To not go to engagement party because I’m jealous?

[DisappearsIntoAnOffice]

Yes I know I’m a vicious bitch but I’m a bit overwhelmed and need to get it out.

My partner’s brother has been with his girlfriend for 2 years. I went to school with her but we weren’t friends, she didn’t directly bully me but she was friends with those who did. We’re now both 22. I’ve been with my partner 4 years.

Just to explain where my feelings come from, me and my partner both work very hard in our jobs but I never had any financial support from family and he hasn’t either despite hid family being fairly well-off. I also have a fertility condition and saving up for private IVF as NHS waiting times are ridiculous in my area and we can’t wait 2 years as my fertility will only get worse. We’re in a modest rented flat and can’t afford holidays as all our money goes onto the IVF savings. If I can ever get pregnant I’ll have to go back when baby is 9 months full time and barely ever see my baby that I tried to hard to have:

Partners brother’s girlfriend comes from a well-off family. 6 months into relationship with partners brother she got pregnant, he was very supporting and 6 months later they bought a house. Her parents contributed £20,000 for deposit and then partners parents felt pressured by this so they then matched it and also contributed £20,000. She’s done well and has her own social media business and he’s a semi-professional sportsman. They now own a 3-bed semi in SE England at the age of 22.

Her baby is now 10 months and she gets to fully WFH on her own schedule, the partner also has a flexible schedule. They spend every day together and rake in income but it’s completely on their own terms. They’ve been travelling SE Asia for the last 3 months with the child. Also been to Spain, Turkey and Italy since the baby was born.

He proposed to her last week apparently with an £18,000 engagement ring and she won’t shut up on social media about it. They’ve rented a posh hotel for their engagement party a week after they get back from Asia and we’ve been invited. It just feels like an extra punch in the face because my partner says he doesn’t believe in marriage even though he loves me so I’ll never get to enjoy these experiences.

I can’t help but feel like she gets everything handed to her on a plate, everything I’ve been denied. I dread the engagement party and seeing her baby. I’ve told DP I’ll be making my excuses and not going and he’s called me a miserable bitch and bitter. AIBU to want to protect my mental health. I feel she makes snide comments too, recently posted a Facebook status on my birthday of a nice Lake District hike me and my partner went on and she replied “Looks lovely but it’s no Bali!”

Your partners right. Focus on yourselves.

She sounds insufferable! I wouldn’t go either.

You are 22 - plenty of time to get married, save money and have a baby.

But if you stay with your current partner your 20s and 30s will flash by and you will look back with regret at all the time you wasted with a man who talked abusively to you and didn’t believe in marriage.

If you dump him now, you get the added bonus of not having to attend the engagement party!

Your partner doesn't sound supportive to be honest and it doesn't sound like you fit in with this family. It sounds toxic, and it won't get any better. Do you really want to marry into that and have your children be cousins to their children? You are only 22, go out and live a little, meet someone else and have children/get married in the future. I understand the pressures of your fertility, but dont have children with the wrong person for that reason.

You cannot possibly think that your baby deserves a father who would call their mother a bitter, miserable bitch. If this is how he treats you now, what could the future possibly hold except disrespect and unkindness. Being a parent is hard. IVF is harder. You need and deserve a partner who loves, respects and supports you. This guy is not it.

I wouldn't go either . You know its going to upset you so best avoiding.
But longterm for your mental health get rid of social media . It just makes you compare everything all the time.
Also at 22 you dont need to stress about being married .

If it had been him that flatly refused to go to her sister's engagement party because he was jealous of their money and good fortune and she called him a miserable bugger or a miserable bastard, would you police her language and strong recommend that he leaves her?

The OP is being a bit of a miserable bitch about it, she admits it herself. In fact she describes herself as a 'vicious' bitch. She's said nothing to suggest he's abusive generally, he's clearly just frustrated with her feeling bitter and sorry for herself on this particular matter when it's his family she's so resentful of. It's hardly grounds to suggest she throws away a four year relationship is it?

she replied “Looks lovely but it’s no Bali!”

That would be it for me, no way. She’s a bitch.

But please don’t stay with any man who calls you a bitch op!!

Take your half of the IVF money and travel, do something with your life. Maybe you’ll meet someone nice and be able to have a baby much easier with them. Don’t get tied to this man and his shitty family.

Jealously aside, don’t have a baby with this man.

I can’t help but feel like she gets everything handed to her on a plate, everything I’ve been denied.

Urgh. For fucks sake woman the only person “denying” you anything is you! You aren’t in prison right?

YOU can choose to leave this situationship right now. YOU can choose to excel in your career. YOU can choose to take a path which steers you to where YOU want to go.

YOU can also go and speak to the NHS about your fertility options independently. Your “partner” is also 22, no wonder he doesn’t want to get married, he’s 22!!!

Jesus, I’ve seen bullets leave guns slower.

Miserable bugger vs miserable bitch is very different.

You're only 22, why are you settling for a man who won't marry you?

If you want marriage, go and get someone who wants the same. They are out there.

You've outgrown this teenage relationship.

You’re far too young to be feeling this way. Why do you feel such urgency about IVF right now? Why do you feel you need to get married immediately? Take some time to enjoy yourself, maybe even spend a little time apart from your partner to really figure out what you want in life. As many others have said, these feelings seem rooted in jealousy, and that wouldn’t be so strong if you were truly happy with your own life. That’s not on her, that’s on you. If you find her insufferable, then keep your distance but sometimes life just works out more easily for certain people. It isn’t necessarily their fault, and you can’t hold them accountable for their circumstances.

You and your partner aren't married. You're only 22.

His brother's fiancee isn't your problem. You attitude is. You are jealous because his bro settled down and his parents gifted them a lump sum for a house deposit after he had a baby. He and his partner are both high earners. They both work hard and it's paying off for them.

You want what she has and you're feeling resentful that you have to work hard and save for IVF. Do you deep down expect your partner's parents to fund your reproductive choices and treatment? If this is what you want, you're being very unreasonable. You and your partner should be saving for that, not expecting to be funded by his well off parents.

Your partner shouldn't be calling you names like bitch.

I expect your not wanting to go to their engagement party was a last straw moment for your partner. But he gets that you're willing to cause a big family rift by snubbing his brother and his partner because you're so jealous. You're in a toxic mindset if you keep up the comparisons. Also, if you expect lump sums of money from his parents and are resentful because they're not working the cash over instead of being content with working towards your goals that's really toxic.

You want marriage and he doesn't "believe" in it. Sounds to me like you need a new partner. Why would you try and have a baby with someone who doesn't want what you want?

Do not have a child with a man that doesn’t believe in marriage. What bit doesn’t he believe in? Is it that he doesn’t want to share what you build together and instead wants to be able to screw you over if he wants to leave you and the baby?

It’s a financial and economic contract - there’s nothing to “not believe in”.

Exactly she is being bitter and miserable. The boyfriend probably said it in the heat of the moment

Jesus, at 22 you should be having the time of your life. Not saving for bloody IVF and settling for someone who thinks so little of you he calls you a bitch.

Agree with previous posters. Focus on yourself and making your own happiness. First step… ditch your boyfriend

being mean and jealous about his brothers engagement isn’t ok.

also you are 22. Life is long and arduous, you have so much yet to come. Their lives are an anomaly, focus on your own life and what/how you want it to look and work on creating that.

if you want to get married why are you staying with someone who doesn’t want to? Is it because you want a baby or do you actually not care about being married?

The first time my partner called me a bitch would be the last time. I’d be out of there.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

How much do you have in the savings pot? Take that money and go travel the see the world for a bit. Experience life, meet new people, take a thousand photos that fill others wuth envy (including her!) celebrate your youth! I wish j could go back 20 years and do the same.

Oh, and dump this man. You have years ahead of you and you will find someone decent who appreciates you and to have a baby with.

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This.

Plus... I don't think you are bitter. It would be very hard to go to that very lavish engagement party whilst you are struggling. With an £18k engagement ring,... the wedding will be even harder.

Its not surprising that it's difficult to see someone - who has hung out with people who bullied you at school - finding life so easy at such a young age. When you are struggling to save for IVF and are worried about fertilitiy issues.

From the facebook comment, I'd be surprised if she treats you with respect. It sounds like she's confident to diss you.

Is it jealousy, (have other people called it that) or are you just being protective of yourself by not going. Particularly if some of her delightful old school friends might be there.

I think if you know its going to be awkward, you BF is NOT sympathetic in any way and the Hostess is disrespectful, that it really doesn't sound like an enjoyable event, or that you are worried you may even find it hurtful.

So I think you are being protective of yourself by asking whether you even need to go. I think if you felt you really had your BF's support and reassurance that you would feel a lot more confident about going. Having been bullied at school clearly knocked your confidence and made you feel less than and you are equating this party with putting yourself in the same position.

I would say that you are still very young, and trying to flourish in stoney soil. I don't think much of your BF from your description of him. Calls you nasty names, makes no attempt to understand why you feel that way, or to reassure you, never wants to marry but wants to have children.

That doesn't sound like someone who is going to give you confidence and value your worth. Forget that the Fiance/bullyfriend getting so much so young. That's a rarity, and it just so happens that your lot is that you will have work for what you want. But that doesn't mean you won't be able to achieve it. You are clearly motivated to save for your IVF, which is laudable. Who is to say that you can't achieve your dreams once you identify them and find a path to them. Then you will have the confidence you deserve. I think you should get some therapy to help you deal with the after effects of the school bullying,.

You say you must proceed with IVF asap, but you are only 22. Have you had a proper IVF consultation. I don't think it is a good idea to rush into having children with an unsupportive partner, with inlaws you don't get on with, whilst you still have all these internal struggles and confidence issues. I think you need to focus on yourself and what you can do to improve your own life/career/salary and have a bit of fun whilst you are still young, rather than tying yourself down to an unsatisfactory situation which doesn't sound like it will make you happy.

Saving money for ivf at 22 is madness. get on the waiting list with the NHS it’ll likely take the same amount of time as saving.

I’ve started noticing this forum can be very trigger happy on ending relationships, but this is the first time I’ve seen someone so extreme that one utterance of the word bitch snd people pile on to say bin your relationship off. Some appear almost salivating.

i mean I don’t like the fact a 22 year old is living the life she is choosing to lead either, but there is nothing to say her partner is forcing her to have a baby or that other than this one time where he called her a miserable bitch, possibly in the heat of the moment, he is in any way abusive.

and I’d be royally pissed off if my husband told me he’d not go to my brothers engagement do as he was so jealous. Quite frankly I’d probably call him a miserable fucker. I’m also not convinced that’s marriage ending as some here seem to think.