DS moved to uni and blocked me

[BloomGeneral]

DS is 18, last year when still 17 he started talking to a boy, well man as he was 21. He said it was all platonic but I still felt off. Why would a 21 year old want to be friends with a 17yo? To make it worse, he was a streamer where he had a few thousand followers and DS was one of them originally which made the dynamic even worse tbh.

This was all online and I only found out when DS went to see him when his parents were away, he lied to me and said he was staying at a friends here, but she had no idea about it. Since then our relationship has become rocky, we used to have a good relationship, not extremely close but not distant either.

He applied to go to uni in the man’s city and got an unconditional offer (he also got offers at 2 other uni but obviously chose the first one).

He moved there about 2 weeks ago now and he hadn't really spoke to much, we spoke on the phone twice. The most recent time he was saying he felt unwell, he's diabetic and drank too much/misjudged his blood sugar or something along those lines (I don't know the full story), I asked if he wanted me to go there(about a 3.5 hour drive) and he said no it's fine X (the man) was with him.

DS hasn't ever come out as gay but I do suspect there could be some sort of relationship going on. He messaged me a few times since then, but not a lot. I asked how he was feeling and he said “fine” and I asked what he’d been up to and he said “stuff”. He hasn't replied to my message I sent on Saturday and I went to message again on WhatsApp and it hasn't sent and his profile pic has vanished. This means he's blocked me doesn't it? I haven't tried to ring him.

What the hell do I do?

But none of his friends he made had moved to be at his university and did the friends he made then block contact with their family. I would suggest not.
It's not the same what so ever. And you can not convince me a 22 year old interested in a sexual relationship with your 16 year old friend is anything other than a deviant predator, irrespective what decade it happened in.

Sorry if I’ve missed it but have you phoned your son??

I can tell you really don’t approve of his friendship (I genuinely don’t think the age gap is too much or an issue) but I think you need to really try not to say/insinuate anything at all about it because that may push him further away.

x

Groomed while still a child.

My friend actually dated a 22 year old at 16 (and he was in a minor local band so I guess you could say she was a fan and there was a power imbalance) she got in contact with him first. I know times have changed since then but no one batted an eyelid. I did used to joke with another friend about the 6 year age gap, but it was mainly because I was jealous.

Was his name Ian Watkins?

OP as a general point, on MN, on the morning of their 18th birthday, your child is fully grown up. You are not allowed to worry about them or give them advice. You can’t be involved in their lives as that is controlling. You shouldn't let them live at home again, unless you charge them rent. If they want advice on finding a job or further studies, keep quiet as they are adults. Don’t dare ask anyone for advice on their behalf as that would be babying them.

Obviously I don’t subscribe to that. And neither does anyone I know. Ignore the Kool Mumz on here. It’s ok to worry and care. And very very normal. I hope he gets in touch soon.

Op, I would travel up to see him if it's not too far, I'm probably in the minority but seeing as he has only just left, struggled managing the diabetes the day before, 4/5 days without a text or call & your messages not going through would be enough for me to contact the uni or visit. He could of lost his phone.
My thinking is, even if he thinks you going up there/contacting the uni halls is too much, he will know you got him & will check in with him if needed. Hopefully all is good, then you can just get him & his friend lunch
It's so hard to find that balance & everyone parents differently

I don’t think the age gap is a particular concern. Does your son think you don’t accept that he is gay? I would however be worried that he has blocked you. I would not hassle him but I would send an email with an explanation. It sounds like he is in a relationship and you need to try and support him. I wonder if he sees uni as freedom to live life how he chooses.

Trust your gut, if something feels off try and get hold of your son especially as he has medical condition

Any chance he doesn’t know you’re blocked? Could the partner have picked up his phone and blocked you? If this is out of character and if your gut thinks something is wrong, I’d be getting someone else’s phone and calling him or asking someone else (his dad?sibling?) to call to see if he picks up.

I think you need to give him space. If you don’t give your children space when they need it… it either really messes them, and your relationship up, or they find a way to take the space. I’d send a card.. with a short message … let him know you’re there but you see he needs some space right now.

We don't know this man has told him to block contact, it might have nothing to do with him. The son might "only" be 18 but he has his own mind. Otherwise why do we let 18 year olds go off to uni at all? I was far too young at that age to move to uni. I actually stayed at home. But obviously it's fine for the vast majority, we're all different.

I'm not trying to convince you of anything-I certainly think it was an eyebrow raising relationship looking back. Have no idea what my friend thinks of it now as we're not in touch anymore. I'm amazed her parents allowed it actually.

Unfortunately it was very common. Another classmate was dating another guy in the band (also early 20s) we didn't think anything of it at the time. 16 was seen as the age of consent so that was that 😬another friend said she slept with a 30 year old married guy at 17. Attitudes to this sort of thing have changed hugely in the past 20yrs thank god.

This.
My best friend came out at university. His parents never addressed that they thought he was gay. He went through absolute trauma feeling rejected. And suicidal. I may add his parents were never against his sexuality but never addressed it & he couldn't tell them out of fear they would reject him.
First thing to do is address you think that he might be gay & if he is that you love him just the same. You are proud of him. Don't even mention this other guy. If he is toxic then you are pushing him further at risk. Open up to your son about his sexuality, give him space to feel loved and not judged. If this is how you are reacting saying to stay away, he probably feels you are judging his sexuality and rejecting him.
Accept & show love. Earn his trust back. Once he's open with you, he will share. You are more likely to have honest dialogue where he values your opinion.
I have a child who is gay. Nowhere near university age yet but I guessed and we are so open. I'm really thankful I brought it up. It means they have never had to come out, & I am there to support in anyway.
If I hadn't gone to university and seen my close friend struggle, I never would have known how much shame someone can feel when they have lived their entire life not being known as their true self. Be open with him. Show him love & he will feel seen. If it was my child I would arrange to meet up for tea out, go to him. Make him feel loved & accepted & get your relationship back on track.
Hope this helps. You clearly love & adore your son. Sometimes we take for granted they will understand that. But he's probably dealing with a lot. A hug from Mum is always a good thing. I really hope you can work this out.

At 17 you can leave home and learn to drive. I wouldn’t class it as grooming unless the guy was significantly older. 18/21 is not much.

I have tried ringing him but it doesn't even ring. I haven't said anything homophobic no, a few years ago when he was 14/15 I told him i’d love him no matter what etc if he was gay or straight and he said he wasn't gay and that was the end of the conversation.

His dad did say homophobic things casually (amongst other things, hence why he's an ex)

I think if you are really worried about him.
Worried about his mental health & his phone not ringing you need to check he is actually ok.
He's still a young adult, in a new environment & he might not be doing ok. University is a completely new environment & you need to ensure that he is ok.
You can do this in the least fuss way but I would be in the car, all students appreciate bank of Mum. Take him out for a meal, say you just wanted to see him, missed him, loads up his fridge or take him for a Costa. You do need to know he is ok. He might have lost his phone but if it isn't even ringing you don't actually know he doesn't want to see you. He might really appreciate some time with you.

17 isn't a child! 17 is a young adult!

5000 followers is nothing! My stepson reviewed a bag of crisps on you tube and got 10k followers!
There is no power imbalance at all!

I would not accept having no contact with him. Can students services contact him and say that you need a phone call or message via student services, and if not you have no choice but to go and visit. It’s normal courtesy to communicate with your mum under the circumstances. If he’s blocking you he should let you know it first!

Also you can set up an emergency alert on his phone that is triggered on your phone if he goes to the local hospital. This could really help your anxiety re his T1D while he is at Uni. With his agreement obviously.

Hope you get hold of him soon OP.

I think the relationship/age gap is irrelevant. I would be worried about his T1D and that he is taking care of himself. Is there anyone else you can contact from his halls?

Pls update us OP
A colleague I used to work with she went to uni with a guy who had diabetes. Noone had seen him. It was reported & when a welfare check done he had passed away in his room.
Found him a week later. He was a surfer & all her friends got tattoos of waves in remembrance. She felt really guilty, became close with his Mum, who also suffered guilt. Awful story and I say it because if you are worried & your gut is saying something is off. You should demand a welfare check. And try see him yourself. If he's just having a great time he's not going to begrudge you checking on him & may see how much you do love him. This is hard for any parent but being worried as you are about his physical and mental health - you need to act asap & establish he is ok. Pls let us know how you get on. I really hope he is ok. Everything else can be sorted out after that.

Trust your gut, you’re his mum. If it feels off then it feels off. Gay men can be coercively controlled too, if this was your daughter I think posters would be telling you something different here. The secrecy would be a concern for me, I have gay friends who took a while to come out but they didn’t block their parents in the process.

Read all your replies OP and I’ve been flipping between thinking you’re over bearing and then completely agreeing that I would be the same in worrying.

I think personally your concern around age gap/life experience/him finishing Uni isn’t really the issue you’re concerned about. If his friend/bf is a gamer I highly doubt he’s some sort mature mastermind manipulating your son….to do what exactly? He’s probably finished Uni and sat at home gaming all day. Worst case your son isn’t actually going to Uni and is just hanging about with him. Perhaps that’s why he’s gone radio silent?

I however don’t think him deleting you is normal and I don’t think a text Saturday and then a second one Wednesday is too much at all! He doesn’t know you’re at a home worrying as you are.

Given his health I would be inclined to ask the Uni to do a welfare check. If he is ok then I would probably then leave it and accept that right now, for whatever reason he doesn’t wish to engage. Is he due to return home for any period soon?

I would be worried by the removal and blocking if this happened to me all because of 2 messages.

Why don’t you trust your son to know what he’s doing? And why would you expect to talk to your kid more than once a week when they are at uni?

Have you ever asked if your son is in a relationship with this 21 year old- in a kindly way of course? Your son might be worried about coming out to you.

Have you checked that he actually enrolled onto the university course? Contact the university and see if there is any way they will tell you if he is actually attending lectures, seminars, practicals etc. I mention this as a very good friend of mine was shocked to discover that his son had actually failed exams one year, and had continued to live off what the parents were contributing, while working in a sandwich bar... he had been doing this for nearly 2 years when they found out. Hopefully this isn't the case but if he's not communicating openly with you, and you are supporting him financially, I think you have every right to want to check on his situation... and also to be concerned about his welfare.