DS moved to uni and blocked me

[BloomGeneral]

DS is 18, last year when still 17 he started talking to a boy, well man as he was 21. He said it was all platonic but I still felt off. Why would a 21 year old want to be friends with a 17yo? To make it worse, he was a streamer where he had a few thousand followers and DS was one of them originally which made the dynamic even worse tbh.

This was all online and I only found out when DS went to see him when his parents were away, he lied to me and said he was staying at a friends here, but she had no idea about it. Since then our relationship has become rocky, we used to have a good relationship, not extremely close but not distant either.

He applied to go to uni in the man’s city and got an unconditional offer (he also got offers at 2 other uni but obviously chose the first one).

He moved there about 2 weeks ago now and he hadn't really spoke to much, we spoke on the phone twice. The most recent time he was saying he felt unwell, he's diabetic and drank too much/misjudged his blood sugar or something along those lines (I don't know the full story), I asked if he wanted me to go there(about a 3.5 hour drive) and he said no it's fine X (the man) was with him.

DS hasn't ever come out as gay but I do suspect there could be some sort of relationship going on. He messaged me a few times since then, but not a lot. I asked how he was feeling and he said “fine” and I asked what he’d been up to and he said “stuff”. He hasn't replied to my message I sent on Saturday and I went to message again on WhatsApp and it hasn't sent and his profile pic has vanished. This means he's blocked me doesn't it? I haven't tried to ring him.

What the hell do I do?

He had to lie about going to see this guy because he knew that for some reason you didn’t approve. Then you wonder why he’s annoyed with you! You’re either naive or in denial if you can’t fathom whether they’re more than platonic friends or not. What’s wrong with a 4 year age gap anyway? Does it bother you that he’s probably gay? Have you spoken to his father or anyone else about it?

The blood sugars incident was over a week ago, and he said no to me going because he was with the friend/bf, then I messaged him the next day and he gave me short answers as I said in the OP, I didn't say anything about the friend on the call. I told him to be more careful and to take it easy. So I have no idea why he was being short with me and now I'm blocked

He's 18 now - OP said he was 17 last year when he first met this guy. The university will not be able to do a 'welfare check' as we are not legally allowed to report back on 18 year olds to their parents unless the student has given permission for that. He's a legal adult. We know this can be a source of genuine distress for parents - especially if they contact us directly - but people need to know what the university's position is and why.

Or having a great time and enjoying his freedom?

My feeling is he wants some freedom, maybe to be sexual with this guy and he senses your disapproval. At 21 the guy is hardly a sugardaddy. Yes your DS may fall flat on his face, we’ve all had painful early relationships, it’s part of becoming adult. If you have real worries about the drinking and diabetes I would say that is more pertinent. Can you re open a dialogue around that when you eventually re connect? But don’t make it about the 21 year old, would be my advice.

I'd be worried as well. You haven't had a falling out, he told you he hasn't been feeling well, he's a diabetic ( presumably type 1) and has probably been drinking more than he is used to.
Of course a young adult living away from home will be busy enjoying life and the independence. But his medical condition does add an extra source of anxiety for you.
How often are you messaging him? If it's every day , it's safe to say you should scale that back. But if it's once a week I don't think thats unreasonable. It takes one minute to send a WhatsApp. He'll probably be in touch when he wants some money.

This, why does mn always go first to big dramatic scenarios it is not tv land

I don’t get it, 18+ 22 is fine 🤷‍♀️ male or female

Is there a counselling/wellbeing department at the university? If so, maybe ask them to do a welfare check on DS - they can’t make him contact you, but should be able to let you know that he is safe and well. I feel for you, it’s a worry when young adults leave home for the first time, especially with a health condition. Hope you are able to get some information.

Is there any chance he’d think you have a problem with him being gay?

I kind of agree with both sides. He is in uni, living his own life but it's still perfectly natural for you to be concerned.

I think I would leave him alone, but contact Student Services and ask if they could double check he is ok. You could ask them to be discreet and not mention you. Once you know he is alive and well, then you could drop him a card in the post, with an upbeat message, nothing recriminatory or asking questions.

I get where you are coming from OP a lot of these streamers are toxic and aggressive. Let alone the stuff they can turn their followers against when they want to.

of course you are concerned. Tread gently gently. Give it a week and then call him, does he have any sibling or his dad that he could still be in contact with?

There's really nothing wrong with this age gap though op. He's 17 .... Presumably nearly 18 if he's just started uni. He's an adult. I don't see the problem with it.

Oh, just seem he's 18. 18 and in a relationship with a 22 year old. That's ok, no?!

I've got a teen with a medical condition (not diabetes) who's just gone off to uni, OP, and I can completely understand why you're worried. I think a lot of PPs seem not to understand how severe and worrying uncontrolled diabetes can be, especially when you throw alcohol into the mix (and that's without any potentially worrying relationships).

So completely understandable you are worried. I'm not sure what you do though. Just wanted to post something supportive as I think you're getting a hard time.

Surely you have an alternative means of contacting him other than WhatsApp? You can call or text him?

I would just send a care package with some treats in it and wait for him to contact you again.

Can your son's father or a friend get intouch with him to check he is OK? Once you know he is OK you can relax a bit and work out a way to rebuild your relationship.

This is the best advice I have seen so far, with a son of a similar age, who is also exploring their sexuality and life. I send funnies- eg pet photos, weird articles, commentary on what I have been doing. I add in then about the serious stuff. Mine compartmentalises between me and his dad. So easy then, then I get the download when he comes home. Its tricky.

So you’d just be skipping down the street if your 17 year old daughter started hanging out with a 21 year old man she met online? Why is this any different.

This is a bit much op, I mean seriously a 17 year old child, he’s a minor at 17, not a child, and having a friendship or relationship with a 21 year old, irrelevant of the genders is completely fine, nor is there a power imbalance as he follows him,

ypu come across as intense, disapproving, and controlling. So yes, I suspect he has blocked you. We need to teach our children and let them grow, not control and dictate, and if you do do that, then when they get the first taste of freedom, they run and don’t look back.

email him and basically say sorry if you’ve been overbearing, hope he’s loving uni and chat soon,

The fact they met initially on line is irrelevant, they now know each other in real life, and yes I’d be fine with my daughter dating a 21 year old.

I’ll be honest and yes I would be worried. More because of his (presumably) type 1 diabetes though. You need to know he’s ok. Can you ring him rather than WhatsApp? Or text telling him if he doesn’t let you know he’s ok, you will be asking the uni to do a welfare check? And I’d do that if needed. But again I stress this is only because of the diabetes. The relationship/ friendship is another worry but I would park that for now.

I'm sorry you're getting a hard time OP. Clearly the understanding of the complexities of parenting a teen with Type 1 is not understood on here. It's not like parenting a healthy teen. The Type 1 concern with young adults is real as they can be at great risk when they take over control of their own management. Alcohol, misjudged calculations and insulin doses can lead to dangerous situations and sadly fatalities happen. I hear you OP.

They won't be able to do this - not even to say 'yes he's fine' without his permission. As I said above, he's a legal adult and has a right to privacy. That is upsetting when you're a concerned parent, I know. It's also on rare occasions for good reason. I know of situations where parents who are estranged from their kids, ex partners who have restraining orders against them and the like, have rung up and asked for information about someone who they have a history of abusing. I know that won't be the case in the vast majority of cases but it does happen.

Does your son have an income, if he has blocked you presume he could run out of money