DS moved to uni and blocked me

[BloomGeneral]

DS is 18, last year when still 17 he started talking to a boy, well man as he was 21. He said it was all platonic but I still felt off. Why would a 21 year old want to be friends with a 17yo? To make it worse, he was a streamer where he had a few thousand followers and DS was one of them originally which made the dynamic even worse tbh.

This was all online and I only found out when DS went to see him when his parents were away, he lied to me and said he was staying at a friends here, but she had no idea about it. Since then our relationship has become rocky, we used to have a good relationship, not extremely close but not distant either.

He applied to go to uni in the man’s city and got an unconditional offer (he also got offers at 2 other uni but obviously chose the first one).

He moved there about 2 weeks ago now and he hadn't really spoke to much, we spoke on the phone twice. The most recent time he was saying he felt unwell, he's diabetic and drank too much/misjudged his blood sugar or something along those lines (I don't know the full story), I asked if he wanted me to go there(about a 3.5 hour drive) and he said no it's fine X (the man) was with him.

DS hasn't ever come out as gay but I do suspect there could be some sort of relationship going on. He messaged me a few times since then, but not a lot. I asked how he was feeling and he said “fine” and I asked what he’d been up to and he said “stuff”. He hasn't replied to my message I sent on Saturday and I went to message again on WhatsApp and it hasn't sent and his profile pic has vanished. This means he's blocked me doesn't it? I haven't tried to ring him.

What the hell do I do?

If you’re very worried that he’s at serious risk of harm, you could contact the University’s welfare team for them to try reaching out to him but be aware that this process is still compliant with GDPR.

The other man might have got the phone and blocked you, who knows.

Hope you hear soon.

I don’t think there is anyone who doesn’t understand the concern about rhe diabetes, but it is silly to ignore the very major issue here which is the ops reaction to his friendship or relationship and how she’s handled it. The disapproval is pulsating.

I’m shocked university won’t do a welfare check. My child has epilepsy and I would expect a welfare check.
We have a couple of single people at work and if they don’t turn or can’t be contacted. Then a welfare check is done.
But I would push my worry down and wait for requests for money.

I suspect this may be the root cause of it but it’s being dressed up as concern over the age difference and an imagined power imbalance. Son will see through it though.

Yes it's T1 diabetes, he was only diagnosed at 14 so it's still relevately new (as in hasn't been used to it from a young child), he once purposely messed with his sugars and ate a bunch of sweets and things, I suspect it was a suicide attempt but he never confirmed it nor denied it. I am worried due to the alcohol risk as well as the relationship because he's going to want to be like any other 18yo but he has to be more careful.

I don't think posters that are calling me controlling are reading my replies, I haven't said anything about it recently. I haven't messaged him constantly either.

I have messaged him on normal messages now but I don't know if it's gone through. He doesn't talk to his dad and he doesn't have any siblings

some of you clearly lack reading comprehension or you just enjoy being nasty on the internet. Would you call a worried mum controlling in real life for just being worried about her son??

@Thelankyone
With all due respect unless you've been a parent managing this shitty condition 24/7 you can't possibly fully understand the complexities of it. Your role as a parent shifts massively from the day of diagnosis and impacts the nature of your relationship forever.
Maybe this has exacerbated OPs general anxiety around the overall wellbeing of her son.
A bit of empathy and kindness might be nice.

Typically most will engage with students and check in if their attendance dips but specifically welfare checks are not done on the regular unless there’s a cause for concern

I don't care if he is gay but as I said he's never came out as anything. His dad is likely to have a problem but we aren't together and DS doesn't really talk to him. He moved a few hours away and stopped being as involved with DS (hasn't wished him a happy birthday in 3+ years, didn't come and see him or ask DS to go and see him, didn't even text DS first, it was always DS texting which is why they don't talk anymore as DS stopped making all the effort)

As a parent of a child with T1, I completely understand why you’re concerned. That anxiety is awful.

I don’t have any advice to offer unfortunately, as I’m not sure what I would do in this scenario. But I hear you, including your concern about the friend.

I totally understand why you are worried as blocking your parent is not normal!

I would try calling to find out what is happening.

are you supporting him financially? He will need to speak to you at some point.

How did you react when he said he was with his friend? Might you have come across negatively and he’s taken it to heart?

I understand you OP, you must be extremely worried and I'm sure if this was your daughter, rather than your son, the replies would be very different. I hope he gets in touch soon x

17 isn’t really a child OP and he’s legally an adult now. He’s been in touch several times in the last weeks and blocked you to get a break from your anxiety probably. He’s not alone, hes with other people and university staff. Leave him be for a while.

I'm quite sure a uni would do a welfare check on a T1 diabetic if asked. And just because they couldn't share the outcome with OP, it doesn't mean they wouldn't act if there was a medical concern or he couldn't be located, which are presumably the two things most on OP's mind. If blocking her continues without him being in contact, raising a welfare concern should eventually be her next move.

Whatever people are saying, blocking even the most overbearing parent isn't normal, particularly when there's a 3.5 hour journey doing the heavy lifting for you, and hanging out exclusively with an existing online friend/boyfriend the minute you've turned up for your shiny new degree course isn't normal either.

Give him a call, don't agonise. When I went to uni I'd go weeks without contacting my parents. I would have picked up if they'd called me, though. Is he in halls? If so he won't be that isolated.
And rather than waiting for him to come out, why not make that easier by telling him you'll love him equally no matter who he brings home? Or ask whether he's met anyone nice yet?

As others have said, I’d sent a food parcel of all his favourite things, together with a simple message saying something like “Thought you might need some sustenance while you’re working hard 😊 Sending loads of love!” Don’t mention the blocking for now. You can always text if you need to but try to back off a bit for now.

The replies on this thread are wild. Of course the relationship is concerning and 17/20 is a big age gap! It’s not the same as 20/23 for example. 17 year olds are still at school, living with parents and not fully fledged adults, 20 year olds are adults.
Thinking back to when I was 20 and in third year at uni, there’s no way I’d have wanted to date or even be friends with a 17 year old school kid!
I did date someone with a similar age gap when I was 17, he was emotionally abusive and turned me against my family and friends. Looking back, I wish someone had stepped in and protected me, though I probably wouldn’t have wanted to listen.
People are also missing the fact that OP’s son chose his uni based on where this man is living, that’s not normal and sounds far too intense. It does sound like he’s been groomed in a way.

Going against the grain here OP but I actually agree with you on the age gap. It may not seem like a big age gap, but st that age the power balance is significant- a 22 year old has more life experience than an 18 year old who is yet to explore university, so please don’t let anyone convince you otherwise, as only you know your son. When I was 17, it was only weirdo 22 year olds who wanted to be our friend, because most 21 year olds wanted to hang around with 21 year olds!

I would send him a little food parcel
or something and pop a note in to say you’d love to visit soon and take him and his friend out for food.

I can’t believe people think it’s no big deal that he’s blocked you OP. I’d be beside myself with worry. Especially with the diabetes as well. No advice really, but I wanted you to know that not everyone on MN thinks parents should disappear in a puff of smoke when a child turns 18.

My advice to you would be to get your child to put it on record that they give permission for the university to share information with you if they have any welfare concerns. It's not that they wouldn't do a welfare check - there are procedures, I know of an instance where a student expressed a wish to harm themselves in an email and all sorts of efforts were made to track them down and make sure they were safe. It's the sharing of information with someone else, even a family member, without advance permission that's out of bounds. If you know your child is vulnerable then you can take action on this ahead of time.

At 17 I was dating a 24 yo guy and hanging out in a group of people aged 17-26. You need to chill. 17yo “child” is crazy. My dd is 17. She’s not a child, she’s an “almost adult”. It sounds like you’ve over stepped and he wants space. The fact he has followers… really weird that you’re hung up on that. Your son made a friendship and you’re implying it’s odd and I really can’t see why.

I think we can see why. I’d leave it a week, send a note with an olive branch and learn to step back.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. My ds has diabetes and him going off to uni has been one of the scariest things for me.

Blocking you is weird though, I think you need to reach out and find out if you have upset him and try to be accepting of his relationship.