To not go to engagement party because I’m jealous?

[DisappearsIntoAnOffice]

Yes I know I’m a vicious bitch but I’m a bit overwhelmed and need to get it out.

My partner’s brother has been with his girlfriend for 2 years. I went to school with her but we weren’t friends, she didn’t directly bully me but she was friends with those who did. We’re now both 22. I’ve been with my partner 4 years.

Just to explain where my feelings come from, me and my partner both work very hard in our jobs but I never had any financial support from family and he hasn’t either despite hid family being fairly well-off. I also have a fertility condition and saving up for private IVF as NHS waiting times are ridiculous in my area and we can’t wait 2 years as my fertility will only get worse. We’re in a modest rented flat and can’t afford holidays as all our money goes onto the IVF savings. If I can ever get pregnant I’ll have to go back when baby is 9 months full time and barely ever see my baby that I tried to hard to have:

Partners brother’s girlfriend comes from a well-off family. 6 months into relationship with partners brother she got pregnant, he was very supporting and 6 months later they bought a house. Her parents contributed £20,000 for deposit and then partners parents felt pressured by this so they then matched it and also contributed £20,000. She’s done well and has her own social media business and he’s a semi-professional sportsman. They now own a 3-bed semi in SE England at the age of 22.

Her baby is now 10 months and she gets to fully WFH on her own schedule, the partner also has a flexible schedule. They spend every day together and rake in income but it’s completely on their own terms. They’ve been travelling SE Asia for the last 3 months with the child. Also been to Spain, Turkey and Italy since the baby was born.

He proposed to her last week apparently with an £18,000 engagement ring and she won’t shut up on social media about it. They’ve rented a posh hotel for their engagement party a week after they get back from Asia and we’ve been invited. It just feels like an extra punch in the face because my partner says he doesn’t believe in marriage even though he loves me so I’ll never get to enjoy these experiences.

I can’t help but feel like she gets everything handed to her on a plate, everything I’ve been denied. I dread the engagement party and seeing her baby. I’ve told DP I’ll be making my excuses and not going and he’s called me a miserable bitch and bitter. AIBU to want to protect my mental health. I feel she makes snide comments too, recently posted a Facebook status on my birthday of a nice Lake District hike me and my partner went on and she replied “Looks lovely but it’s no Bali!”

They are living a lifestyle very very few have at 22 in the real world. At that age Id just graduated, was totally skint and living in a bed sit with my boyfriend.

Id come off social media and get some counselling.
Comparison is the theif of joy

While I don’t agree with your parent being nasty at all, your feelings are a bit ridiculous:

they seem like work hard and have used there skills to their advantage. She created a successful business and he is getting paid to played sports so he must be some what good at it.

if you want their lifestyle go and work for it, look for opportunities!

both my kids are IVF, both my and my husband come from low skill working class families. We now own a nice house, In a nice area, we run our own business after working our way up from the bottom rung in the finance industry. we are here for the kids all the time and by the time my kids are looking at houses they will both have sizable deposits! Life is what you make it and if you want the lifestyle you need to work at it.

You describe yourself as a “vicious bitch,” but what really comes across here is how bitter and shallow you’re being.

You’re comparing your entire life to someone else’s highlight reel and resenting them for circumstances they had no control over. She didn’t choose her parents’ wealth, she didn’t engineer your partner’s stance on marriage, and she certainly isn’t living her life to spite you.

Yes, it’s hard not to compare when you’re struggling, but all you’ve done here is frame her happiness as an attack on you. Her engagement, house, baby, and trips abroad aren’t “punches in the face”—they’re just her life. If you can’t separate your own self-worth from someone else’s good fortune, that says far more about you than her.

The shallow part isn’t that you want IVF, marriage, or security—that’s natural. The shallow part is reducing her whole existence to an “unfair advantage” and wallowing in jealousy instead of focusing on what you can build for yourself. Life isn’t a scoreboard, and being consumed by envy only ensures you’ll stay miserable.

If you really want to “protect your mental health,” maybe step back from obsessing over her every move and start dealing with your own resentment. Otherwise, you’ll keep poisoning your own happiness, not hers.

It's an invite not a summons, if you don't want to go, don't go. Doesn't matter what the reason is.

He shouldnt have called you a bitch, but you do sound miserable & bitter.

If you want to be married and your partner doesn't, you should reconsider the relationship. You are so young, You have your whole life ahead of you. Why stick with a man who doesn't want to be your husband?

Agree with what a lot of others have said, it's a new man you need. Clearly you both have different priorities and it'll only create resentment the older you get. Sorry

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Raise your standards. Your partner’s not a good man and certainly wouldn’t be a good father.

Your 22 ,not 42 ..of course you can wait 2 years for IVF .
Don't be daft
Any way ..he's not the man for you x

Obviously, I'm a different generation but this particular fire seems to be stoked by SM.

Have a digital detox and think about whether your current circumstances are right tor you.

Sort your own life out and forget any jealousy.

I was with a guy for years who didn't believe in marriage but wanted children
The jealous of people getting married got worse the more we got through our 20s ,so did the effect of rejection of marriage from him on my self esteem.
Dont waste your 20s like me. Meet someone with the same marriage goals

This totally.

OP fully understand your feelings and thinking you are just being honest.
It is very difficult when you come from a humble background and see others 'appearing' to have things a lot easier, especially where conceiving a baby is concerned.
I would suggest stop looking on social media. If your partner's family are kind decent people I would go to the party and wish them well.
If not I would probably want to distance myself.
However, totally agree with other posters on here, your partner sounds unkind and unsympathetic and you deserve better.

@DisappearsIntoAnOffice you're upset and jealous but you've been denied nothing. The fact that other people's situations are different doesn't mean everyone else is entitled to the same. Life isn't equal. Saying that going to a party will damage your mental health suggests you need to work on resilience otherwise you are going to struggle with normal life challenges. You and your boyfriend sound very immature although 22 is very young these days. Definitely not mature enough to be parents at this point.

She’s not the reason you’re not ever getting married; your boyfriend is.

Prepare for him to lead you up the garden path when it comes to starting IVF too. I have sooo many friends like you, OP- they wasted their youth on men who “didn’t believe” in marriage, or weren’t ready to settle down and have kids. The common theme was how quickly they were up the aisle and in the maternity ward with their next girlfriends.

This all sounds very challenging - especially the other woman’s rich supportive family when your family can’t do this for you.

Your feelings are totally valid and understandable.

The FB comment was below the belt. What a rude cow.

My Nan had a neighbour who was very unhappy because she did not have grandkids. Daughter in law left neighbour's son and went on to have a couple of lovely kids and a very happy second marriage. Motto: You deserve so much more with or without children and you just never know that down the road just what you want is waiting for you. Look ahead, leave this man behind, and see what the future holds. Be brave and bold and look to the future. You are so young.

He’s 22! If he was my son I’d absolutely be telling him to not even consider marriage at this stage, and I’m not as convinced as other posters it’s him who is pushing for the baby either. Of course he should not have called her a bitch, but in isolation it’s hardly the crime of the century people are making out.

The world is full of people who have stuff that you don’t, OP. You’re going to have to grow a pretty thick skin to ‘protect your mental health’ if this is going to get to you.

you’re jealous, and that’s ok. Recognise it for what it is and put your big girl pants on.

That aside, 22 is just so young. You’re barely formed. You won’t be the same person in five years time and you won’t want the same things that you want now. You certainly won’t want to be with a bloke who’s thick and unpleasant but who you’re tied to because you’ve had a baby together. And who doesn’t want to marry you because they ‘don’t see the point in it.’

Reconsider your relationship if it is not making you happy and feel special, secure and committed. If marriage is important to you, you have choices. Life is way too short to waste precious years on the wrong man.

Focus on your own career and and building your own life. You are not a "vicious bitch" but you seem to think life ends at where you are now at only 22, you are only just starting. Make the right, perhaps hard, choices now and in time you will get the life you want.

Oh bless you OP. It's not just the engagement party that isn't for you. it's the whole situation. I'd have a big reassessment starting with your relationship. He sounds awful. IVF is tough enough without going into it with a man who calls you a miserable bitch.

If marriage was important to me but not important to the person I was with then, I’d leave - he has told you early so at least you know and can take action. It could be that he just doesn’t want to marry you. I know someone who said they didn’t believe in marriage, but when he split up with his girlfriend he married his new girlfriend very quickly into the relationship - he just didn’t want to marry the ex.

I wouldn’t go if I didn’t like her. She sounds entitled and I can’t stand boasting patronising comments like she has done.

But you are unreasonable with your jealousy. Life gives us all a set of cards to play and we shouldn’t compare (I know it’s hard not too when you are struggling and when you see others take their blessings for granted). Try not to let that be your focus.

OP, as gently as possible, don't try to have a baby with a man who isn't going to marry you and calls you a bitch. The relationship isn't going to get better after the baby. I think you're on a one way track to being a single Mum at this rate. Please fuck them all off and find someone else to start a family with, they literally all sound awful. You're 22, you do actually have plenty of time. Xx