To not go to engagement party because I’m jealous?

[DisappearsIntoAnOffice]

Yes I know I’m a vicious bitch but I’m a bit overwhelmed and need to get it out.

My partner’s brother has been with his girlfriend for 2 years. I went to school with her but we weren’t friends, she didn’t directly bully me but she was friends with those who did. We’re now both 22. I’ve been with my partner 4 years.

Just to explain where my feelings come from, me and my partner both work very hard in our jobs but I never had any financial support from family and he hasn’t either despite hid family being fairly well-off. I also have a fertility condition and saving up for private IVF as NHS waiting times are ridiculous in my area and we can’t wait 2 years as my fertility will only get worse. We’re in a modest rented flat and can’t afford holidays as all our money goes onto the IVF savings. If I can ever get pregnant I’ll have to go back when baby is 9 months full time and barely ever see my baby that I tried to hard to have:

Partners brother’s girlfriend comes from a well-off family. 6 months into relationship with partners brother she got pregnant, he was very supporting and 6 months later they bought a house. Her parents contributed £20,000 for deposit and then partners parents felt pressured by this so they then matched it and also contributed £20,000. She’s done well and has her own social media business and he’s a semi-professional sportsman. They now own a 3-bed semi in SE England at the age of 22.

Her baby is now 10 months and she gets to fully WFH on her own schedule, the partner also has a flexible schedule. They spend every day together and rake in income but it’s completely on their own terms. They’ve been travelling SE Asia for the last 3 months with the child. Also been to Spain, Turkey and Italy since the baby was born.

He proposed to her last week apparently with an £18,000 engagement ring and she won’t shut up on social media about it. They’ve rented a posh hotel for their engagement party a week after they get back from Asia and we’ve been invited. It just feels like an extra punch in the face because my partner says he doesn’t believe in marriage even though he loves me so I’ll never get to enjoy these experiences.

I can’t help but feel like she gets everything handed to her on a plate, everything I’ve been denied. I dread the engagement party and seeing her baby. I’ve told DP I’ll be making my excuses and not going and he’s called me a miserable bitch and bitter. AIBU to want to protect my mental health. I feel she makes snide comments too, recently posted a Facebook status on my birthday of a nice Lake District hike me and my partner went on and she replied “Looks lovely but it’s no Bali!”

At your age I hadn't even met my husband, the father of my children, the man who has treated me better than any boyfriend ever did before.

Get rid - and live your own life, make it whatever you want it to be!

Exactly this.

Switch off your social media and focus on your own life and goals.

If you want marriage so badly that you resent and are jealous of this woman who has done nothing to you but just happens to be your partners brothers now fiancé then I’d seriously reconsider my partner choice because you clearly want marriage and he doesn’t. You will forever be jealous of her because she has a nice life. It’s unfair to resent her because she got pregnant so easily (I fully understand the heartbreak when trying for a baby and it doesn’t happen).

I can’t help but feel like she gets everything handed to her on a plate, everything I’ve been denied.

Why just her? Her partner got given a sum of money by his parents, he also owns the house, he’s also travelling and having a nice life yet all your upset/anger/jealousy is with her

Your partner isn't very supportive of you and you seem to disagree on some basic important things - marriage.
While generally I think you need to get over your feelings of jealousy, this woman does not sound very nice and I agree avoiding her is best for you. Make your excuses about the engagement party and distance yourself from the couple as quietly as you can. It might be a challenge if your partner is heavily involved in the wedding. I recommend saying as little as possible about them to his family.

22 is crazy young to be having kids and getting married in my opinion.
I understand your fertility is an issue but I still wouldn't be rushing into having a baby with someone I wasn't 1000% sure of.

With regard to social media. Do not follow that woman's account and stop her updates on FB. Her life is not normal and don't compare your life to her life.
Your life is normal.
A huge number of people have fertility issues, you are not alone in that.
Most of us do not live exciting lives traveling the world with babies in tow, no matter how much money or how many houses we have.
Most people work bloody hard.
Life is not easy for anyone, don't let the apparent gloss of one persons life fool you.

22 is spectacularly young to have a baby let alone IVF. You have years and years for all that. If you go ahead with this man you'll end up on your own and penniless.

None of your problems are her fault.

Oh dear op. The green eyed monster has got you, which is understandable to an extent and certainly very human, but also destructive. Comparison is called the thief of joy for a reason. You need to stop looking at their social media for a start, and not go to the party if you don’t want to. You are also so young to be saddled with an unsupportive twat, maybe take some of the time you save on avoiding social media to consider whether he’s the guy for you..

You sound utterly miserable. To not go to dp bro engagement isn’t nice. But you’ve found every excuse to be jealous of her and what sounds like, hate her for what she has.

All of the above, and delete any crappy Facebook comments. Clearly she's lacking confidence if she feels the need to write that!

YABU to skip the party whilst continuing your current relationship, even when one of the couple was friends with people who bullied you at school. It’s your current partner’s sibling and fiance.

YABVU for even considering ttc when unmarried and with a man who is unlikely to ever offer marriage - and who speaks to you like that.

You are so young still. Change your life now while you still can. Do you really love your partner? He doesn’t sound the man for you. Stop being jealous of other people. Yes it’s an unfair world but we can’t change that. The only thing we can change is ourselves . Get up, get out and start doing what you want to do and live your life and don’t worry what other people are doing.

YANBU for jealous thoughts and feelings - they seem to be suggesting that you’re unhappy with many aspects of your current situation. Some are outside your control (family money, fertility), some you can do something about (your earnings and current relationship)

Some of these replies are pretty insensitive given OP has stated she has a fertility condition which will only get worse with age. That's a pretty big reason why she might be focused on the things she is at just 22.

Your partner is not the right person for you. Leave him and find someone you are more suited to or you'll have a lifetime of similar disappointments and being called a miserable bitch.

You are SO YOUNG. You have years to try for a baby and you may not even need IVF.

Comparison is the thief of joy. You're fixated on this woman because (a) she was horrible to you at school and (b) she is getting from your boyfriend's brother what your boyfriend won't give to you. Honestly in a couple of years, when you've been out there dating, travelling and having fun you might see her in a different light. She's saddled with a baby at 22 and her career is a "social media business". Do you mean an influencer? That sounds rather transient ...

Get yourself gone (make sure you take everything you've put into the IVF fund) and claim a better life for yourself.

Oh dear. Well you are being a 'miserable bitch and bitter' but absolutely and totally understandably! It would be nice if your partner saw that and supported and helped you. It must be completely heart-breaking watching her have and do all those wonderful things. Totally, totally understand your feelings, especially if she is a bit bitchy rather than supportive and the history from school.

You are very young though, is he and his extended family really the person and people you want to go through all this, through life, with?

This

This is kind of me.

At first I knew my DP wasn't interested in actually getting married (we did get engaged but neither were asked the big question). He found his dad's leaving letter to his mum so his experience of marriage isn't a good one.

I told him earlier this year that I did want to become Mrs as it's what I've always wanted. I would be number one. I would be someone's number one and they love me that much that they want me to be their Mrs.
I'd be happy with a low-key civil partnership, I don't need a lavish affair.

Now he says he has wants to be more stable ie,; we're in temporary accommodation so he wants us to be in our forever home and settled there.
I said if we wait for something we could be waiting years still.

But on the other hand I also think, do I really want to be married to this person who has never really made the changes he said he would whenever we have 'broken up'?
A person who drains my energy often.
Doesn't try to enrich his life or raise his vibrations.
Doesn't really make me feel special very much.

We seem to have this cycle.

But then I love his face, he makes me laugh. He's not a bad dad (not a great one either but I have faults too).
In the past he's been there for me when I've been depressed and really tried to understand perimenopause (how many of us can say that??).

Just ugh

Your jealousy will consume you over time and you will become a bitter and toxic woman.

Either get counselling for your jealousy or split up with him
before your feelings overspill into hateful words and actions and you cause trouble for your partner and his family.

I can’t help but feel like she gets everything handed to her on a plate, everything I’ve been denied.

So the difference is 40k which they received from parents on both sides. The rest they build/achieved themselves. What prevents you from building career / business to allow you to WFH and earn sufficiently to fund desired lifestyle? she did it, why can't you?

Calling you names is not on, but you do seem to be miserable. If they trigger you that much now then you should reconsider your relationship

he’s called me a miserable bitch

That's horrible. Don't spend any more of your time, money and hopes with a man who calls you names. You need to expect and demand better for yourself.

As with many MN posts, the thread topic is a red herring. You are jealous of the things you see someone else having, I get that. You can fix that by ignoring her SM and changing your attitude to the whole thing, except you can't, because you're so unhappy, and one great big fat reason for that is being saddled with a man who calls you names. If namecalling is one of your norms, then that's the tip of a really toxic iceberg.

It's not about her. It's about you and the issues you have closer to home.

It’s all a bit mad really

The issue is your boyfriend calling you a miserable bitch and engagement rings wouldn't be an issue anymore. I'd be leaving him.

You have far too much time on your hands to be thinking about someone else’s relationship, seriously think if you are with the right man or you are clinging on as you think it’s your only option for a baby.

Just dont have anything to do with them. But build your own life because the only person jealousy will affect is you. Of you go round resenting everybody who has more than you your life will be ruined..Do what's right for you and if people are condescending or nasty to you then drop them

He’s not your person. Move on.