To not go to engagement party because I’m jealous?

[DisappearsIntoAnOffice]

Yes I know I’m a vicious bitch but I’m a bit overwhelmed and need to get it out.

My partner’s brother has been with his girlfriend for 2 years. I went to school with her but we weren’t friends, she didn’t directly bully me but she was friends with those who did. We’re now both 22. I’ve been with my partner 4 years.

Just to explain where my feelings come from, me and my partner both work very hard in our jobs but I never had any financial support from family and he hasn’t either despite hid family being fairly well-off. I also have a fertility condition and saving up for private IVF as NHS waiting times are ridiculous in my area and we can’t wait 2 years as my fertility will only get worse. We’re in a modest rented flat and can’t afford holidays as all our money goes onto the IVF savings. If I can ever get pregnant I’ll have to go back when baby is 9 months full time and barely ever see my baby that I tried to hard to have:

Partners brother’s girlfriend comes from a well-off family. 6 months into relationship with partners brother she got pregnant, he was very supporting and 6 months later they bought a house. Her parents contributed £20,000 for deposit and then partners parents felt pressured by this so they then matched it and also contributed £20,000. She’s done well and has her own social media business and he’s a semi-professional sportsman. They now own a 3-bed semi in SE England at the age of 22.

Her baby is now 10 months and she gets to fully WFH on her own schedule, the partner also has a flexible schedule. They spend every day together and rake in income but it’s completely on their own terms. They’ve been travelling SE Asia for the last 3 months with the child. Also been to Spain, Turkey and Italy since the baby was born.

He proposed to her last week apparently with an £18,000 engagement ring and she won’t shut up on social media about it. They’ve rented a posh hotel for their engagement party a week after they get back from Asia and we’ve been invited. It just feels like an extra punch in the face because my partner says he doesn’t believe in marriage even though he loves me so I’ll never get to enjoy these experiences.

I can’t help but feel like she gets everything handed to her on a plate, everything I’ve been denied. I dread the engagement party and seeing her baby. I’ve told DP I’ll be making my excuses and not going and he’s called me a miserable bitch and bitter. AIBU to want to protect my mental health. I feel she makes snide comments too, recently posted a Facebook status on my birthday of a nice Lake District hike me and my partner went on and she replied “Looks lovely but it’s no Bali!”

Spot on. People on here are so quick to say LTB but if the roles were reversed they’d have a different answer. Bottom line is she is being a bitter miserable bitch

"my partner says he doesn’t believe in marriage" and "he’s called me a miserable bitch and bitter."

NEVER stay with a man who speaks to you like this. Also, do not waste your best years on a man whose beliefs are not compatible with yours.

You want marriage and a child, he "doesn't believe in marriage". DO NOT have a child with someone who won't marry you. Just look at the amount of women with children on MN who are stuck and trapped with DP's who refuse to marry them, they're fucked financially.

Respectfully, you're only 22. You've been with this man since you were 18. You are not compatible. He speaks to you in a nasty way. Please end your relationship, and find someone who can't wait to marry you! He's out there somewhere. Then you'll never have to deal with his brother's partner either - bonus!

Take it from me, I got married young, and shouldn't have. I was desperate to marry and start a family and sadly didn't have the guidance and support to help me realise he wasn't the right one for me.

Woah!! Everyone telling her she’s too young for IVF and to forget about it - you have no idea what her fertility issues are! She may well have to act now or accept never being able to become pregnant or have biological children. In fact she says in her OP that she can’t wait the 2 year NHS waiting list because her fertility issues will only get worse. What a spectacularly glib response to a huge decision for a woman. OP, I absolutely see why IVF is your financial priority even so young. Many people bitterly regret not starting earlier.

Honestly? I think your partner isn’t for you, you don’t have the same ideas about life (marriage for a start) but regardless of that you are only 22! You’ve got plenty of time for IVF, you shouldn't be bogged down by all this, and I say that as someone who went through fertility treatment, 2 years is worth the wait especially when the first round doesn’t always work so constantly having to find more money. Find a flexible job, job in a school/work from home, your own business etc, make the changes you need to, to build the life you want. You don’t have to settle in life.

Don’t have a child with this man, in fact you should leave him. He sounds vile. You won’t have to deal with his family either which is a bonus.

That said you need to focus on how you accept the life you’ve been dealt, and not allow resentment and bitterness to ruin it. Look at support/counselling and concentrate on enjoying the life you’ve have. Don’t waste it envying someone else.

YANBU for feeling jealous and for not wanting to go. Don't put yourself through it. And your partner's a prick for calling you names like that. Think long and hard before you start a family with him.

It might look like she has everything on a plate but her life won't be perfect. If you can, try not to compare. Don't look at her social media. Water your own garden, don't worry about hers.

You're very young with lots of options ahead of you for starting a family, having a great job, earning more, buying a house you love. I'm ten years older than you and it's only in my thirties a lot of good things have fallen into place. It will happen.

"my partner says he doesn’t believe in marriage even though he loves me so I’ll never get to enjoy these experiences."

It's not about these experiences, it's about your long term security and the fact that your partner doesn't want to commit to you.

That's the main problem here.

It isn't normal though for a 22 year old couple to have a three bed house in the south east, a business and a baby where they can travel and work from home. Yes it's a dream for most, but not the reality. I know your fertility issues put pressure on you to have a baby asap but don't do it in urgency if you're going to be in a position you hate, work wise, unmarried etc
There's always the option to adopt later in life after you've found your joy. And you wouldn't want to bring a baby into a joyless set up.

I have a 22 year old son and hes not living like this.
He has a rented home no kids good job and just enjoying being young traveling partying going out, meeting new people, doing new things.
New boyfriend every month.
Not wanting to settle down at 22 just as life is really starting.
Hes living and i love that he can.
Op stop wondering about her and live for you.
We dont know if its all what it seems behind close doors.

This girl isn't a problem, your dh is. I also think at 22, you are putting huge expectations on yourself when you are incredibly young. Obviously this girls lifestyle isn't the norm so I'm not sure why you are comparing her lifestyle to yours. Also many women have to go back after 10 months for financial reasons. Trust me as someone who has had terrible loss regarding babies, coming home to a baby is absolutely acceptable if as you said you went through a lot to get to that point. Plus many women enjoy going back to work. It really varies. Planning ahead is pointless, you never know what lies down the tracks for your life. You are worrying about things that haven't happened yet.

Forget about all that for a moment. You are 22. Your dh not wanting to commit is an issue, and so is the name calling. The other stuff for now is not a big deal. Its something to think about

Your partner should be the one person you can confide in.. even if op said stuff he didnt like, he should be able to talk to her without referring to her or seeing her as bitter, not everyting is about calling it out.. maybe some sympathy and reassurance might go along way instead.

OP I’m 40 and I was also in a shitty relationship at 22 with a man who I wasn’t compatible with and the relationship was a bit miserable.
If I could give myself any advice to my young self it’s that I should have gotten out earlier.
My advice to anyone who is 22 is to be themselves and have fun.
Honestly youth is over before you know it.

Leave him, go and live your life. Be free of your partner and his family.
They are not the be all and end all and you deserve better x

This. I think you should go.
Get the ivf treatment on the NHS and use the money saved towards a house deposit. You're fertility won't decrease dramatically until at least another 10 years.

Dump the boyfriend, he isn't husband material and has called you nasty names. He is also not committed to you. Not worth the effort at all.

Your jealousy isn’t about her… deep down you know that you are being a fool to get entangled with a man who doesn’t want the same things you do. Why are you planning to have a child with a man who won’t marry you? He will marry someone shortly after he ends it with you. They always do.

Raise the bar, value yourself. Leave while you still can. You are only 22 and have years of fertility left.

Google ‘sunk cost fallacy’.

It just feels like an extra punch in the face because my partner says he doesn’t believe in marriage even though he loves me so I’ll never get to enjoy these experiences.

You are 22. Find somebody who does believe in marriage and doesn't call you a miserable bitch.

But sometimes you do need to call it out. Relationships aren’t some hall mark movie where we can behave all kinda of shitty ways and our parents have to say there there darling, poor you, here have some more chocolate, and absolutely let me damage my relationship with my family for you.

if the genders were reversed people would be calling him a selfish fucker for refusing to go.

If they needed to borrow/take that much money for a deposit I doubt he spent £18k on a ring

Even if it's true it doesn't have to be said in quite those terms does it?

By someone who supposedly loves Op?

Assuming is this real! You are 22! Dump him, go travelling or train for a new job. Do something exciting

First post nailed it.

He doesn't want what you want: commitment AND security for your future. I wouldn't be saving to have a child with a man who won't commit to you in this manner.

First of all - I actually agree with your DP that you are coming off as bitter and jealous. However - he has no right to call you names and you shouldn't be with someone who does this.

Secondly you are not compatible - you clearly want marriage at some point (otherwise you wouldn't be feeling jealous) and he doesn't.

Money is NOT the root of all happiness and I’d put a bet on not everything being all roses in their relationship to be honest.
Go to the party, make all the right noises, and give thanks for what you have with the partner you love………..envy is not an attractive trait.

I agree too but I think he’s contributing to your bitterness because he doesn’t seem to be offering you the things that you want.

Get some therapy.