I’m embarrassed my by friends weight

[BeachBaby997]

I feel horrible, I genuinely do. Don’t really know how to shake it off. Been friends for many years but never gone abroad together. Currently away and we both needed the break. We are both in our 30’s

The issue is my friend is really scantly dressed. Friend is 5ft, about 20 stone in her own admission. I’m not skinny myself and weigh about 13, so it’s not a jab. I do think I dress for the figure I have though. Nice summer dresses, midi dresses.

My friend always dresses lovely at home but on this holiday she’s wearing barely anything. The tiniest bikinis possible, even her dresses are cropped so her bum is really out, belly is out. She’s also quite a loud person in general and I can see people looking at us in the street. She’s wearing a lot from Temu and shein and the material is just hardly there. Today it’s tiny tiny shorts and a crop top.

she also spends 90% moaning about her weight, saying she hates it etc but does not stop eating. She then twists it and says “I don’t look 20 stone do I? Everyone says I look about 13/14”

We go for breakfast and she has 3 plates, then it’s straight to the snacks from the shop, then lunch, then more snacks from the shop. she will be eating until midnight.

I really don’t know why it’s winding me up so much- I just want to shout well if you’re so unhappy stop eating everything!

i think I just need to bite my tongue and get though the next four days. Our friendship is normally fine but we’re shopping for a day, grab a meal or coffee type friends usually.

I was going to rip you a new one, based on your thread title. However, I actually think that YANBU. If I'm reading you right, it isn't her weight per se that winds you up. It's her attitude.

I've been fat and I have been thin - only when I was thin did family and friends make negative comments.
People want everyone else to be fat because it normalises fatness!

I think there's a few things with this.

Firstly, the way your friend dresses is noones business but her own. It's up to her to pick clothes she likes and feels good in just as it's up to you to do the same for yourself. Everyone has their own limit for how exposed/ covered they want to be and its their personal choice. If you're in hot weather it's unfair and very selfish to expect someone to cover up more just because you are uncomfortable with seeing parts of their body just because those body parts are larger on her than on someone else. This is your issue with socially enforced beauty standards... not her issue.

The second issue is, if losing weight was just simply a matter of eating less/exercising more then noone would be over weight. The reasons why some people eat or gain weight are complex and varied. I can understand your frustration, especially if she's complaining a lot but it's also coming from YOUR misplaced myths and stereotypes about weight gain/weight loss and how easy you seem to think it is. Its unfair to project your overly simplistic view on to her. For many people it is extremely difficult and overwhelming to try to manage eating and weight loss and she's quite likely acutely aware of what she needs to do. The reasons why she isn't are possibly deeper rooted.

The third issue is her loudness - this just sounds like personality clash and again while I get not being comfortable with this if you're someone who maybe doesn't like being centre of attention, I think you need to just accept this is who she is and while it was nice to try going on holiday, you'll know for again that your friendship does better in shorter doses and certain settings so just go with that in future. You can't change her, if you're a genuine friend then you'll accept her as she is. It sounds like you're just having too much time in each others pockets. What about going for a walk on your own or spending some time doing your own thing on the holiday to break it up a bit?

I have to say I experienced the opposite.

Me too. The only negative comment was when a boyfriend noticed my ribs sticking out and expressed a genuine concern, very nicely.

Having spent together today and really thinking about it- I don’t think it’s the weight per se as like I said I’m far from slim, it’s the self awareness that I’m struggling with. It’s the fact we are in a very heavy religious country and people are staring at the clothing choices, we were in a very beautiful cathedral earlier and friend was being very loud on FaceTime to her sister and even though everyone was looking she didn’t quieten down. I think it’s the same with the eating, there’s zero self awareness about it. If I tell her to go outside, she looks at me like I’ve got three heads

i agree we aren’t meant to be holiday friends, and I don’t think I’m a bad friend. I recently drove 3 hours to help said friend move house, have lent her money, got her a job through my work. I’m also always there for a chat etc and support. It’s just I don’t think I can ahndle any form of second hand embarrassment reflecting back on me. I’m not perfect, I’m overweight, BMI of 27, I’m working on it- but I don’t blame anyone else or get her to guess my weight etc.

She sounds annoying, but would be annoying she was slim, being on the phone in a cathedral etc. So that’s not really weight related.

I think you need to stop being embarrassed on her behalf, she clearly isn’t and nor does she have to be. She doesn’t have to be self aware either, she can just live in the body she does.

I’m not sure she needs to be aware of what she eats. If she wants 3 plates at breakfast, that’s up to her, so not sure what being aware of it would do!

Try to stop worrying about what other people think of her size, and of her behaviour. Her size isn’t anyone’s problem, and her behaviour is only her own.

Why would second hand embarrassment reflect on you in a country where you aren't ever going to see anyone ever again. I understand the point you are making re her clothes but you could quietly say to her that if you were going somewhere that had to have an appropriate dress code maybe she could cover up for the visit.

As for her eating. It's her business. I've gone through stages in my life where I was in complete denial about my size. I knew I was big (I'm not and never have been 20 stones) but that didn't make me spring into action eating more healthily. It had the opposite effect. Underneath all the loud behaviour your friend might actually be really low and feel terrible about herself

As for BMI. It's not the best indicator of whether someone is overweight or not. I've been at points in my life where I've been very very fit and I still couldn't get my BMI below 27.

It actually sounds like you are projecting how you are feeling about your own weight onto your friend. Issues regarding going to places where you might need to cover up aside - it's really unfair that larger women have to be shamed about what they wear. If a size 8 woman can wear a crop top then a size 22 woman should be able to wear one without being judged.

You also knew she was loud - she's not going to change her personality just because she's on holiday. Like you say, you were the wrong combination to go on holiday together.

I'm surprised they let her into the cathedral if she wasn't dressed or behaving appropriately.

You might be able to have a conversation with her if it's about dressing and acting appropriately in a religious country or space (in fact, out of respect for the country and people, I think you should). Otherwise, I don't know if there's much you can do other than just not go on holiday with her again. Holidaying with someone is very different to normal everyday friendship contact.

OP if you weigh 13 stone and your BMI is 27 you must be about 5 foot 9 and you are not going to look very overweight if at all. I’m similar and I’m a size 14. Your friend has a BMI of about 54! So there’s a huge difference in how you both look.

I don’t think I could handle the loudness, the inappropriate clothes, and the moaning about being overweight while stuffing her face. I’d be cringing all the time. YANBU.

Huh….no one her knows who her friend is so it won’t affect her!

This, and so what if she louds and people are looking, let them look. Whose to say it's wrong being loud.

You better drop the friendship when you get home.

You are a better person than me, from the way you have describe her, I don’t think I could be friends with someone like this

It won’t win me any friends on here but YANBU.
I was brought up to believe being very overweight is not desirable. And also to dress for your shape. Also to use your manners in public places! And yes, that means being quiet sometimes.
Lots of PP say that you are being cruel and it’s up to her what she eats.
Yes, it is, but don’t she should not kid herself that it’s her own behaviour that makes her overweight! If she constantly eats tons and tons of food she is going to be obese. And if she’s 20st it’s unlikely that she looks 13! Deep down she knows this.
I have friend who constantly goes on that as she is a single mum she has no time to exercise, when she gets more childcare than anyone I know and spends her free time eating chocolate and watching telly.
YABU to be annoyed! She can help herself very easily but chooses not too. Each day this woman is choosing to continue what she does.
However I don’t think you can change people.
It’s hard and intense going on holiday with friends so maybe don’t go again if you are not compatible spending this much time together.

Food issues and overeating are usually connected to trauma and/or poor mental health. I know because I was that person. Still am but i can now control it better. Give your friend some love and encouragement. If she wants to lose weight how about inviting her to yours to cook some low fat recipes together?

I think her weight sounds like the least annoying thing about her tbh! I would be mortified walking about a cathedral in a conservative country, with a loud, inconsiderate friend in her 30s, wearing extremely revealing clothes.

Like you, I'm not exactly skinny myself, but even when I was very slim and young, I would not have worn clothes which showed my butt cheeks anywhere, but definitely never in a church.

You are being a total bitch. Leave her alone. She’s on holiday, it’s hot, she’s wearing comfortable clothes! This woman deserves much better ‘friends’ than you.

Are you saying you wouldn’t be embarrassed to be with a 20 stone person wearing a skimpy bikini? Really??? I don’t believe you.

Colourpurple I would not be embarrased, please do not judge people by your standards, mean spirited and nasty. I also think enough of myself not to care what small minded idiots think.
How this lady dresses is up to her, when I am on holiday I have seen large ladies in bikinis, I think nothing of it.
OP you really are not a good friend. I hope she finds that out soon and finds better people who are not like you.

@Colourpurplepalette of course I wouldn’t! It’s hot, she’s wearing a bikini, as she should! Have you been to beaches on the med? Full of people of all shapes and sizes wearing bikinis, enjoying the sun and the water, as everybody is entitled to. Those beaches are places of acceptance and pure joy. Unlike this nasty bitchy thread.

20 stone is absolutely enormous for a 5 foot person so she must look awful in a bikini. I’m a porkster myself but I cover my blubber up.

So bigger people should cover up, be boiling hot, never enjoy the sun or the water on their skin? Do you have any idea how fucking horrible you sound? I’m done with this site. It’s full of nasty, judgemental bitches.

No one with a BMI of 54 should be wearing a bikini.

What are you going to do, walk around the beaches measuring everyone’s height and weight and calculate their BMI?

“Sorry, no bikini for you, I am a random bitchy woman who has decided you are not allowed”

It’s quite obvious just by looking who really shouldn’t be wearing a bikini