DS moved to uni and blocked me

[BloomGeneral]

DS is 18, last year when still 17 he started talking to a boy, well man as he was 21. He said it was all platonic but I still felt off. Why would a 21 year old want to be friends with a 17yo? To make it worse, he was a streamer where he had a few thousand followers and DS was one of them originally which made the dynamic even worse tbh.

This was all online and I only found out when DS went to see him when his parents were away, he lied to me and said he was staying at a friends here, but she had no idea about it. Since then our relationship has become rocky, we used to have a good relationship, not extremely close but not distant either.

He applied to go to uni in the man’s city and got an unconditional offer (he also got offers at 2 other uni but obviously chose the first one).

He moved there about 2 weeks ago now and he hadn't really spoke to much, we spoke on the phone twice. The most recent time he was saying he felt unwell, he's diabetic and drank too much/misjudged his blood sugar or something along those lines (I don't know the full story), I asked if he wanted me to go there(about a 3.5 hour drive) and he said no it's fine X (the man) was with him.

DS hasn't ever come out as gay but I do suspect there could be some sort of relationship going on. He messaged me a few times since then, but not a lot. I asked how he was feeling and he said “fine” and I asked what he’d been up to and he said “stuff”. He hasn't replied to my message I sent on Saturday and I went to message again on WhatsApp and it hasn't sent and his profile pic has vanished. This means he's blocked me doesn't it? I haven't tried to ring him.

What the hell do I do?

They cannot divulge this information unless the student has recorded third party consent for the Uni to discuss these particular enquiries. They can do a welfare check on the student though, if the caller believes they are at serious risk of harm to themselves or others

I am going to phone the uni today. I don't think it's that he's scared to come out or scared I won't accept him. One of my friends son didn't come out exactly, he just brought his boyfriend home one day as he would've a gf so that could be what DS is doing.

Call them now as early as possible..more chance of knowing where he is. X
They have duty care to do welfare check.

Definitely call them before the weekend. The earlier the better on a Friday!

I am sorry you are going through this. I totally get you as my DSS was diagnosed at 16 and is now 24. We still check in with him especially if he’s unwell. I had to wean myself off always asking about his levels and trust that he’s got it. Maybe explain that you would like the odd bit of reassurance with just the diabetes. As for the relationship stuff we don’t get to choose so it’s better to remain as neutral as possible.

This. Our son is now 22. Has friends from 18 to 30ish. Mostly through work. Nothing odd about that at all.

Will you accept him?

I've already answered this multiple times. Maybe read my replies before commenting.

She is accepting of his sexuality if he is gay.
However she is worried about his contact & his phone not ringing. I think she is worried sick and needs to check on his welfare first. He had diabetes and some mh concerns. She is worried sick about him.

I hope you get reassurance from uni today, OP.

I don’t know why you’re getting some dickish responses @BloomGeneralbecause of course you’re worried! Especially because of the diabetes. I think calling the uni is sensible and I hope you get some reassurance soon.

My son's friend who is 21 is living with his girlfriend who only turned 18 a few months ago. It is a perfectly fine age gap.

Anyone under the age of 18 with someone in thier late 20's/30's is icky and there is a definite power imbalance but 17 and 21 is perfectly normal.

Maybe he is uncomfortable talking about his sexuality- not necessarily down to anything you’ve done maybe it’s new to him and he’s processing it all and it’s overwhelming?

this probably isn’t black and white - he is finding you a bit overbearing and shutting you out while he figures things out; whereas you’re feeling cut off and worried for his wellbeing. It’s not about someone being right or wrong, your feelings are valid.

I’d be very careful about contacting the uni etc as it could all blow up against you. Perhaps you could agree a set time for you two to talk, or agree he will turn his location on just so you can see he is ok etc. but for now I think you need to just wait and hope he eventually unblocks you. Especially if you’re financing things, at some point he’s going to need you and will come back!

I hope all is well OP. I speak as someone who had a yp at uni with depression and thr sick feeling of worry is something else. I did get security to check on mine onec and also if your son is a gamer you can get other people who play to see if he has been active on whatever platform.

Aren’t you a child in law until you reach 18? Even though you can go to war etc at 16!

Only for certain things. UK law recognises that the process to adulthood is a more gradual process and so whilst 18 is the age you legally become an adult as long as a young person has capacity they can make various decisions from the age of 16 onwards. This includes consenting to sex, leaving home and choosing thier own place of education or work.

I would give it a week and then call him for a chat. If it doesn’t go through email him and just say ‘hi darling, your WhatsApp doesn’t seem to be working, just reaching out to say I love you and hope you’re having fun, let me know you’re safe when you get this!’
and then if no response ask the uni accommodation to do a welfare check.

Might it be worth reaching out to the friend on social media? Nothing heavy, just say a bit worried by the diabetes and checking son knows he can speak to you any time, maybe invite him to lunch along with you and your son one weekend?
for better or worse he is obviously someone who your son cares for deeply, I think you will catch more flies with honey with this one.

I think 17 and 21 isnt a huge age gap. And i suspect your DS is either gay or sees this man as someone to aspire too. Especially as they have a hobby in common.

I suspect they way you refer to his friend/bf as some "man" when there could be as little as 2.5years between them. And tbh offering to drive 3.5 hours because he felt unwell may have come across as stiffling. Your OP came across like you see DS as a little boy. And if he is gay he clearly feels he can't be honest with you.

I do think blocking is a big sign of putting distance between you. Id try reaching out via letter or email, telling him you can see hes blocked you and want to know if you've upset him and what does he need from you. Best of luck

Noooooo do not do this. I’d be absolutely mortified if my parent did this!

You say you haven't said anything but I'm certain your disapproval is more than palpable to him. Four years is nothing of an age gap, you keep going on about your fixation on there being a power imbalance but just because he's a streamer with followers doesn't mean anything.

What exactly do you imagine is happening?

I'm amazed at how many people are saying leave him be. When he hasn't told you he wants space. It's because his mobile is not ringing it's assumed he's blocked.
If I had a child just gone to uni with mental health issues and diabetes and his phone suddenly isn't working and no messages as usual...I would be checking on him and knowing he was ok. Welfare checks can be undertaken on any person of any age. This is a young adult. OP please let us know he is alive & well. I think if he was female, people would be wanting you to check he is ok.
Nothing is more important than knowing he is actually ok. Parenting tips can wait til then surely.

100 per cent agree with the above.

You've asked student services to check on him..

So he can either have a tantrum and say I blocked you... but at least you'd know he was OK.

Or He really needed the welfare check ( in which case you'd be kicking yourself if you didn't do it.

The welfare check people might enlighten him that going incommunicado when you have health issues is a bad idea, quite apart from it being very unkind.

You could also say to them to pass on the message that you understand he wants privacy, but you do need even a one word message every now and then saying he's OK.

I hope he is OK OP and its just a mix up. x

People are being so obtuse about the age gap. It's not literally about the 3-4 years between them. I'm autistic and even I can see that.

This isn't a friend he knows from home with a shared hobby who happens to be a few years older. The point is that this is a friendship he formed online with a complete stranger when he was 16 and they were an adult, who he then met up with secretly, having told his mum he was elsewhere, and who he's become so enthralled by that he chose his uni based on a desire to be with them. In his first few weeks at uni, when everyone here seems to agree he should be out meeting people and having fun, he's spending his time with this man instead. By any measure, this isn't a relationship/friendship that has got off to a healthy start. His ability to make friends and get to grips with his course are probably both suffering, he's neglecting his health needs and now he's blocked his mother on his phone (assuming it was him who did that).

No normal parent would find this unconcerning in reality.

The staff at Uni wouldn’t really make a comment along those lines, but would rather just do the welfare check itself and ensure the student is okay - at uni it’s very much, these students are adults and treated as such and given full autonomy - unless of course the welfare check makes it obvious they are in no fit state etc

Ive replied to a few posts on this thread re uni processes/welfare checks and I hope nothing I say comes across the wrong way, it’s just that I work in student support services at a HE provider so have some understanding of what goes on. To add, OP @BloomGeneral I hope you’re feeling okay because you’re bound to be worried at this stage. I deal with lots of parents worrying about students but equally, some are genuine situations and now I’m a mum myself I can completely empathise