DS moved to uni and blocked me

[BloomGeneral]

DS is 18, last year when still 17 he started talking to a boy, well man as he was 21. He said it was all platonic but I still felt off. Why would a 21 year old want to be friends with a 17yo? To make it worse, he was a streamer where he had a few thousand followers and DS was one of them originally which made the dynamic even worse tbh.

This was all online and I only found out when DS went to see him when his parents were away, he lied to me and said he was staying at a friends here, but she had no idea about it. Since then our relationship has become rocky, we used to have a good relationship, not extremely close but not distant either.

He applied to go to uni in the man’s city and got an unconditional offer (he also got offers at 2 other uni but obviously chose the first one).

He moved there about 2 weeks ago now and he hadn't really spoke to much, we spoke on the phone twice. The most recent time he was saying he felt unwell, he's diabetic and drank too much/misjudged his blood sugar or something along those lines (I don't know the full story), I asked if he wanted me to go there(about a 3.5 hour drive) and he said no it's fine X (the man) was with him.

DS hasn't ever come out as gay but I do suspect there could be some sort of relationship going on. He messaged me a few times since then, but not a lot. I asked how he was feeling and he said “fine” and I asked what he’d been up to and he said “stuff”. He hasn't replied to my message I sent on Saturday and I went to message again on WhatsApp and it hasn't sent and his profile pic has vanished. This means he's blocked me doesn't it? I haven't tried to ring him.

What the hell do I do?

Putting the son’s relationship and age aside, her son is diabetic and has not been in contact for 2 days now.

Please try to support rather than ask irrelevant questions of her, she’s understandably worried about her son as any parent would be.

Exactly. The welfare staff at universities would be trained on, and open-minded to poor family relationships including abuse or DV.

Staff will adopt a much more neutral position to be there for students.

They aren’t going to make loaded comments such as “enlighten him that going incommunicado when you have health issues is a bad idea, quite apart from it being very unkind.” or “pass on the message that you understand he wants privacy, but you do need even a one word message every now and then saying he's OK.” That could potentially place him in a worse predicament, when he’s a grown adult and capable of making the decision to reduce contact with OP. Your suggestions are poor @DuckbilledSplatterPuff - the university aren’t there to do OP’s bidding. I’m surprised you think the university would attempt to lecture him in that manner.

I don't think she meant that.
They can welfare check and if found with concerns there is a legal duty to inform parents.
Our local university a student with diabetes was found 3 weeks after he had passed away in his bed.
A friend's husband was the paramedic attending after the university noticed flies. Of course a parent can ask for a welfare check. And police absolutely do inform those with PR any concerns. As they are assumed next of kin.
I think to get hung up on the rest is to ignore a child is at university their phone has gone dead, no communication with parents, no falling out o tonly assumptions. They have mental health issues and are diabetic.
Did anyone do safeguarding training?

There’s no legal obligation to tell the parents anything. Nobody has parental responsibility for an 18yo adult. The police would not talk to the parents unless given permission or deceased, same as the uni. Of course a parent can ask for a welfare check and the university would normally act on this.

They are next of kin. Sorry are you trying to say if an adult or yp is found to be ill, missing or have passed away...there is no right to inform.
Yes you can do a welfare check find a student is ok, and if they decide establish that the individual is able to consent to the parent, next of kin knowing.
But yes if you find a student is being abused, has not returned you have a duty to report and guess what ..next of kin would definitely be alerted.
You need to go on a safeguarding adults course if you found a yp was not in a safe situation but you decided to not pass this on.
Noone is saying if Mum is being abusive unsupportive and he doesn't want her to know that you would get on the phone to Mum.
We are saying a statutory welfare check, not whatever you take that to mean. Mum could call police and you would have to oblige with them sorry. He has mental health and diabetes.
It's not gossiping with Mum it's is establishing is this young vulnerable person ok.

There is an obligation. I'm sorry. If a student is found perished you are saying there is no obligation to inform their next of kin. ?

That would be for the police etc to do. The student may or may not have provided next of kin details in case of accident etc.

@TFICoffeetime you’re missing the point and are conflating different things. Your reading comprehension is very poor.

If the university check on him, and he says that he is okay and that made the decision to reduce contact with his family due to their behaviour - any welfare check that OP is involved in ends there. If he does not consent for information to be shared with OP, information will not be shared with OP.

Estranged parents can’t use and abuse welfare checks in a way to force adults who don’t want anything to do with them, to have something to do with them. Universities, police, medical professionals etc would all be aware of this. Regardless of parental relationship it is breach of GDPR to divulge information to OP. People can be abused by their own parents, you know.

It is a completely different situation if he’s found dead or perished - but honestly what information has OP shared to indicate he is dying? I think your post has only served to confuse and worry her about death. The reality is a relationship breakdown is more apt, and the university would treat it as such.

Er...We are saying the same thing.
She has raised concern about diabetes and having been laid ill because of it. I will have to reread but as someone who knows how serious diabetes is and having to get used to it with people drinking, away from home from the first time and mental health too - I did take from that that the priority in this scenario is that someone checks on this young adult and checks he is medically ok.
I'd worry that a university staff members would be saying probably ok, happens all the time, he's fine, living his life.
I would 100% expect universities to enact duty of care here. Whether a policy is to report back to a parent or not doesn't not get round duty to check on their welfare.
When my nephew "went missing" at university (he was just having a good time) his girlfriend called police. They located him safe and well (as you can imagine very embarrassed). His parents were informed of the outcome and no further than that - but he was safe and well. Any further speak to son. His girlfriend was found to be controlling and guess what the police were amazing and the university staff.
I'm struggling get behind this he's an adult, we get this all the time you've missed posts were she is extremely worried. Isn't the first thing that should be done is to establish this young persons safety.

Also @TFICoffeetime “next of kin” is by consent. There is no formal “next of kin” register either. The police might check his emergency contact on his phone. The university might check his emergency contact on their system. In both scenarios, the emergency contact is who he set up.

Have you heard of estrangement before? It would be a huge overstep for the police or for universities to assume who an adult’s next of kin is, and to assume there is a good relationship there for that person to be informed. It’s not that unusual for university students to distance themselves from parents and to not use them as emergency contacts.

You are simultaneously infantising an adult by treating him as if he’s under 18, and assuming he doesn’t have the agency to distance himself from his parents if he wishes. In the situation where someone is being abused by parents/family/partners, are you essentially saying there’s no way for them to distance themselves from their abusers?

You've also assumed the Mum is abusive. What if he was checked on & actually shared he's not feeling ok. He feels overwhelmed. Maybe checking on welfare is exactly what universities should do.
I do think saying to a Mum worried to go and check on your child is a good thing. Not sure in what context that is ever a bad thing.

You are making a lot of assumptions. The parent has not said they are estranged.
Baffling to me that you are criticising a parent's concern or coming up with theories rather than offering advice to parent or compassionately communicating what a university can or cannot do. You have come on here to argue and get indignant.
I don't find this helpful.
OP I hope your child is ok...I would 100% be driving to see him if I was you. You need to establish how he is physically and emotionally.

It doesn’t matter TFI. If a welfare check is carried out, regardless of the outcome the university cannot inform parents unless he gives consent.

the university has a duty of care & many will ask students to consent to sharing information with what is known as a “trusted contact” in certain situations but consent has to have been given. The student chooses who their trusted contacts are.

For what it’s worth, I’ve been in the situation where my child who was having mental health issues, went no contact. She wasn’t at university she was employed but living 200 miles away. Her employer would not have been able to communicate with me.

You've assumed welfare check means informing. But no actual answer that one should be undertaken.
I don't see how you're arguing about people's grammar or spurious details of what as an employer or university can share...how about saying to another Mum, I hope your child is ok. You work in "universities" and in student welfare. So rather than getting into disagreement with someone who hasn't disagreed with "consent" and who isn't the OP...just say something of useful comment to the OP.

You are mistaking me for someone else. I have never mentioned grammar.

Parents can absolutely ask for a welfare check. But you stated that the university had a duty of care to inform the parent if the student was seriously mentally or physically ill & that is incorrect without consent.

not really, probably sick of helicopter mum and finally got some freedom away from all the prying

Look, this is hypocritical - you mentioned death various times. I don’t think that was helpful for OP, and neither is setting her expectations that the impossible will happen.

If the university is asked to undertake a welfare check, they will remain totally impartial to the requestor. They would not wait for OP to say she’s estranged before doing so, as estranged parents rarely accept to that being the reason behind no contact - hence why the university will not divulge information to her by default. I’m not sure why you keep arguing against this. It doesn’t matter how genuine or upset the requestor seems, the university has a duty towards the student to protect their data in the first instance.

Hence, you can request a check is carried out but you will not necessarily receive an outcome. Every organisation takes that approach by default. I will not comment further on this.

That’s not what I’m saying. I specifically said if a student was deceased the parents would be informed But not for other reasons such as “being abused “ without getting permission from the student. I’m a university lecturer and personal tutor. I know what I can and can’t do perfectly well. I literally deal with situations like this.

You know, the more you post, the more I think that maybe this is nothing to do with having a boyfriend or being in a toxic relationship. Just another option to ponder, but they met via a common interest (gaming), your DS contacted a young streamer to chat about whatever game and they got together probably to play games and talk about them. You say he chose a university based on his friend BUT it can also just be that this friend has a gaming community already established there, the degree he wants is being offered in this city, and he has the benefit of having already a network of support there. Why not? I would also choose that way. It would be different if your DS chose something he had no interest on just because this mate was there. Is it a big city? That might have an appeal. There might be gaming events, Comic Cons and expos that they are interested in. When I was a bit older than your DS, I made friends online through a common interest and went to live with them in a different city. I felt I was making my own decisions and that even if I got things wrong, nothing major would happen and I could always return to my hometown. My mum didn't fully express her disagreement but it was so obvious! The lack of engagement with anything that excited me showed that she didn't approve and that was enough for me to distance myself because I didn't need or want her judgement. I just needed to grow up and assert myself. Give him space, send him supplies, ask if he's having fun and if he ever starts chatting about his interests or his friend, pretend to show genuine interest and approval, if only so he opens up a bit more and starts sharing. It might not be the same, it might not be like this, but it's an option to consider. I think the relationship is a red herring unless you really have something else other than they are spending time together.

Any news OP did you call the uni?

If you read the thread you will see that the decision to go to this city was made based on this man being. The relationship started on line as a follower of the older man as a 16 year old. This is the first time the son has been away from home, then the son has a diabetic management issue due to drinking and then has gone completely non contact.
If you are a parent and thinks that is not something to be concerned about then I wonder what would concern you.
All this 'leave him alone he is an adult', 'I never phoned my mum when I was at uni' are missing the specific circumstances. There's no problem with having older friends, or even not contacting home for a while if you are having new experiences if you are starting university, and yes you are an adult at 18 years but you are still deleloping and need support where appropriate. It's the combination of circumstances here that are the concern.
I find it hard to believe all those that say it's no big deal would actually think that if it was their son, I hope they wouldn't anyway.

I think some ppl on here are being pretty horrible and judgey OP. I have lots of safeguarding experience as a MH professional and as the mother of a queer 17yr I would be very suspicious if they developed this intense a relationship with a 21 yr old. That's a huge gap at their age. I'm a nurse, so the blood sugars are also a worry OP.
If he's blocked you, it's definitely worth contacting the uni, empathising his Type 1 diabetes and vulnerability in this age gap relationship and ask them for advice.
I'm so sorry you're having such a stressful time and I hope you have friends to discuss this with.

The posts from the university employee going on about next of kin and consent to tell anyone anything are not unexpected but still depressing. Can't tell you anything, don't infantilise an 18 year old, estranged families, data protection bla bla. Responses default to what can not be done and stretches about dysfunctional families and homophobia, when there is no evidence of this.
Why not go against your ingrained culture of your Institution and actually try and be of some use and reassurance. Maybe tell the OP that a welfare visit can be carried out and if he is in crisis we will point him towards supports and Services and we will advise him to be in contact with a trusted adult. Maybe reassure OP that someone will be on contact and it won't just be left.
You can do that without breaking GDPR or making judgement on the family relationship or going through the laws on consent and next of kin.

You’re suffocating him. I’d have hated that at 15 never mind 17! Age gap isn’t horrendous and perfectly legal. Sorry you’re struggling with your child flying the nest but let him free.