Partner angry I’ve changed our plans to support my friend

[Tootiredtosugarcoat]

My partner and I have some rare time to ourselves this weekend. My DS1 is with his dad for the weekend which is a rare occurrence. Grandparents will watch DS2 on Friday night and we will go out to dinner and have some drinks. On Saturday night he said he’d cook and we could chill once baby was asleep.
My close friend is about to start a course of chemotherapy and of course our whole friendship group has rallied round her. She has asked if we would all like to go for drinks on Saturday night before she starts treatment and is potentially unwell for months. I feel I should go as she is my best friend, has been since we were kids, and has always been there for me through everything.
My partner has lost his head 🤯 refused to speak to me all night last night and then this morning has told me I obviously don’t care about my family, that he’s not a priority, that he’s cancelled our meal on Friday night because if I don’t want to be with him on Saturday night then I can’t be with him on Friday night. He’s told me I have to go on Saturday now because I’m not allowed to stay in with him. So I can’t even offer not to go now. Is it really that bad to want to spend time supporting my friend?
Just for further info, 2 weeks ago he was out all day Saturday and Sunday drinking with his friends, was out on Monday night with his friends, is out tomorrow night with them and will be out on Sunday with them too. A fairly standard month for him. I haven’t been with my whole friendship group since January. It just feels a bit unfair. However, I have dismissed plans with him to make plans with my friends. AIBU to be annoyed at him?

What I would give to be going out for drinks or dinner with my friend “Mavis” one more time, before she started her chemo.

Unfortunately she kept the news to herself and a handful of people so she didn’t do any get together before her treatment started . Even most of her family didn’t know she was ill until this summer.

I tried to meet up with Mavis earlier this year but she was already too sick by then and cancelled. She died in July and I miss her loads.

There is no two sides to this, anyone trying to two sides this shit show is a disgrace. Especially given he is quite happy to go out and party with his friends all weekend.

Any decent man would have swallowed any jealousy or irritation he may have felt rather than acted on it. We can’t always control how we feel in the moment but we are responsible for our actions and dealing with unhealthy emotional responses.

I think he is either planning another bender for the weekend to spite OP or there’s a special someone he wants to see (or both) and is using this an excuse to flounce out the house. I know a lot of men my friends dated that would cause drama when another woman or some hidden addiction was on the scene.

Yes, before she starts debilitating treatment and won’t be well enough to do so again for some time.
Did none of you ‘pick me’s’ comprehend that OP’s partner regularly goes out without her - without a care that she’s sitting on her own with their baby? Why is this one Saturday night so important when all the other Saturday nights he goes out with his mates, aren’t?

i was a wreck before it started but once it got going I became more stoic. The friends that really got it would message me after chemo just to say they were thinking of me as they knew I wouldn’t be up to talking on the phone. Sometimes I didn’t have the energy even to message back. And then the third week of every cycle I would be up for a call or a visit. I just needed to know people were thinking of me. I didn’t have children so didn’t need much/any practical stuff.

I hear you. I think that’s all it takes, just the knowledge that someone somewhere is thinking of you. It’s a big thing.

You’re not allowed to say at home? He’s banning you from your own home? wtaf?! Is it your house? His? Shared tenancy!? He can fuck right off with this plan!

Eh? How are they being pick-mes?

😂

By suggesting op is being unreasonable by choosing to spend her friend’s last evening before starting debilitating treatment, with her. When her ‘partner’ spends most of his weekends and some week nights doing exactly the same thing- except his friends aren’t embarking on potentially life saving/ extending treatments, he’s just on a piss up.

I didn’t think it would need explaining, if I’m honest.

I think the difference is that they almost never get a weekend to themselves and had made plans together. There are likely other things wrong in their relationship that need addressing but I sympathise with his anger about this.

He's a twat. End of.

Bingo !

He's not unreasonable to be annoyed that your Saturday night plans changed.
He's so very unreasonable to throw this wobbler and cancel your Friday night dinner and huff/silent treatment. It screams control.

This makes no sense. The Friday night was to be totally child free date night and sexy possibilities. Saturday they will have baby (DS2).

Her partner (not a DH) is a totally nasty nutter.

In my head, I would not even engage with this absolute shit.

He throws his toys, cool eyebrow raise, “ok, then, see you on Saturday when I get back”.

In reality and in small kid-fuddled brain I’d probably do what you do and try to rationalise it.

Go be with your friend and absolutely shame this totally selfish manchild. What an entitled, unempathetic asshole.

THIS !!!

My Aunt started Chemotherapy but didn't respond well to it. A reminder to enjoy the moments you have with those you love before it's too late.

There would be two sides if the OP was constantly going out, but it sounds like she isn’t. She hasn’t seen all of her friends since January. Yet he’s out every night of the week. But when he isn’t, he expects you OP to whistle to his tune. Do men turn after having a baby as I read this quite regularly and it scares me. He’s controlling and abusive by ordering you out of the house

Having now gone back a few pages, can I say how absolutely shocked I am that anyone at all is suggesting the fella in this situation has due cause to be upset?

What kind of absolute arsehole puts their own enjoyment of a (second) date night over and above supporting someone who is about to start chemo??! Do they have any idea how awful it is, to be facing down a possible death sentence whilst also often feeling sick as a dog, losing your hair and feeling so tired it seems like you’ve not slept in weeks? Honestly, some men’s entitlement never ceases to amaze me.

Even my self-absorbed empathy bypass of an ex would have drawn the line in this situation.

Is he this nasty and controlling about other things?
He's conditioning you to bow down to his authority, I'd be leaving this relationship.

You think he’s justified in being angry that his wife is going to support her friend before she starts chemotherapy? When she hadn’t cancelled their child free night out, just one where they were going to eat at home and watch tv?

Wild…

Appalling behaviour

I’d point out exactly how controlling he is being - if you can’t be with him Saturday night for a good reason, he’ll sabotage Friday night plans - what is he a child?. I’d make plans for Friday night too now if I were you.

Whats wrong with a meal together on Sunday night and he cancels his plans with friends? No? Thought not

Clearly this is someone who can’t bear not to have company all the time. And is pissed because you’re putting him in that situation. You need to tell him in no uncertain terms that his behaviour is out of line and absolutely not acceptable

If he's constantly going out with his friends and she hasn't been out with hers since January, it sounds like his social calendar is the main reason they almost never get a weekend to themselves.

He’s been ridiculous. He seems to have all the freedom he likes but you are limited and he’s trying to limit you even more. Really not ok. Of course you should see your friend. And it’s not like he’s not going to see you at all, you still have other plans. Silent treatment is the behaviour of a child. I’d be very clear that you do not accept this behaviour. And if it’s indicative of how he generally behaves, you should start thinking about your options.

He's allowed to get annoyed but this could be the last time she gets a night out with her friends. Ever. You'll get more chances to have a special night with your partner although tbh this gives me the ick so bad I wouldn't want dinner with him Friday or to make it up to him another time. I would actually want to dump him for this. Stop trying to appease him. He'll just get worse.

Thanks for the replies. Although I think they’ve told me what I already knew. I can’t leave however. The house is ours, we bought it together but he earns almost 10 times what I earn since I significantly reduced my hours so I’m around to take care of the baby and not rely on or pay for child care. Probably not worth my while working but I love it and I need that little bit of independent time. If we split I have nowhere to go with 2 kids and no money really. He would probably try to keep the baby since he could afford the mortgage alone and I just can’t have that. I will stand my ground as far as supporting my friend goes but that’s probably as much as I can do

That’s depressing OP.

Not just this story but generally speaking It’s really sad the amount of women who feel they can’t afford to leave bad partners on here.

I don’t know if it’s a change in attitude or availability in government support but I’m so glad my aunty a 30 year old woman with 3 young kids under 6 and no job in a foreign country was bold enough to walk away from my crappy Uncle back in the 90s. I appreciate there’s probably less resources available now but it wasn’t easy for her either. She was in temp housing for a while, and she retrained and studied and raised those kids alone and all 3 kids (2 girls and one boy) know not to take shit from partners and have great careers.

I think to some extent it’s a matter of choice - you can take your time and get your ducks in a row, leave immediately or just stay there forever. You have options, if you choose to stay that’s fine - I’m not necessarily saying anyone should leave or not, but you may as well own your choice.

What do you think you're modelling to your kids? What will they learn about relationships and how they should treat people/be treated?

I know it's not always easy, but having a healthy upbringing is worth more than having lots of money.