DS moved to uni and blocked me

[BloomGeneral]

DS is 18, last year when still 17 he started talking to a boy, well man as he was 21. He said it was all platonic but I still felt off. Why would a 21 year old want to be friends with a 17yo? To make it worse, he was a streamer where he had a few thousand followers and DS was one of them originally which made the dynamic even worse tbh.

This was all online and I only found out when DS went to see him when his parents were away, he lied to me and said he was staying at a friends here, but she had no idea about it. Since then our relationship has become rocky, we used to have a good relationship, not extremely close but not distant either.

He applied to go to uni in the man’s city and got an unconditional offer (he also got offers at 2 other uni but obviously chose the first one).

He moved there about 2 weeks ago now and he hadn't really spoke to much, we spoke on the phone twice. The most recent time he was saying he felt unwell, he's diabetic and drank too much/misjudged his blood sugar or something along those lines (I don't know the full story), I asked if he wanted me to go there(about a 3.5 hour drive) and he said no it's fine X (the man) was with him.

DS hasn't ever come out as gay but I do suspect there could be some sort of relationship going on. He messaged me a few times since then, but not a lot. I asked how he was feeling and he said “fine” and I asked what he’d been up to and he said “stuff”. He hasn't replied to my message I sent on Saturday and I went to message again on WhatsApp and it hasn't sent and his profile pic has vanished. This means he's blocked me doesn't it? I haven't tried to ring him.

What the hell do I do?

5,000 on twitch really isn’t that much. My son has more and so yes earns money.

What do they have in common? Well clearly whatever it is he streams and often people tend to share more than one interest.

You don’t know if his gay or not if it’s just a friend or not or viewing him as a mentor. Do you know what this man is studying at uni? It could even be the same subject.

If he had met this chap at a in person dungeons and dragons would you be so worried?

Honestly, ignore the commenters on both sides - the ones telling you that you’re smothering him (you’re obviously not)

if OP’s son is gay and hasn’t told OP, that tells me enough about their dynamic- he doesn’t feel comfortable coming out to her. That speaks volumes about their relationship (or lack of).

There’s an important difference between being “open” and outing someone.

Forcing or pressuring someone to disclose their sexuality — especially your own child — can be deeply harmful, it’s illegal in the workplace for good reason…

Male suicide rates, particularly among gay/bi young adults, are significantly higher than average. Mental health organisations and professionals consistently advise parents to never pressure their child to disclose their sexual orientation.

In many cases, young people are still figuring out their own identity, so pushing them before they’re ready can backfire and damage trust.

This isn’t about being “secretive” or “dysfunctional” — it’s about respecting someone’s autonomy and protecting their mental health.

So yeah I am consistently shocked when I read shitty advice to confront a young adult about their sexual orientation considering the harm it can do.

go look at stonewall etc and educate yourself on the topic

I think you have to try not to worry, and send a breezy cheerful message in a few days.
Is there a question he might answer like ''do you want me to send your headphones?'
My son went last Saturday and we have had v little communication.
However I can understand why you are concerned re older man who sounds a bit groomy.
Unfortunately I don't think there's anything you can do about that.
Also the diabetes is concerning. I get why you are worried. He is more than likely having a brilliant time and will be in touch soon.

Only you know your relationship with your son. Is his dad on the scene? I havent read the full thread. Two of my friends drove down unannounced to their sons unis. One found him happily in bed with his new girlfriend, the other found a son in need of support and very glad to see her. You are a loving and caring mum with maternal instincts.

He's already been to uni and finished it, and no Ds isn't studying the same thing. They're in completely different life stages. DS has only just started uni and this man has been graduated for a year.

Just send him money - lots - you'll be his favourite then.

Not necessarily, my nephew is super close to his mother, my sister, nephew was noticeably flamboyant, camp, as a little boy.
We always just assumed he was gay, he came out at 19 with his new partner, my sister did ask him when he was really depressed as ayounger teenager dating girls, he said no, he genuine wasn't 💯 sure himself.

I would email him. Ignore the mean posts. He may be at uni but you are still his mum and he's obviously got a lot to deal with in terms of managing his diabetes and his mental health. I would worry about the older guy too but there's nothing you can do but remain supportive and reinforce that you love him and are there for him if he needs you. Hope your ok and have support.

Don’t contact him . Let him get in touch with you .
A re you supporting him financially through Uni ?

I wouldn't focus on the age difference. It is nothing. Nephew is 20, partner 25, together 1 year.

I think your age gap argument is a little weak as there isn’t really an age gap in terms of life stage as you put it I would say the next big difference especially for a man would be 25, plenty of my friends have this size age gaps in their relationships, and this was also very apparent when at Uni. I think if you’ve allowed your disapproval of this man into your conversations with your DS then he may be confused about whether your issue is with this man or any man, which if he is gay as you expect may have put a wedge between you and made me worry about coming out. You need to switch your conversations with your DS around and make it about empowering him and giving him confidence rather than disapproval of his partner. Instead of messaging why don’t you call him?

I’ve only read the first page of comments, and I can’t understand why everyone thinks OP is too much/worrying about nothing. I’d be very worried if my son went away from home for the first time, potentially had a new relationship with someone at a different stage in life albeit 4 years, seemed off and blocked me. Try and call him OP, and if you can’t get through, drive to go and see him…

OP - just wanted to say I hear you. Ignore the goady posts. Regardless of the man (who I agree there is an obvious power imbalance there). Your only just 18 year old with a chronic health condition has possibly blocked you. Of course that’s incredibly worrying. Sure, technically he’s an adult but are these people really saying they would just leave him to it in your situation. I know which is the better parent. I really hope he gets in touch soon to put your mind at rest 💐

I’d agree…if we knew he was gay. We don’t have a clue. That’s why I said to ignore both the extremes of comments we’re seeing on here and to focus on the moderate ones. Just think the OP should relax, accept her anxiety because her kid is on his own for the first time, responsible for his own welfare - that’s going to feed a spiral if anything does - and be there for him when he comes back to her in his own time.

Sounds like this touched a nerve with you lol. I'd think it was weird if a loved one blocked me out the blue. Not out the realms of possibility he's being manipulated.

You need to dial back the anxiety, that’s what will alienate him. They’re not at different life stages, a 21 year old could easily be doing a masters, even if this particular one is not.

I’m surprised by some of the responses you’ve received. My eldest is the same age (at uni also with health concerns) if he blocked me, he would find me (his father, brother and the pet dog) on his doorstep the next day- because it would be incredibly out of character for him.

Hopefully you have managed to get hold of your son?

If this had been a 17yo girl who met an older guy online and then moved to his city and promptly went incommunicado....oh boy!

It doesn’t matter whether he’s gay or not. He can’t talk to his mum about this relationship without her getting extra. And that’s a problem.

It seems to me he’s worried about your reaction to his being gay. Are you completely open and accepting of his sexuality, and does he know that you are (if you are)? If you’ve ever made homophobic comment or joke it may have been enough to worry him that won’t accept him if he comes out to you. It may he also that his partner is really flamboyant and he’s worried about your reaction to that? Can yiu write to him (who remembers how to use a pen!?!) and clear the pathway for him?

Hello. I feel for you I really do. I had a similar experience with my eldest daughter going to Uni….she didn’t block me but she did not answer of return calls for weeks and I was out of my mind. Her bf and his family at the time were turning her against me. It was horrible. And I knew it wasn’t a good situation for her. All I could do was wait tho. But then it all got too much and i went to see her. It’s not on blocking you and he should realise how much that would hurt.
Go and see him, explain how worried you’ve been and try not to be judgmental or angry. ❤

He’s not at school, he’s gone to Uni.

I understand what other people are saying about not smothering him and everything, but it really sounds like you are giving him plenty of space. Regardless of his diabetes, of course you are worried about him having just gone off to uni and I guarantee nearly everyone else in their first year's parents are messaging/calling regularly at the moment.
I also understand where you are coming from about this relationship, whether it is true it is platonic or not. Clearly something about this man gives you a bad vibe and I'd say that him blocking you is very concerning as it could be a case of this man trying to isolate him.
If I were you, and you are able to do it, I would be tempted to visit this weekend and do something that you both enjoy. Consider inviting along his friend as well and getting to know him a bit better. Try and get your son to understand how worrying it is when he blocks you and the occasional message/call or even just a pic showing that he is okay would help put you at ease. I do agree with others about not showing any negativity towards this friendship or his new found independence. I also wouldn't mention potentially being gay; if he is, he will tell you in his own time and way.
I really hope that you manage to get this sorted soon, it must be incredibly worrying for you.

He’s 18, a consenting adult.