To not go to engagement party because I’m jealous?

[DisappearsIntoAnOffice]

Yes I know I’m a vicious bitch but I’m a bit overwhelmed and need to get it out.

My partner’s brother has been with his girlfriend for 2 years. I went to school with her but we weren’t friends, she didn’t directly bully me but she was friends with those who did. We’re now both 22. I’ve been with my partner 4 years.

Just to explain where my feelings come from, me and my partner both work very hard in our jobs but I never had any financial support from family and he hasn’t either despite hid family being fairly well-off. I also have a fertility condition and saving up for private IVF as NHS waiting times are ridiculous in my area and we can’t wait 2 years as my fertility will only get worse. We’re in a modest rented flat and can’t afford holidays as all our money goes onto the IVF savings. If I can ever get pregnant I’ll have to go back when baby is 9 months full time and barely ever see my baby that I tried to hard to have:

Partners brother’s girlfriend comes from a well-off family. 6 months into relationship with partners brother she got pregnant, he was very supporting and 6 months later they bought a house. Her parents contributed £20,000 for deposit and then partners parents felt pressured by this so they then matched it and also contributed £20,000. She’s done well and has her own social media business and he’s a semi-professional sportsman. They now own a 3-bed semi in SE England at the age of 22.

Her baby is now 10 months and she gets to fully WFH on her own schedule, the partner also has a flexible schedule. They spend every day together and rake in income but it’s completely on their own terms. They’ve been travelling SE Asia for the last 3 months with the child. Also been to Spain, Turkey and Italy since the baby was born.

He proposed to her last week apparently with an £18,000 engagement ring and she won’t shut up on social media about it. They’ve rented a posh hotel for their engagement party a week after they get back from Asia and we’ve been invited. It just feels like an extra punch in the face because my partner says he doesn’t believe in marriage even though he loves me so I’ll never get to enjoy these experiences.

I can’t help but feel like she gets everything handed to her on a plate, everything I’ve been denied. I dread the engagement party and seeing her baby. I’ve told DP I’ll be making my excuses and not going and he’s called me a miserable bitch and bitter. AIBU to want to protect my mental health. I feel she makes snide comments too, recently posted a Facebook status on my birthday of a nice Lake District hike me and my partner went on and she replied “Looks lovely but it’s no Bali!”

Leaving your rant about them aside…why have you “settled” at 22 with someone who will never marry you? What are you doing to improve your finances etc. stop focusing on having a baby…it doesn’t define life!

This
You are coming across as being very immature OP

Aww I feel for you. You're not a vicious bitch. Your feelings are entirely natural in the circumstances. I agree you shouldn't go. Come up with an excuse. However you must try to focus on what you have, rather than what you don't have. As for that snide facebook remark, many people would choose the Lake District over Bali. Perhaps you could suggest that to her? More to the point is your partner's attitude. He's not exactly supportive. Try to work this out. Are you really in love with a man like him, or are you just in a hurry to conceive before your chances diminish? I think the two of you need to have a talk. You're very young and have every chance of finding someone else. I wish you every luck with having a baby, but a condition should be that he marries you first.

Your 22!
Would egg freezing not be a better option at this point and its also cheaper then IVF and also doesn't tie you to a partner who seems to have different wants then you?

As for not seeing a baby I'm sorry for your fertility issues but your not going to be able to avoid babies and this is your partners nephew/niece.

its understandable why you are upset and we all were there believe me. However the name calling from your partner was really really off and it would be your main problem. Add the fact that he is saying about not believing in marriage….
It’s not a relationship to be in so I would ditch him to protect my mental health.
I might go to the party though to enjoy free food and drinks.

The decision making part of your brain won't be fully developed for another three years.
There's a whole world out there, go and live life and have an amazing time.
Forget the boyfriend and his relatives, he's irrelevant, nasty, and wants different things in life to you, on a basic, fundamental level.

Don't settle for being just a girlfriend to some bloke who calls you a 'miserable bitch'.
Life is for enjoying.

You do sound jealous and bitter. I can understand why. She isn't yhe issue, your dissatisfaction with your own life is the problem .
Your boyfriend isn't the man for you.

You're young don't settle for him just because you want a baby.

You and this other girl are both 22?! You're talking like a 40+ year old, all this domestic stuff. Dump this guy ("partner", give me strength) and live the carefree life of a 22 year old. There's time to get bogged down with all this worrying about mortgages and deposits etc

I’m surprised at the advice given to OP to find a rich man, I thought MN was all about being independent women. 🤔

No she doesn’t sound nice and no she shouldn’t be lording anything over you, but your resentment is eating you up, and that’s not healthy or attractive.

Why are you with someone who doesn’t want to marry you. That’s just going to continue to be sole destroying if marriage is very important to you.

Stop focusing on her and do what makes YOU happy. Who gives a duck if it’s not in Bali.

Is she jealous of you? People (in this case her) that put people down are often jealous or insecure about something.

Personally I would go, make myself look a million dollars, ignore her, and really try to enjoy myself. Nobody needs to know what you’re really thinking in your head!

Now stop thinking about her and try concentrating on yourself. I know it’s hard, but fuck those that fuck you 💐

Yikes! They’ve had £40k gifted to them. Other than that, they both work hard, earn well and have flexible employment. If that’s what you want, go and get it. At 22 you can do literally anything. If you want that life, work out how to make it happen for you, rather than focusing on what other people do or do not have.
And to be fair to your boyfriend, I do think you are being miserable and bitchy about it.

"everything I’ve been denied" - you haven't been DENIED anything. Some people are fortunate to come from a background where parents can help with a house deposit but many aren't - you haven't been denied this.

Most of it is down to your choices, like your choice to be with a partner who won't commit to marriage and your choice not to pursue a lucrative and flexible career like the one you're jealous of. These things are within your hands to change your situation, especially at such a young age as you are.

It's very clear that your anger and resentment isn't about her, it's about the fact you and your partner want different things.

Your anger is directed at her but really you're just upset that your partner doesn't believe in marriage.

Jealousy is a horrible,ugly emotion which will never make anything different. So yes - you are being miserable and bitter - he's not wrong there. But he was very wrong to call you a miserable bitch. FFS, stop the IVF nonsense, kick him into touch - go out in the world and live your life for you. Not having a baby is not the end of the world but right now you are on course to waste the best years of your life.

First, do not waste any more of your life on this man. I wonder if you've stuck by him because you are desperate to have a baby and desperate to have a baby ASAP and - he's available. That sounds terrible but what I am trying to convey is that this particular man is considerably less important to you than having a baby, isn't he?

"my partner says he doesn’t believe in marriage even though he loves me"
Well I don't believe in unicorns, but the difference is that marriage exists and unicorns don't. So stripped of 'belief' he is saying he just plain old doesn't want to get married, ever. Why are you willing to put yourself and your potential child(ren) at the mercy of a man who won't commit to you (and them)? Marriage is more than a piece of paper, more than a wedding; it is a binding contract which offers financial protection to the party who may not be able to earn through paid work - say, someone who is growing, birthing and raising children.

Second, you're only 22, why are you in such a hurry? Seriously, why? And how do you know, at this young age, that you have a "fertility condition" that "will only get worse"? What are we talking about here, endometriosis? Or what?

If fact, everyone here seems determined to have children at a very young age. Is it cultural, do you come from a culture where you must 'prove' your fertility ASAP or be considered some sort of outcast?

Yep you have a partner problem and all this is doing is putting a magnifying glass on this

you are 22 far too young to be feeling this get yourself free now

What do you mean he “doesn’t believe in marriage?”. Marriage is a legal contract that protects you all. Don’t have a baby with him if he isn’t committed

I can understand your feelings of jealousy and can imagine feeling similarly in your shoes but jealousy will only hurt you in the end, so you should try to work on it rather than dwelling on it. Your boyfriend is being insensitive and I wonder if he’s still the right one for you? Maybe you’ve outgrown each other? Your teens and twenties can be a big time of change and it sounds like your life goals don’t match up. You need a serious conversation about that the future looks like for you both.

Have you had any counselling for the fertility issues? That’s hard news to receive at any age, nevermind your early twenties. IVF can be challenging for any couple and having a supportive partner is priceless. I’d query whether he’s the one to be on that journey with. Choosing the father of your child is one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make, try not to let broodiness get in the way of choosing wisely.

Forget about her.
Focus on that loser you are with who calls you abusive names.
Keep your money and dumb his ass.
TTC with him is a HUGE mistake.

This. Your partner sounds like a dick. She also sounds like a dick. You don’t need that shit, live a little and find nicer people. You are so young!!

I would dump your partner and remove yourself from this entire scenario. Its not good for your mental health. Comparison is the worst thing. There are always people better or worse off and thats just life. But you seem to want the impossible for you with a man that can never give you what you want. You will always be resentful and unhappy if you stay with him. The engagement party is distracting you from your real issue of not being happy with the man, career and lifestyle you have chosen. Only you have the power to change this for yourself.

You would be foolish to have children with a man who has made it clear he won't marry you.

You are 22, you should be out having fun not settling down with someone with a low opinion of you.

you're 22, dump this man and get yourself to the club

Go out there and earn your own money and stop expecting to have it handed to you on a plate.

Start your own business. Upskill and get a better job. Take some pride in your own achievements in life rather than expecting others to drop them in your lap.

If it’s about money, set your mind to it, make a plan, knuckle down, make smart choices and you could be raking it by 30 without needing a man to provide it for you.

he’s called me a miserable bitch and bitter

Your partner is the one you should have a problem with, I would never have a child with a man who said those words to me…..raise your standards,