DS moved to uni and blocked me

[BloomGeneral]

DS is 18, last year when still 17 he started talking to a boy, well man as he was 21. He said it was all platonic but I still felt off. Why would a 21 year old want to be friends with a 17yo? To make it worse, he was a streamer where he had a few thousand followers and DS was one of them originally which made the dynamic even worse tbh.

This was all online and I only found out when DS went to see him when his parents were away, he lied to me and said he was staying at a friends here, but she had no idea about it. Since then our relationship has become rocky, we used to have a good relationship, not extremely close but not distant either.

He applied to go to uni in the man’s city and got an unconditional offer (he also got offers at 2 other uni but obviously chose the first one).

He moved there about 2 weeks ago now and he hadn't really spoke to much, we spoke on the phone twice. The most recent time he was saying he felt unwell, he's diabetic and drank too much/misjudged his blood sugar or something along those lines (I don't know the full story), I asked if he wanted me to go there(about a 3.5 hour drive) and he said no it's fine X (the man) was with him.

DS hasn't ever come out as gay but I do suspect there could be some sort of relationship going on. He messaged me a few times since then, but not a lot. I asked how he was feeling and he said “fine” and I asked what he’d been up to and he said “stuff”. He hasn't replied to my message I sent on Saturday and I went to message again on WhatsApp and it hasn't sent and his profile pic has vanished. This means he's blocked me doesn't it? I haven't tried to ring him.

What the hell do I do?

‘he was saying he felt unwell, he's diabetic and drank too much/misjudged his blood sugar or something along those lines.’

People seem to be forgetting this line from the OP who hasn’t been back and who can blame her with so many unhelpful, judgemental and negative comments? Such lack of compassion for a worried mother. No wonder there’s a mental health crisis.

Really hope your son is okay, OP. Been thinking of you.

I'm not trying to be provoking here but with boys especially, there is not much difference between 17 and 21! I have DS of these ages and yes the 21y old is a tiny bit more mature but not much. It's a 4 year gap ffs. And if your son is gay you best buckle up because very large age gaps are pretty common in the gay community.

If my texts and WhatsApps weren’t going through and the phone wasn’t ringing to my kid I’d be freaking out too -he’s only just moved away and it’s entirely NORMAL for this to be worrying for you. That’s without any mention of the potential bf/diabetes. I’d probably be shitting myself he’d been kidnapped or something mad. I think it’s good you’re asking for help tbh, instead of driving yourself mad. Hopefully he’s absolutely fine, and just overstating his independence a bit -and the best and only advice I can give you (once you know he’s okay) is to white knuckle through it by making sure you are just always, always the softest place to land until it evens out -and it will. Trust the relationship you have, and stay steady. The absent/crap dad thing will create a need in him for male figures too, which is worth keeping in mind.

Wow.... I must be the odd one here and I think youve done nothing wrong texting a bit. I would hope contact once a week when my sons old enough to move out, even if that is just a hello text. Takes seconds to say hi/check in

Nothing wrong with the age gap, but unfortunately you went the wrong way about things. The minute you make it known you don’t like their friends/partner they will choose them over you.
If you have a pet, send him a photo of it, that’s assuming you know where he is staying.
Try and build bridges even if you don’t approve of the relationship don’t make that known.
The way you come across is controlling so he may be be enjoying his freedom, so you need to keep channels of communication open without passing any sort of judgement.
If you don’t know where he is contact uni (they won’t be able to tell you anything, GDPR) but you can tell them you are worried and ask for a welfare check.

I assume you are talking about me because I’m the only person I see who’s mentioned being a university employee. Though seeing as you haven’t quoted the post you’re referring to it’s hard to be a 100% certain.

if you are talking about me you must have missed my first post, only a few posts on the thread away from my second post where I did indeed say that a welfare check would normally be done if requested. I also made no mention of estrangement, homophobia or dysfunctional families so not sure where that’s come from.

So I think I did post something of use and reassurance. I also think my second post correcting other incorrect posts saying she’d get an update was actually something of use….because otherwise the OP would think the university wasn’t doing what they should be/could be doing when that wouldn’t be correct.

If you private message me on here with the persons channel I’ll check it and see what’s going on there and let you know what I find out.

Many young people want to find their independence at Uni. You have to respect that. Send him a card with a light hearted message about the post being old fashioned and that you hope he is having a good time. Enclose a modest sum of money and suggests he treats himself to new trainers/ concert tickets/ supermarket shop. You might get a thank you by text if you don't crowd him out.

I have mixed feelings

the age gap

By the time I was your son's age I had been working full time for two years and was dating guys who were 22. My parents just let me get on with it. You are being annoying and controlling, this is why he has blocked you.

Not on MN - you are lucky if 30 is classed as an adult here!!

I can't imagine how those of us who lived through the years when people left school at 15/16 and didn't go to uni actually coped - although strangely enough, most of us did, unlike the huge number of anxious young people who can't seem to deal with the slightest issue these days.

Completely agree with this.
OP is being overbearing and completely exaggerating an "age gap" and "power imbalance" that isn't there. Their disapproval of the friend is their issue, and it's been dressed up with "concerns".
Smothering someone does not make them want to come back, it pushes them further away. Blocking is an extreme response, and it has not come from nowhere.

If it was genuinely a concern over health, they could call on withheld number, see if the phone calls gets answered, say nothing for proof of life...if that's actually the issue at hand. Alternatively, they could have another family member reach out or family friend. It all seems very sus.

Send a hamper, a voucher, some snacks with an apology note and don't continue with the judgement, overbearing and I know whats best for you. You're already at a crossroads, and you need to take the mature decision to let them make decisions for themselves, not force your opinions or agenda.

When I was 17, my boyfriend.who I met aged 16, was 23 and we had lived together since 2 months before my 17th birthday. We bought a flat together when I was 19. Yes he was a controlling, abusive POS but I didn't have any family to turn to or protect me. I survived and left him, aged 20. I get that you're worried but 17 is not a child and don't ever let him hear you say that. Establish he's OK, set ground rules for a weekly check-in and then back off before you alienate him entirely. By all means, stalk the shit out of the friend, but tread carefully so as not to spook anyone.

Must be worrying for you OP
I moved to London when I was 17 - rang my mum once a week if she was lucky and we were a very close family - it’s only until you have kids of your own you realise how worried she must have been about me.

Hopefully he just wants a bit of space and will be in touch soon!

I haven't read the whole thread, but I have read everything you have written. As the parent of a 25-year-old type 1 diabetic son, I understand exactly why you are worried. I have no concerns about the man and the age gap, but the fact that he's type 1 and stopped communicating is a big concern to me. My son has recently moved out with a woman 4 years older than him, she is brilliant for him, but I still follow my son's glucose levels and pump data on my phone to be able to help with emergencies, even if it's just calling him or them until I get an answer (maybe 999 if I don't and the data warrants it).

It does sound like he's blocked you, and I would be sending him a message via the university to explain why you are worried about him. He is an adult, but needs to understand the severity of his condition and why you are worried about him. BTW, there is a group on Facebook for Parents of Type 1 Uni Students & Young Adults that might be useful to join; someone there is likely to have gone through something very similar.

He might not be gay, just moved to a city where he knows someone fun. But if they are going gay relationship, I mean is there anything a mother can do ....be his mother, send him gifts, money and whatever happens, happens

The blocking is horrible though. Why ....going gay doesn't mean you abandon your own mother. I thought gays actually love their female relatives deeply

@BloomGeneral did you hear back from your son in the end?

By the look of your username that was in 1977.

Any update?

I have also been wondering about you @BloomGeneral and hoping you've made contact and that things are OK.

Hey OP! This is one of the most recent updates I’ve seen from you. Did you phone uni and was everything ok in the end?

I hope whatever the situation, that your DS is ok.

I don’t think I ever got around to commenting on the thread before now - but for what it’s worth, I don’t think the age gap is such a concern, but entirely understand your apprehensions given this is someone he has met online, potentially barely knows, you don’t know at all, and your concerns over the impact this may have on his studies and experience of university life. It could be all is well and online friend in real life is exactly who he is online and it’s the start of a long lasting good friendship/relationship, who supports him through uni, I don’t know.
Rather than demonstrating his maturity to you though, if he did block you, this more indicates a lack of forethought and consideration (hell I’ve rung A&E before now when DP still isn’t home hours after his usual time with no reasonable place I could think of that he could be and he is uncontactable by phone - generally because he forgets to charge it so the battery goes flat - but I can only guess that as the reason at the time - and he’s a fully grown man in his 40s!) - OF COURSE you would be worrying that your teenage son who has only just left home, is no longer reachable, and he should’ve realised that!
Yes, boys when they go to uni tend to be somewhat useless at keeping in touch with their parents (I remember a male friend getting a letter from his mum whilst at uni - this was when barely anyone had a mobile phone - that said words to the effect of “Hello. Remember me? I am your mother”, because he’d not rung home in two weeks!).
If your lad was just reading and not replying or messages going unread I might side slightly with the “he’s busy” PPs, but in this case I appreciate you fear you were blocked? If the phone was completely dead, would it respond the same way?

Anyway, please come back and update us - as one of life’s natural worriers, the lack of update from you 3 weeks later leaves me torn between the rational “ah it will have been nothing of concern, like he broke/lost his phone but couldn’t remember mum’s number to tell her the new number - and OP didn’t want to come back and feel she made a fuss over nothing” (you didn’t, btw), and what if the lack of update means it was something serious!

So, I hope all is well … please do let us know :-)

He is growing up and wants to live his own life even if that involves making mistakes. As parents we need to learn to take a back seat as our children get older. Our worries are our own. Besides helicopter parents are very annoying.