Partner angry I’ve changed our plans to support my friend

[Tootiredtosugarcoat]

My partner and I have some rare time to ourselves this weekend. My DS1 is with his dad for the weekend which is a rare occurrence. Grandparents will watch DS2 on Friday night and we will go out to dinner and have some drinks. On Saturday night he said he’d cook and we could chill once baby was asleep.
My close friend is about to start a course of chemotherapy and of course our whole friendship group has rallied round her. She has asked if we would all like to go for drinks on Saturday night before she starts treatment and is potentially unwell for months. I feel I should go as she is my best friend, has been since we were kids, and has always been there for me through everything.
My partner has lost his head 🤯 refused to speak to me all night last night and then this morning has told me I obviously don’t care about my family, that he’s not a priority, that he’s cancelled our meal on Friday night because if I don’t want to be with him on Saturday night then I can’t be with him on Friday night. He’s told me I have to go on Saturday now because I’m not allowed to stay in with him. So I can’t even offer not to go now. Is it really that bad to want to spend time supporting my friend?
Just for further info, 2 weeks ago he was out all day Saturday and Sunday drinking with his friends, was out on Monday night with his friends, is out tomorrow night with them and will be out on Sunday with them too. A fairly standard month for him. I haven’t been with my whole friendship group since January. It just feels a bit unfair. However, I have dismissed plans with him to make plans with my friends. AIBU to be annoyed at him?

OP I’m not usually in the LTB brigade, but on this one, run! He’s being horribly controlling and not getting the circumstances at all. Had similar years ago and it doesn’t get better.

Get rid. He'll get worse.

horrible man-the date night was friday anyway whats his problem

does he ever look after the baby alone

Sorry about your friend. It’s totally reasonable to change plans in these circumstances and ridiculous that he thinks otherwise. I hope he can get over this sharpish and it doesn’t spoil the night you had planned on the Friday.

(I may be way off here but any chance he might’ve been planning to surprise you/ propose on the Saturday and he’s panicking his plans have been scuppered?! Still a poor response from him but wondering why he had such a big reaction. Just a thought!)

edited to add - Just reread that he’d cancelled the plans on Friday altogether. Very bratty behaviour. Let him feel sorry for himself and make alternative plans.

Blimey he's entitled to be disappointed but jesus what a horrible response. My DH is far from perfect but he would never begrudge me time with a friend about to start chemo. I mean, if you ditched him every weekend for your mates it might be understandable. Plus it sounds like he goes out a lot. Don't like to overuse the term controlling, but his reaction is definitely designed to make you scared to arrange stuff with your friends in future. Worrying.

He sounds selfish and horrible.
Just say to him you don't want to spend time with him now anyway due to his actions.
Remind him how important your friend is to you how poorly she will be and how crap he is for not understanding this .

Maybe take this as a moment in your life to see if you are willing to live this type of life.

What if you want to do something with friends and family without him does he kick off or do you just not do it because you know his reactions.

at times i despair. it doesn't work like that. he would have to pay maintenance. I hope you were at least clever enough to marry before giving up work and having his baby.

My ex husband was very similar - I'm sorry OP he will just get worse - mine did and I know lots of others do as I work in a solicitors and have seen it every day for nearly 30 years. Please protect yourself and your children and make plans to leave xx

You despair? My god my situation must be so annoying for you, I do apologise!
I haven’t given up working, I reduced my hours. Totally different.
I’m aware how child maintenance works.
Not married. That’s why I called him my partner and not my husband

YANBU. You could still go out Friday with him then go out with your friends Saturday. Given he goes out a lot he doesn’t get to complain

Give the OP a break!
She’s doing her very best.

Initially I was thinking I could understand his disappointment ( and was wondering how you might compromise) but reading the rest of the post has thrown me! He sounds like a right selfish pig. Go and support your friend, not because he says you can't stay in, cheeky fucker, but because you want to.

He needs to give his head a wobble.

OP. There is a power imbalance here to your disadvantage. He is taking advantage of your position and sounds abusive. Is he often like this? It will only get worse. Little men cannot deal with kids growing up and having an opinion.

I would start to make plans for an exit. And confide in a close friend or family member.

he has thrown a toddler strop of mega proportions. He goes out all the time.

His reaction is disproportionate. He should have supported you and appreciated your friend’s situation. It doesn’t matter whether he is upset at not being #1 for the evening. At not having s3x. Or at having to sit on his own sofa whilst parenting his own children.

And. it is 2025. He should not be such an arsehole.

You sound like a childish idiot and I’m sure you’re trolling so I wouldn’t bother arguing with you 😂

Vile man. Horrible behaviour.

There is always one who is just spiteful. Ignore.

He doesn’t get to “keep the baby” because he’s in a more financially secure situation. That’s not how it works. Most he can get is 50/50 child contact unless there’s another compelling reason (not financial) why the children should not be with you at least half the time.

OP, seek advice from domestic abuse charities.
You feel stuck, but you are not.
You need advice.
No more children with him.
Start planning to leave.
Look at the CM calculator.
He will get worse.
You are being controlled and abused.

Deepblue didn’t put it very kindly but she’s not wrong. Like it or not, being married gives protection, mainly to women. The house is a joint matrimonial asset and marriage strengthens the financial position all round but especially where children are involved. I think, however, that OP might be able to stand up to her Ill-tempered partner.

I can't think of anything situation where my husband would begrudge me going to see a friend with cancer and having to cancel our plans.
Your partner is a horrible man

He's a twat, get rid

He sounds like a bully.

The problem here is that you didn’t share the issue of your friends chemo coming up with your partner in advance - given the chance to hear about the chemo starting there’s a decent chance your partner would have encouraged you to be with your friends on the Saturday evening.
Thing is, you denied him agency and denied him the chance to be supportive.
You presented him with your decision already made.

From his point of view he loses no matter what, because if he does not make a stand and remind you of your responsibility to your relationship with him, and your responsibility to share and consult with him first, then he looks weak to you.

If he accepts your decision to not spend Saturday evening with him as previously offered and agreed, then he looks weak to you because he accepts your reneging upon him.

You have boxed him in.

No wonder he is annoyed with you.

You need to apologise, you need to be a bigger person, and you need to improve your commitment and communication skills within your relationship.

@Saladbrains i have to disagree entirely with this.

Firstly @Tootiredtosugarcoat has not said anywhere that her DP wasn’t aware of her friend having chemotherapy. I would be surprised given she is a long-standing close friend that DP would have only found out about the cancer diagnosis this week (although Ofc neither of us can be sure). But even if you’re correct and OP has only just mentioned her best friend needing chemotherapy at the same time as changing plans - how does that deny the DP “agency” or “the chance to be supportive”. Surely this the perfect chance to be supportive - “aww that’s a shame I was really looking forward to us spending a weekend together but I understand your friend is having chemo and you may not get a chance to see her for a while - we’ll have to rearrange another date weekend”

Secondly - I am baffled by your reasoning of her DP feeling like he looks weak if he doesn’t remind her of her responsibilities to him or the relationship. This is not normal behaviour. Life and shit happens. Plans change all the time. Oo should be in a flexible relationship. Yes her DH has the right to be upset, disappointed and is within his rights to voice that but if the reason he is doing that is because he doesn’t want to look weak - then he needs help because he’s not secure enough in the relationship which is why he feels the need to always be the “strong” one or the one with the power. To me a relationship is equal - and I feel so blessed my DH doesn’t have this attitude .

i don’t believe this man who has behaved appallingly is feeling “boxed in” or that OP has any reason to apologise! What about OPs partners responsibilities to the relationship? Is being a loving, thoughtful, compromising human being not part of that - or is his only role to avoid feeling weak at all times?

I’m sorry @Tootiredtosugarcoat - I’m not sure what the rest of your relationship is like but this is foul behaviour (but the fact you haven’t stated this is completely out of the blue for him and instead explained reasons why you can’t leave straight away suggests I perhaps you’re not fully happy). You have childcare on the Friday evening - no reason why you couldn’t have just enjoyed the Friday night together and rescheduled the Saturday eve. As to him saying if you can’t be together on the Friday then you can’t be together on the Saturday, and saying you’re not allowed to spend the Saturday with him now - this is controlling , abusive behaviour. He’s not got what he wants, he’s behaving extremely to try and teach you a lesson so you don’t do this again. If he’s never behaved like this before, I would be very surprised if it doesn’t happen again and I would look out for it. Women’s aid are a great support for women in your situation. You’re financially dependant on him at the moment but that doesn’t have to be the case forever - get support and advice if leaving is Infact what you want to do.