DS moved to uni and blocked me

[BloomGeneral]

DS is 18, last year when still 17 he started talking to a boy, well man as he was 21. He said it was all platonic but I still felt off. Why would a 21 year old want to be friends with a 17yo? To make it worse, he was a streamer where he had a few thousand followers and DS was one of them originally which made the dynamic even worse tbh.

This was all online and I only found out when DS went to see him when his parents were away, he lied to me and said he was staying at a friends here, but she had no idea about it. Since then our relationship has become rocky, we used to have a good relationship, not extremely close but not distant either.

He applied to go to uni in the man’s city and got an unconditional offer (he also got offers at 2 other uni but obviously chose the first one).

He moved there about 2 weeks ago now and he hadn't really spoke to much, we spoke on the phone twice. The most recent time he was saying he felt unwell, he's diabetic and drank too much/misjudged his blood sugar or something along those lines (I don't know the full story), I asked if he wanted me to go there(about a 3.5 hour drive) and he said no it's fine X (the man) was with him.

DS hasn't ever come out as gay but I do suspect there could be some sort of relationship going on. He messaged me a few times since then, but not a lot. I asked how he was feeling and he said “fine” and I asked what he’d been up to and he said “stuff”. He hasn't replied to my message I sent on Saturday and I went to message again on WhatsApp and it hasn't sent and his profile pic has vanished. This means he's blocked me doesn't it? I haven't tried to ring him.

What the hell do I do?

Do you know what the social media account is for or what was the other man posting about? That will also give you some idea of what they might be doing, if they are busy and out and about, if they are likely to be spending time with lots of other people or at home, etc. Travelling, gaming, gym stuff, what is that got them to know each other and exchange details?

Do you know the address? Can you send a postcard and a gift connected to his (their) interests, saying that you just want him to check in now and then and hear he's ok?

I have a daughter. My advice would be exactly the same. Given that most of the advice given is similar why not take the time to think about it? Rather than as I said being defensive. Of course you’re worried, but try to manage that, and look to how best to reconnect. That’s almost certainly not by forcing the issue here, or commenting on his current relationship.

Send a card as some of us have said. Then wait for him to get in touch.

The age gap sounds quite unexceptionable to me, whether they're friends or lovers. An actual power imbalance would be a different concern, but I don't see that you have any concrete evidence of it being a factor.
I do know however how worrying it is when you don't hear from them. Your mind can go into overdrive imagining all sorts of scenarios, when they could dial your anxiety right down by simply replying that they're fine, and keeping busy, once a week or so. They don't know that, of course. Your DS is embracing his independence and is being thoughtless about shutting you out of that process.

They go at 17 in Scotland.

@2Rebecca A medical check for someone with diabetes….would you really take the risk with your child?

I would be concerned because of his diabetes ,regardless of age and friendships.
Text him ,just asking if he is looking after himself ,having fun ,settling in etc .
Don’t mention that he hasn’t read your message.
End message saying look forward to a catch up when you are free.

Her ds is 18, end of August birthday. Blocking his mum is extreme, I do wonder if we’re just getting her version which she has sanitised, however, having seen my boss in bits due to taking her dd (last of her dc) to uni at the weekend, I assume you don’t immediately relinquish parental concern/responsibility once they hit the magic 18!

I remember my dps almost getting in the car to travel 3 hours because I forgot to call them for 2 weeks when I went back to uni after a holiday (bad me, no mobiles in those days)

Most streamers are video gamers.

Unless op actually means an influencer rather than streamer.

He sounds like he needs his space from you ,he is an adult and you should back off

I have a son just started at university and would be extremely worried in ghis situation. All the posters saying leave him and don't smother him etc, that's fine if it is in character or expected or normal for that child. I have twins, if I didn't hear from one for a couple of weeks or a month it would barely register. The one just started university would cause me massive worry if I didn't hear. Trust your instincts and that you know what is out of the ordinary behaviour for your child.

It’s certainly a red flag isn’t it. Older man with under 18 year old groupie who encourages him to move to his city and then potentially encourages him to cut off from his family. None of that sounds fun and light.

I don't really understand why you wouldn't just ring him. If nothing else to find out if you are actually blocked. Has it definitely not sent or has he turned off the read option?

It's been four days since your last contact and he told you he wasn't feeling great. A checking in call would be quite normal, wouldn't it?

They are clearly in a relationship. Just treat it as such. Hope you and x have been having a good time etc.

If he's blocked you on WhatsApp then I'd try Messenger with a very light 'just let me know you are okay in light of your diabetes scare. Here if you need me but sure you are enjoying your freedom' tone. Step it back from any conflict but I think you also need to make the effort. He's still young and is probably testing you.on some level.

If this man is genuinely bad news then you don't want to hand him the 'see she didn't even try to get in touch'/ hates us narrative.

You need to accept he’s now an adult making his own choices about who to socialise with.

you need to back right off and let him enjoy being at uni and being away from home

My daughter is diabetic, and it adds a whole new level of worry to the moving away to college thing. Alcohol, different eating patterns, so hard for them to navigate. I tried not to badger my daughter, but I definitely checked whether she'd been on WhatsApp or Instagram as a proof of life thing. I still do TBH, and she's going into her 3rd year.

You sound suffocating and overbearing. Your son can make his own decisions and an age gap of 17 and 21 isn’t really that big.

if you want to save your relationship with your son you need to back off and stop being so involved in his personal life like he’s 12.

I saw a video earlier from someone saying they were blocking their parents as soon as they moved to university. Who’s financially supporting him?

This.

This is only presumed.

The man streams video games to a following of about 5000, DS was originally a fan so yes there is a power imbalance. He knows no-one in the city he's in except for this man so he can easily control him and isolate him. I've not told him I disapprove or mentioned the age gap recently. He has struggled with his mental health in the past and is diabetic so of course I'm worried.

He has blocked me, the message I sent only has one grey tick and he doesn't have a profile picture or active status showing anymore. I sent the message on Saturday so he should've got it by now if I wasn't blocked.

When my dd started uni most of her friends were a few year older (most delayed uni due to covid). I never saw it as a threat or weird in any way. My dd also barely spoke to me when she started uni, I think she wanted to keep uni and home very separate, she did let me meet up with her for lunch occasionally but communicating with her via the phone or text was almost non existent. Give him some space, he’s starting the next chapter of his life and is finding his feet. You need to let him make his own mistakes even though it’s hard. Can you contact him through messenger or call him from a different number? Just let him know that your always there if he needs anything?

I think you are worried because he told you about his not controlling his sugars and is now ignoring you when you have gone to check in. It would make me anxious too. But I also know that when my lovely mum worried about me in a similar fashion, and then called me/ tried to a few times at 7:30/8am when I was hungover... I ignored her for a few weeks. Because I was an annoying 18-year-old. Mortified now. But at 18, I thought I was being super grown-up doing that. Of course, it just made my mum more anxious. But she left it be for a couple of weeks until I started being less of a selfish teenager.

At Uni I’d consistently remember to call my Mum way past her bedtime, it wasn’t a rupture..I was just busy both studying AND having fun. It’s normal to have reduced contact..maybe send a card asking if he can send you periodic texts a code between that all’s well maybe a flower or a tick…no need to chat just a signal between you ..so you can relax and be happy for him

Send him a letter, wishing well in his uni and relationship, or whatever comes from your heart, tell him you understand he is growing up and busy, etc and that you are there for when he wants to talk, add some gifts, food, etc.

Then, let him be. He is growing up; he certainly doesn’t need you to run after him every-time something happens; as he said he got company; hopefully his boyfriend/partner/friend is a good man.

Time to let him go; appreciate the transition is not easy.

It must be cool parents night tonight. I would be beside myself.

I think all you can do is drop him a line and keep your tone calm, but if he really has blocked you and that continues I would be thinking again before long tbh. Does he have any siblings and is he in contact with them? What about his father?

I know I'll get piled on for this, but is there any indication he might be trans? Or the friend? A hallmark of that community can be to provoke estrangement, a process that may have been unfolding for a while. Given he chose this uni to be with his online friend, I would be concerned he's been groomed.

Id be worried too. It looks like he has been groomed and cut off his family. Text book manipulation techniques to use on a naive young people. Text him and if he doesn’t reply contact uni.