DS moved to uni and blocked me

[BloomGeneral]

DS is 18, last year when still 17 he started talking to a boy, well man as he was 21. He said it was all platonic but I still felt off. Why would a 21 year old want to be friends with a 17yo? To make it worse, he was a streamer where he had a few thousand followers and DS was one of them originally which made the dynamic even worse tbh.

This was all online and I only found out when DS went to see him when his parents were away, he lied to me and said he was staying at a friends here, but she had no idea about it. Since then our relationship has become rocky, we used to have a good relationship, not extremely close but not distant either.

He applied to go to uni in the man’s city and got an unconditional offer (he also got offers at 2 other uni but obviously chose the first one).

He moved there about 2 weeks ago now and he hadn't really spoke to much, we spoke on the phone twice. The most recent time he was saying he felt unwell, he's diabetic and drank too much/misjudged his blood sugar or something along those lines (I don't know the full story), I asked if he wanted me to go there(about a 3.5 hour drive) and he said no it's fine X (the man) was with him.

DS hasn't ever come out as gay but I do suspect there could be some sort of relationship going on. He messaged me a few times since then, but not a lot. I asked how he was feeling and he said “fine” and I asked what he’d been up to and he said “stuff”. He hasn't replied to my message I sent on Saturday and I went to message again on WhatsApp and it hasn't sent and his profile pic has vanished. This means he's blocked me doesn't it? I haven't tried to ring him.

What the hell do I do?

I’d love to hear his side of the story. I bet it would be VERY revealing.

Sounds like his had enough of you micromanaging him.

His 18 at uni with a 21/22 year old friend. Thats hardly a let’s get the police and arrest a pedo territory. At 17 nearly an adult you was mad he lied about where he was sleeping out. God no wonder his trying to low info diet you. He only lied because you wouldn’t let him a near adult go to a friend’s house. 17 year olds go to college with people in their early 20’s it’s not weird.

I don't know why everyone is being such an arsehole to you OP, you must be worried especially as he's a diabetic. It's strange that he's blocked you and if you don't hear from him or manage to contact him by the weekend I'd consider contacting student services.

Everyone is hung up on the 18/21 age gap, which no isn't numerically massive but if it was an 18 year old girl I think the attitudes would be very different. As you say, there is a power imbalance there if this guy has a following and your DS was originally a fan.

I can understand why you are worried given you now can’t get in touch with him but given he is an adult and he has made this decision, I think respecting it and letting him have his own space to make his own decisions and mistakes could be the making of your relationship.

Tho I do agree if you are genuinely worried about his medical condition check in with the uni medical team.

I don't think attitudes would be different for a female/male relationship. Apparently a 4 year age gap is one of the most common in different sex relationships.

Agreed, perhaps I should've kept the genders neutral.

A 17yo being a viewer makes it a power imbalance plus the age gap. I haven't mentioned anything to him as I said since last year, so I haven't been talking badly about him. I haven't been texting him every 5 minutes either, I have left him be but due to his diabetes I was worried I didn't get a reply from Saturday so I tried to message him again.

I'm not suffocting or intense like all you say. I haven't got the other man's number no, and I don't know for sure he is gay nor DS but it could be more than a friendship

Agreed!
I would also be concerned. You are his parent and you will worry. He is now an adult and will do what he will unfortunately, and some of it may be foolish, easier said than done not to fuss/overcrowd and worry. I would give it a bit of time first, and then if very concerned you could contact the university to do a welfare check. It may make things worse sadly, and they may not tell you the outcome since he is an adult, but it’s something. I wouldn’t start out all guns blazing though. Give it a bit of time. He may be in the midst of discovering something new about himself , and exploring things, it may be some excitement or fun and it isn’t necessarily always going to be a dire outcome

I feel for you though OP, I’m sure it’s a worrying and painful time. Sometimes I wonder at the minimisation of callous and inconsiderate behaviour, it doesnt help young people adjust to the adult world. Speaking as someone who works with young people.

Young people are always quick to block people these days. Seems weird to me when you can just ignore but its pretty standard.

He’s not 17 anymore, and the other man is just a few years older than him.. you are making a mountain of a molehill and it’s causing him to distance himself from you. Back off. For context, I was 17 when I met my husband who was 22 then. We are still together 22 years later….

I think this is a really hard situation for you, but I also don't think that there's much that you can do about it. I suggest you send him one email or text (whatever he's most likely to see) saying that you think he's blocked you on Whatsapp, so you'll give him some space, but that he can get in touch whenever he wants. Then leave it and try not to obsess about it. Get on with your own life.

Are you in the UK? How is at Uni aged only 17.
DD has just moved for uni. When she told me she was seeing 'Sarah' she immeduately followed it up with, 'I know you love me and will be supportive.' Can DS say the same with you?

I understand your concern @BloomGeneral , I’d be worried if DD (20, also at uni) blocked me and wasn’t responding to messages.

It sounds as if he feels that you disapprove of his life choices so he’s distancing himself.
I’d leave it for a week and message him again. Don’t be too pushy, just say hi, hope all’s going well.

If you don’t hear from him at all, you may need to ask his uni to do a welfare check. It’s important that he’s looking after himself given his medical condition.

It sounds like he really needs some space from you. I'm not saying that you've necessarily done anything wrong, just that I think some kids need to get really distant in order to psychologically differentiate their identity from their parents'. And this is a time of transition, going to uni.

I would try not to panic and just not do anything for a while. Keep calm and carry on.

I think you are being OTT over the age gap and doing his head in!

Very normal in some places to be at uni when you are 17.

Think back to when you were at university and you just had a quick phone call with your parents every week or so. I told my parents nothing about my personal life. I had several ill advised short lived relationships with older men but they didn’t know about them

@PinkFlloyd He’s 18 now, was 17 when he started talking to the guy.

My son went to uni age 17

You can’t help being worried, I’d be the same!

Not sure why so many people are piling on you!

My son is newly 20 and is be worried sick in your situation. I think I’d give him a day or so and if you have t heard I’d ask someone at uni to check on him. If he is ok medically, hard as it is, I guess it’s just waiting for him to contact you, though I understand how hard this will be x

Agreed. When I was went to university and as a post-graduate I had relationships with men who were variously 1, 3, 6 and 9 years older than I was! And a year younger, for a bit of balance :) I do know that things have changed a bit though.

I do think it's a bit silly for him to block you but if you back off he will unblock you in time. Just send him an email once a fortnight or something with a funny picture or a comment about a sporting event he'll have probably watched or taken notice of, that sort of thing. We used to know ds was still alive because he'd pop up every so often with comments about football matches.

He also hasn’t blocked you he just isn’t wanting endless WhatsApp messages from you. Focus on your own life. Let him know you are there if he needs you and just contact him once a week max. I presume you have a email or phone number of FB messenger contact for him. Dial the angst down 3 years is not a big gap

If an 18yo leaves home to go to Uni and doesn't talk to their parents for a month it makes you wonder what the situation was like when they lived with their parents tbh

@dynamiccactus Yes, keeping it light is important…DD and I were discussing her possible Halloween costumes earlier. It’s a big party weekend where she is. 🤣

Asking someone at uni to check on an 18 year old who has been a bad boy and not contacted mummy for a few days is the sort of thing that would have made me cut off contact with my parents as a teenager. Awful advice.