve been invited. It just feels like an extra punch in the face because my partner says he doesn’t believe in marriage even though he loves me so I’ll never get to enjoy these experiences.

I can’t help but feel like she gets everything handed to her on a plate, everything I’ve been denied. I dread the engagement party and seeing her baby. I’ve told DP I’ll be making my excuses and not going and he’s called me a miserable bitch and bitter. AIBU to want to protect my mental health. I feel she makes snide comments too, recently posted a Facebook status on my birthday of a nice Lake District hike me and my partner went on and she replied “Looks lovely but it’s no Bali!”

Yeah, you are being a bitch but you know that. You can choose not to be that way though.

You are all still very young, so there is plenty of time for shit to happen in her life. Nothing lasts forever and there must be a lot of pressure in their relationship if they had a mortgage and a late stage pregnancy together within a year.

They have done nothing to hurt you and it would be a huge, rude statement not to go to the engagement party of a close family member. It would also be letting down your partner who should be able to take his partner to his special family events.

If the fact that he doesn’t want marriage doesn’t agree with what you want out of life, then you are not compatible and you should leave. Honestly, if my son was being pressured into saving for IVF in his early twenties, I’d be hoping he found love elsewhere.

Um he’s also 22. He’s absolutely doing right not committing to marriage at this age, I’m appalled at people digging him out as he isn’t.

Comparison is the thief of joy.
My children are a similar age to you. Neither of them is in a steady relationship atm - nowhere near settling down or having an ‘adult’ job. You’re so young, just relax and enjoy your life. You can split from you partner and do whatever you want!

You sound miserable and bitter. you moan about everything (why bother saving for IVF if you won't be able to see the baby anyways after 9 months - I guess you get my gist?). You need to come of SM, need to stop comparing so much and maybe change your mindset and look at the things you have. You are totally obsessed with the things you want but don't have. This isn't healthy.

Agree with other posters, your partner does not sound nice but you seem to be very very negative and hard work. Who knows how much moaning he has to put up with.

Focus on the things you have and the good stuff instead for a bit!

You are way too young to have these problems.

Leave him, save up and go travelling

Youre 22 ffs, not 42!!

Comparison is the thief of joy, but I sympathise. I had private ivf that wiped out our savings and meant we had to make some big life changes, move away etc, but it's so important to just enjoy your own wins and not compare especially when nothing can be done. Think of it as allowing a bit if poison into your system, it's not worth it.

It sounds like you need to unfollow her quietly on all socials. But your partner needs to grovel for speaking to you like that, I can't iangine my husband ever calling me a bitch in a million years, it just should never be done. He needs to apologise and understand where you're coming from.

The other issue is, his parents should have matched their contribution to one child to their other. It's not like they were struggling financially, it was a saving face gift so why can't they give their other son the same?

Finally, the only person she shows up is herself with comments like not Bali etc, just try and build your own wins and successes and don't think about what you don't have. Best of luck with your ivf journey x

He's absolutley not right if he's jointly saving with her to go through IVF! If he wants to commit to being a father, he can commit to marriage! They both DO NOT need to be trying to have a baby in a non committed relationship where he call her a bitch!

You’ve no idea who is pushing for the ivf and baby and I suspect it’s her.

Great that you have such influence over your grown adult son. I’d guess, in this scenario, you’d also tell him to not lead on a young woman? And he’d totally listen to you, of course.

Great that you have such influence over your grown adult son. I’d guess, in this scenario, you’d also tell him to not lead on a young woman? And he’d totally listen to you, of course.

You’re years too young to even consider having a child. Leave your relationship and enjoy your youth.

I have no info apart from what's in the OP, what's your problem? Jesus Christ. Maybe form your own reply to her and save me the notifications. I can't be arsed with fight pickers.

Marriage and babies before 25 can absolutely work out well, but as someone with some relevant experience...I wouldn't advise it. The way my brain worked at 22 vs 25+ was night and day. You really need to just give yourself time and stop rushing.

Then he shouldn’t also be trying for a baby! If he is old enough for that, he is old enough to get married to OP.

OP if you are infertile you will be eligible for NHS IVF. You will need to have been trying for two years if you have “unexplained” infertility, but not if you already have a clear diagnosis causing it. Have you actually been seen in an NHS infertility clinic?

OP you are so so young! Do not saddle yourself with this man and his family which makes you so miserable - he is not your only ticket to a family so don’t convince yourself you don’t have options when you do! Cut loose, and go your own way, you’ll be much happier in the long run.

Your partner called you a bitch?

Pack your bags and leave immediately.

You're very young for marriage and your partner isn't the right one for you

The last sentence of your original post changed my mind. What a cow [her not you]. Be civil for your own self-respect in declining the invitation but don't go to her engagement party in case you accidentally spit in her eye.

Why, at 22, you are with this horrible man, and why are you so hell bent on having a child when you can't even afford a holiday, or a decent lifestyle??

Spend you IVF savings on a deposit for a nice one bed flat for yourself. Save money and go on holiday. Live your life.

And yes, go to the engagement party. Maybe you will meet some nice people there.

HRTFT but - your BIL accepted 20 grand from his parents (and his future PILs) for a house deposit....and spent 18 grand on a ring??

Don't be jealous. They may have material things, but they have no sense or decency or humility or respect, and the people closest to them won't be thinking much of them. That renders all the material things utterly meaningless, imo.

If you stay with your partner she'll be in your life together. And he calls you a miserable bitch? My DH would never ever say anything like that to me and never has. So my suggestion is to ditch your partner and focus on enjoying your life.

Your feelings are perfectly valid. Your partner might not be the one though

YABU.

She sounds awful. Your BF sounds like a dick, although he does a have a point about your behaviour. You sound worse than both of them. Until you grow up & develop the maturity to move beyond this level of nastiness & envy you aren’t ready to have a child with anyone. Dump him, move on and only think about having children when you are capable of behaving like an adult, not a teenager.

100% this. I cannot believe the posters making excuses - along the lines of 'well, you are, aren't you? and 'you pushed him to it' - for this man calling his partner a 'miserable bitch.'

Absolutely astonishing how low the bar goes when it comes to what some people put up with in their relationships.

Is he leading her on, he’s clearly not promising marriage, maybe he’s quite happy to have a kid if she really wants. I can’t see what he’s leading her on about, if he promised marriage and didn’t intend it, sure that’d leading her on, but he’s not doing that. He’s telling her straight, as 22 he doesn’t want to get married,