DS moved to uni and blocked me

[BloomGeneral]

DS is 18, last year when still 17 he started talking to a boy, well man as he was 21. He said it was all platonic but I still felt off. Why would a 21 year old want to be friends with a 17yo? To make it worse, he was a streamer where he had a few thousand followers and DS was one of them originally which made the dynamic even worse tbh.

This was all online and I only found out when DS went to see him when his parents were away, he lied to me and said he was staying at a friends here, but she had no idea about it. Since then our relationship has become rocky, we used to have a good relationship, not extremely close but not distant either.

He applied to go to uni in the man’s city and got an unconditional offer (he also got offers at 2 other uni but obviously chose the first one).

He moved there about 2 weeks ago now and he hadn't really spoke to much, we spoke on the phone twice. The most recent time he was saying he felt unwell, he's diabetic and drank too much/misjudged his blood sugar or something along those lines (I don't know the full story), I asked if he wanted me to go there(about a 3.5 hour drive) and he said no it's fine X (the man) was with him.

DS hasn't ever come out as gay but I do suspect there could be some sort of relationship going on. He messaged me a few times since then, but not a lot. I asked how he was feeling and he said “fine” and I asked what he’d been up to and he said “stuff”. He hasn't replied to my message I sent on Saturday and I went to message again on WhatsApp and it hasn't sent and his profile pic has vanished. This means he's blocked me doesn't it? I haven't tried to ring him.

What the hell do I do?

That is a really horrible thing to say to a mum who is worried about her son who is blocking her and who is involved with someone who she thinks is manipulative.

Yes, I tried to remember that when my DS was at uni. If we hadn’t heard from him for a fortnight I used to text ‘are you still alive?!!!’ which usually produced a response.

Back in the 80s I did not phone home more than once a week. I suspect DH called home about once a month.

When I was 21, I had a friend I met online who was 17. We were both fanfic writers in the same fandom, and I wasn’t aware of how old she was for a few months. She was a really big fan of my writing, so some people might argue that was a “power imbalance,” but neither of us saw it that way. I thought of her as equal to me.

I don’t know what’s going on with your son, but it’s not inherently a problem that he and this guy are friends at the ages they are.

I don't think OP sounds OTT, not at all. A concerned mum, yes and natural I think. It's hard enough seeing your child off to uni, let alone be then blocked. OP must be really worried. It's a parent's job to worry about their kids!

I can't think why he would do that and it is troubling and I understand a little of the worry about the 22 year old - but in reality it's not much difference in age.

Would he react well to an email? Keep light, friendly and don't mention the other chap for now? "Hope you are having a fab time at uni, settled in ok and making good friends and the course going well so far.. please let me know how you are getting on from time to time and look forward to hearing about some of your adventures!".

I presume back for holidays?

@DoctorDoctor Thanks for explaining the procedures, I’m pretty sure that DD has us down to be contacted in an emergency, but I’m going to check with her. Obviously it’s her choice, but I think she assumes that we would be.

To clarify, what you’re saying is that if a student is rushed into hospital for emergency surgery, after a RTA, for example, no one would be contacted unless they’d previously given permission?

I didn't say anything negative about the friend on the last phone call no, when DS said it was fine and I didn't need to go I asked if he was sure and when he said yes I told him to take it easy and that was that. I am concerned about the age gap despite what posters say to put it into perspective, when DS met him he was in Year 12, this man was in his last year of uni. I suspect they could've even met when he was 16, DS is late August born and I only found out about this man around this time last year so about a month after his 17th birthday. He's finished uni and lived elsewhere and now lives back with his parents so he's got very different life experience to DS who has only just turned 18 a month ago and only moved to uni 2 weeks ago

I have messaged him so ill have to see if he replies. I don't know if it's gone through or not

Just to add, a lot of the time hospital staff contact the University to make them aware they have the student

This thread makes me realise I was so lucky to have gone to university before mobile phones were invented! I probably speak to my parents once a month when I jumped on a train to head home for a decent Sunday roast and to wash all my clothes!
The age thing is just strange too. Back in my teens I had friends in their 20s and as soon as I hit uni I developed good friends in their 30s and 40s through common interests.

This, but more direct about why he needs to get in touch.

Hi son,
I noticed you'd blocked me on WhatsApp. I get that you are at uni now and starting your adult life but when we last spoke you felt quite ill and your diabetes wasn't under control. I'm sure you can understand my concern, so please give me a very quick call to let me know how you are. Love you and hope you're having fun with new people and enjoying uni.

DS was like this ( also in a relationship with a horrible older man) Very cold and distant. I used to send jokey texts. Are you still alive? Press Y for yes or N for no. (But that is our humour. Might not work for others.)

You keep saying on the last call you didn’t say anything bad. That doesn’t fix anything you have previously said.

A family Member said something 17 years ago to be that involved my now husband and child. I’ve never forgiven or forgotten and I never will.

Any contact needs to be low pressure love you, hope your enjoying uni, let me
know if you need anything type contact.

That doesn’t even qualify as an age gap. They’re both uni age. Do you think your son isn’t going to be friends with third year students? His friend/boyfriend is only the same age as them - they’re contemporaries and there’s no power imbalance. You’re being very OTT about this. You’re treating your adult son like a young child and I can absolutely see why he’s blocked you.

Yes.
If I could possibly "block" my parents at that age,
I would have done.

Even if she picked a university based on where this man lived?

I share your concerns. The thing that would worry me most, based on tragic personal experience, is that he might not be managing his diabetes properly since moving out.

Is his dad on the scene or are there any other family members that could send a casual text to check in?

@TeenLifeMumIt’s obviously not just friendship, who chooses their uni based on where a new friend lives! It all sounds way too intense.
I too hung out with some older people as a 17 year old and now that I’m older and a parent I can see that they were bad news. It’s crazy to me that as a parent of a teenager you don’t see anything wrong with a 26 (!) year old hanging out with 17 year olds. At that age I was a few years into my career, saving for a house deposit and living with my now DH, I can’t even imagine what I’d have had in common with a 17 year old.

How helpful 🙄

This. I don't know how people can be so obtuse that they don't register this dimension or that he is diabetic or unwell due to too much alcohol.

When I first went to Uni I was an utterly naive 18 year old and a 24 yo student asked me out. It was AWFUL and because of the age gap (which is much more pronounced if you haven't any experience - which it seems may be the situation for the Op's son) I was not wise to the plying me with alcohol (thank the Lord I hated the taste of it, because he really tried to take advantage) or the emotional blackmail which prevented me from breaking up sooner. To make matters worse, this guy was universally adored within certain circles, so the amount of hate directed at me for upsetting him was incredibly stressful.

Op - I would feel exactly the same as you. Hopefully he is completely fine and loving life & his freedom & making loads of perfectly lovely friends & connections - but worth a call or a check imo.

I work in HE, we do welfare checks all the time on students that go AWOL from
family. Happens a lot.

But I think in this instance just let it go. Send him something lovely as a surprise in a couple
of weeks with no strings attached. Then leave it for him to get in touch. He’ll come back.

I honestly don't know what hospital procedures would be, though I would assume from personal experience that they can contact next of kin if someone is brought in seriously injured or as a patient becomes seriously unwell. I can only answer for a university environment and what we can, or rather can't, do if family members ask about the state of a student - who could be perfectly fine, but just hasn't bothered to contact home. That unfortunately is their choice. We can mention it to the student: so if they come to class, we can take them to one side and privately say 'look, your mum rang and she's worried about you, so if you could just send a quick message to say you're ok it would really help' but we can't say to a parent, without permission to do so 'they were in class today so they seem okay'. As a parent I do really understand how worrying this can be. Some 18 year olds don't take that on board, however.

I would also be worried OP and don’t think you are overreacting. I don’t think you are getting good advice either. If you haven’t heard from him in a few days I would get in touch with the university. I would be very light touch with him but make clear you’re worried for his health. Good luck.

Forgive me if I misunderstood, but OP's son is 18, the other chap is 22.

Yes OP, how silly and unreasonable of you to be worried about your teenage son who has only just gone to uni, has quite a serious health condition, may or may not be being groomed by an older man, and has now cut contact with you. How overbearing.

Christ there are some wannabe ‘cool mums’ on this thread. I guarantee the replies would be different if it was a daughter.

It's not people, is it? You're his Mum. You have a legitimate concern about his health.

Op I'm sure he will come round and unblock you soon enough, especially if he needs money or.domestic advice eg "how long do I leave the dryer on" etc

He might be feeling overwhelmed with his emotions, especially if he is gay and this is his first relationship.

I barely heard from my DD for weeks until she fell ill and had no food, so I ended up making a load of meals, got some shopping and drove 2 hours each way to take it all to her!

It's hard to separate anxiety and intuition at a time like this. You need to try and distract yourself so you don't go out of your mind thinking yo all sorts of possibilities.

There was a 49 year old in our uni class when I was there. Would've been a very lonely few years for him if he wasn't allowed to make friends with any of the other students the entire time!

My friend actually dated a 22 year old at 16 (and he was in a minor local band so I guess you could say she was a fan and there was a power imbalance) she got in contact with him first. I know times have changed since then but no one batted an eyelid. I did used to joke with another friend about the 6 year age gap, but it was mainly because I was jealous.