To not go to engagement party because I’m jealous?

[DisappearsIntoAnOffice]

Yes I know I’m a vicious bitch but I’m a bit overwhelmed and need to get it out.

My partner’s brother has been with his girlfriend for 2 years. I went to school with her but we weren’t friends, she didn’t directly bully me but she was friends with those who did. We’re now both 22. I’ve been with my partner 4 years.

Just to explain where my feelings come from, me and my partner both work very hard in our jobs but I never had any financial support from family and he hasn’t either despite hid family being fairly well-off. I also have a fertility condition and saving up for private IVF as NHS waiting times are ridiculous in my area and we can’t wait 2 years as my fertility will only get worse. We’re in a modest rented flat and can’t afford holidays as all our money goes onto the IVF savings. If I can ever get pregnant I’ll have to go back when baby is 9 months full time and barely ever see my baby that I tried to hard to have:

Partners brother’s girlfriend comes from a well-off family. 6 months into relationship with partners brother she got pregnant, he was very supporting and 6 months later they bought a house. Her parents contributed £20,000 for deposit and then partners parents felt pressured by this so they then matched it and also contributed £20,000. She’s done well and has her own social media business and he’s a semi-professional sportsman. They now own a 3-bed semi in SE England at the age of 22.

Her baby is now 10 months and she gets to fully WFH on her own schedule, the partner also has a flexible schedule. They spend every day together and rake in income but it’s completely on their own terms. They’ve been travelling SE Asia for the last 3 months with the child. Also been to Spain, Turkey and Italy since the baby was born.

He proposed to her last week apparently with an £18,000 engagement ring and she won’t shut up on social media about it. They’ve rented a posh hotel for their engagement party a week after they get back from Asia and we’ve been invited. It just feels like an extra punch in the face because my partner says he doesn’t believe in marriage even though he loves me so I’ll never get to enjoy these experiences.

I can’t help but feel like she gets everything handed to her on a plate, everything I’ve been denied. I dread the engagement party and seeing her baby. I’ve told DP I’ll be making my excuses and not going and he’s called me a miserable bitch and bitter. AIBU to want to protect my mental health. I feel she makes snide comments too, recently posted a Facebook status on my birthday of a nice Lake District hike me and my partner went on and she replied “Looks lovely but it’s no Bali!”

This.
You deserve fat more, and you are so young!
Ditch your "partner".

Break free of him, he's not the one for you.

If you were happy in your own life then her lifestyle wouldn’t affect you like this. As others have said, why are you having a child with someone who won’t marry you? That’s a recipe for disaster and financial insecurity. He also calls you names - is that what a loving partner does? I do think it’s right that you stay away for the sake of your mental health and not potentially spoiling the day. But I can’t understand how you have got yourself into a relationship with someone who doesn’t have the same values or long term goals as you. I agree with others - live a little, don’t be in such a hurry to settle down, there’s a big world out there.

I’m sorry about your fertility issues and your dp shouldn’t have called you a bitch but…

You are blaming her for everything that you don’t have. That’s really shit.
You are young, go and earn money, live your life, go and see the world. Don’t settle if you aren’t happy and don’t take it out on others if this is the life that you have chosen.

Your last comment struck me, OP. I wouldn’t go to a party hosted by someone who made a comment like that about my day out not being as good as her exotic holiday. Stay away from people like that.

And dump the bloke - no one should speak to you like that. He could have asked you to reconsider in pleasant terms. But he chose not to.

FWIW most women find a trip to Tesco with a young baby a bit of an ordeal, I can't see how it's any fun travelling around the world with a baby in nappies who has to be weaned! How do they even pay for health insurance? What about vaccinations? The whole point about travelling is being free to go out and about - doing that with a baby would be most people's idea of a nightmare.

But in any case, this woman was friends with people who bullied you. Don't give her a second thought now.

Most of us who are quite a bit older than you can remember the absolute twats we dated when we were your age and are so grateful now we're no longer with them. Don't tie yourself down to this idiot. Take your money and run!

Hating people aren’t happy and happy people aren’t hating…

You aren’t content in your own life so you are comparing yourself to others and yes, you are bitter and jealous.

Sorry to hear about your infertility diagnosis, that’s really hard and of course brings jealous feelings. I’ve lost babies, I know it’s hard to look at others who have what you have.

Marriage is clearly what you want, is it a dealbreaker though? Can you accept not to marry.

I agree with others - you’re 22. You’re a baby. Your whole life ahead.

OP, I don’t like the sound of your boyfriend. Seriously, you’d be better off on your own, he sounds awful.

Don’t hitch your wagon to this guy, you are so young! Imagine how unsupportive he will be if you did have a baby.

Don't rush into having a baby with a man who calls you a bitch and won't marry you because you are worried about fertility issues. Have you got access to the savings? I would be getting your money safe, dumping the boyfriend, and take some time to focus on yourself. Don't settle at such a young age.

She didn't "get everything handed to her on a plate". Except for help with a deposit, which seems strange considering her alleged income. She has made different choices than you and presumably has some sort of talent/charisma which enables her to run a lucrative social media business.

It seems like there is an issue with your partners parents, why don't they give your partner a similar deposit?

Jealousy won't help you.

Maybe put off TTC for a while and concentrate on your own career.

As often happens the first reply nails it, you are 22 why settle with a man who calls you a miserable bitch?
I actually think that’s much worse than what this woman has done.

It’s not your her fault she’s sucessful, it that her parents are rich, or that she fell pregnant, nor is it her partners fault. They have done very little wrong .. your anger is pointing in the wrong direction

You have every right to be angry at your partner, using awful names. Do you talk about his brother & partner often? It is his brother, and you are most likely upsetting him if you are being unkind about them.

You need to learn to manage your jealousy, you are only 22, you are likely to meet lots of people in life who have “better” lives than you.. it’s just part of life.

I’m at the stage now where I would be thinking “how do I use this for myself” .. can I get a cheap holiday? Lovely day at a posh hotel? Etc

Ditch them all. I think it’s best for everyone that you don’t go. It’s probably situational but right now you don’t sound like a very nice person. Nor do the others around you.

Maybe once you’ve ditched them, this will change.

I agree with PP

You're really focused on your goals and that's great, but it's stopping you seeing what's right infront of you

Which is that you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't empathise with your (perfectly normal) feelings

You shouldn't be in a relationship with someone who calls you nasty names

You shouldn't be planning a baby with someone who will never marry you

Sorry that's not what you asked, but that's the reality

Also he is a huge hypocrite: he can't have it both ways - not believing in marriage / thinking its a waste of time, and also believing that you should go out of your way to celebrate someone else's marriage even when they're not very nice to you

If you want to get married so bad, then maybe you should find someone who wants to marry you rather than call you a miserable bitch?

This is entirely within your power to change.

Find yourself a nice wealthy man who can pay for IVF, marry you, and treat you well. This guy is not what you want and it will get worse. Or at the very least get a civil partnership so you are protected in this not great relationship.

What are your goals other than fertility treatment?

How are you aiming to improve your situation?

22 is still so very young to have a baby. There's still plenty of time! You can meet the right person. Do you really want her as your sister in law?

Sorry to add to the long list of posters telling you your boyfriend isn’t good enough - but calling you a miserable bitch is horrible. He could have chosen to build you up - talk about your futures, how much he loves you etc, instead he chose to call you names.

IVF can be very tough and a bit of a marathon, you have to have each others backs. Does he? Because it doesn’t look like it.

But the woman’s response to your holiday picture was snide and immature - all she had to do was wish you well. It doesn’t reflect well on her.

At best your “partner” sounds a bit thick.

Time to cut him loose and go and live the life you want. You don’t need to have private IVF at 22

Never in my life have I been called a bitch, miserable or otherwise.

He won't marry you, he insults you.

Why are you with him?

Don't you honestly think that you can do better?

My partner says he doesn’t believe in marriage

This is the bit that sticks out for me - OP, this is not the right man for you. The right man will share all of your values, wants, hopes, dreams and will be falling over himself to marry you.

I know the “you’re so young!” thing can be patronising to be on the receiving end of, but really you are so young and have so much life ahead of you. Please don’t settle with this man. Live in another city, travel, try different careers, different men! It’s so so so important to have life experiences.

Well, your partner's answer wasn't ideal so you might want to consider if he is the right person for you for the rest of your life. You change so much between 18 and 22 and then 30 and 40... Only you know what would be best for you as regards him.

However, you do need to come to terms with the fact that some people seem to live charmed lives with everything handed to them on a plate, and the rest of us have to graft.

Maybe some therapy would help you to come to terms with that and help you "live your best life" going forward?

If you want to get married don’t waste your time on a man who doesn’t. Why would you want a baby with him when he won’t marry you?

Are you not eligible for IVF on the NHS?

On this woman, nothing she has takes anything away from you. There isn’t a limit to how many engagements can take place a year or how many babies can be born.

Their engagement has highlighted that you want marriage and won’t get it with your current partner. You’ve got some decisions to make because your life as it is right now isn’t making you happy.

YABU but only because of your life choices generally.
There’s no need to be flogging your guts out working to save up for IVF with a man that won’t marry you and calls you a bitch an any age, but certainly not at 22! You’re barely out of your teens!!!
This is a really weird place to have found yourself and you just to need to realise that now and break free. Go and live, travel, meet new people, try different jobs even, certainly free yourself of this relationship and just live!!!!
There’s so much time to have babies later, whatever your condition is. Most women probably won’t even know they had this condition until they start trying to have children in their thirties.
I feel really strongly you are sleepwalking into an unfulfilling and unhappy life and you can actually see yourself doing it and you’re doing it anyway!! This is mad, just stop.