DS moved to uni and blocked me

[BloomGeneral]

DS is 18, last year when still 17 he started talking to a boy, well man as he was 21. He said it was all platonic but I still felt off. Why would a 21 year old want to be friends with a 17yo? To make it worse, he was a streamer where he had a few thousand followers and DS was one of them originally which made the dynamic even worse tbh.

This was all online and I only found out when DS went to see him when his parents were away, he lied to me and said he was staying at a friends here, but she had no idea about it. Since then our relationship has become rocky, we used to have a good relationship, not extremely close but not distant either.

He applied to go to uni in the man’s city and got an unconditional offer (he also got offers at 2 other uni but obviously chose the first one).

He moved there about 2 weeks ago now and he hadn't really spoke to much, we spoke on the phone twice. The most recent time he was saying he felt unwell, he's diabetic and drank too much/misjudged his blood sugar or something along those lines (I don't know the full story), I asked if he wanted me to go there(about a 3.5 hour drive) and he said no it's fine X (the man) was with him.

DS hasn't ever come out as gay but I do suspect there could be some sort of relationship going on. He messaged me a few times since then, but not a lot. I asked how he was feeling and he said “fine” and I asked what he’d been up to and he said “stuff”. He hasn't replied to my message I sent on Saturday and I went to message again on WhatsApp and it hasn't sent and his profile pic has vanished. This means he's blocked me doesn't it? I haven't tried to ring him.

What the hell do I do?

Aw this is MN gold isn't it - if you're worried about your young person when they are away from home you are some sort of fucking freak. I remember when I was worried about my DD when she left home I was told on here that if she was dead there was nothing I could do anyway, so why worry; I needed to see a doctor, I was abusive and maybe I should be reported to social services. I told DD she was like WTAF are these people on?

OP I'd be worried too - is there another relative or friend that could reach out instead?

When I was 17, my boyfriend was 28, so what's 4 years?

Yikes!

looking back how do you feel about that?

I was dating at 24 year old at 17 and looking back can see how controlling and inappropriate it all was. At the time I thought he was fabulous because he had a car and plenty money!

Send the card with love. Say youre around whenever he needs you. And then leave him alone! Chew your nails Wait. Let him enjoy his big venture into the world. He needs to learn by his own mistakes or successes.

I find it concerning that you would even ask that. Do you even remember what it was like to be that age??

There is a substantial gap between a 21 and 17 year old. When I was 21, we would have seen it as very odd that someone would want to be around 17 year olds.

If this guy is living with his parents what’s the concern? Do you think they’re all grooming him?

Some posters still can't read all my posts it seems or you just want to be judgment. I'm not messaging him constantly or even checked he’d seen the messages constantly. I messaged him Saturday and he didn't reply so I went to message him again yesterday (Wednesday) that's not constant. If it were I would've messaged him again on Sunday. I haven't talked badly of the man apart from when they first met as I wasn't comfortable with it, and I told him to pick uni for himself not other people (surely that's reasonable?!) I must've repeated myself many times by now.

He still hasn't replied to my message I sent on normal messages last night. I don't even know if it's gone through. And yes, the man might “only” have 5000 followers (still a lot btw) but DS was a fan first so there is a power imbalance. It doesn't matter about you dating 26 year olds etc etc in the past, why would a 21 yo who's finishing his last year of uni want to be friends with someone in their first year of sixth form, there's a huge gap of maturity. Honestly don't know why I don't have to justify myself, if ds was a dd I'm sure you'd all be saying different.

I don't know if DS is out making friends or if he's with this man all the time but I doubt he is trying to make friends, the day I dropped him off I asked if he wanted to go for dinner or anything and he said no he was meeting him.

I am giving DS money for food etc yes.

Have you tried phoning him?

Contact the school to do a welfare check.

Nope, I wouldn't be saying any different if it were different rather than ds. 17 to 21 is not a huge age difference. The difference between my son's father and me is the same, we moved in together when I was 18. There was not a "power imbalance", 5000 followers is no more than the average teenager who posts a lot on social media, most that I know on the clock app have more than that, heck, I know women in their 50s who only post photos of their dog who have double that!
He wants to be independent, leave him be. He has someone looking out for him. My youngest ds has just started uni, he has disabilities, he hasn't messaged me any more than yours has. He's revelling in the freedom, it's normal.

I don't give it a single thought. He was nice. Too nice for me actually. It only lasted about a year. I met him about 5 years later and dated but I just didnt like him anymore.

It's not tiktok. It's twitch. They don't push out videos like tiktok so 5000 is a lot, plus he can get donations etc whilst live streaming.

No idea why you're being gas lit by these awful people with no morals..

Of course you are right to be concerned x💐

You still seem very hung up on this supposed power imbalance based on the guy having 5000 followers and that means he can't possibly meet one who would become a friend/partner.

At one point, I had 25'000 followers - this is still an absolutely miniscule amount - for a FB page. Some of those followers are now actual friends, there is no power imbalance.

I'd be much more interested in what content this person is streaming/sharing - rather than the microscopic handful of followers he has. That is far more telling about who he is and what his motivations may be.

personally I would be a bit worried too, can you email him? Just to make sure he’s ok. It could mean he’s lost his phone too I guess. If not maybe contact the uni just to check he’s ok.

I’m assuming this is a relationship and he doesn’t feel comfortable coming out as gay to you or he would have done. He may interpret your disapproval of his relationship as being because it’s same sex.

Every Tom, Dick and Random has a SM channel these days so it’s not really a big deal. Nor is 4 years a major age gap.

I would apologise for your concern about this guy to get him back onside and say that if it’s is a relationship you’re happy for him.

If there is any issue in the relationship (of whatever kind it is) it’s much better if he can trust you and talk to you about it. For that you need to be accepting of it.

Saying that there is nothing wrong with a 17 year old spending time with a 21 year old is not gaslighting. Don't be ridiculous.

Some of these replies are crazy! I would be going crazy with worry as I think most mothers would.
Send him a letter and if no reply I think i would be travelling up to see him, if only for my peace of mind.
I think he's selfish to not reply with a short OK.

You can’t be serious. I didn’t phone my mother once a week at uni. If she’d asked me to I would have just laughed.

To be completely honest I think you sound overbearing. I’m in my 20s and aware of twitch and I don’t think the power imbalance is as big as you think. 5000 followers is fuck all.

Your son could be gay, or they could just be mates. But what is more likely is that he found being at home a drain and that he’s thankful to be able to get away from home and spread his wings, even if that means to experiment sexually without you breathing down his neck.

I’d say it’s less likely that a streamer has groomed your son, because he would easily get cancelled online and that’s his entire livelihood gone. People who are trying to become big online, are going to be hyper aware of their image. If you think something untoward is going on, contact the police.

I think it’s more likely that he sees this person as someone familiar there, who is seemingly bringing him out of his shell to experience an area that your son has only just moved to. When your son gets more uni mates his own age, he’ll naturally spend more time with them.

I’m an avid Twitch user - 5k followers really isn’t a lot! You’re very, very small fish on there under 50k. Basically 5k means you stream regularly and consistently so people pick up your feed from the algorithm - maybe occasionally stream for drops to boost viewer figures. Most of the ones I watch on there are 1M+ followers.

And most my mates when I first went to uni were in their late twenties and early thirties, living in town rather than my campus friends. Still friends with them now, whereas I don’t talk to anyone I actually attended uni with.

Honestly, ignore the commenters on both sides - the ones telling you that you’re smothering him (you’re obviously not) and the ones telling you that your son is in danger right this second. Just breathe and be there for him when he comes home.

Hell no. Everyone needs to calm down.

He’s ok. If he wasn’t, the uni or a hospital would have called.

OP just needs to email him and say she respects that he has a new independent, life, that she accepts this friendship/relationship exactly as it is, that she’s there if he ever needs her.

Yeah hospitals can and usually do contact the uni! Nothing to stop them from doing so, and if third-party consent is on the student’s record the Uni would then contact that person. Typically we’d require them to specify the type of enquiries/concerns we can share with the designated person when they’re recording their consent

I think you are right to be concerned about a new partner regardless of the age if the behaviour of your son has changed.

Not replying to you is not ok from your child who has only just moved out of home!

If My son blocked me I would drive down to make sure they are ok as it would be so out of character.

18 is still so young I am amazed some people are telling you any different!