I’m embarrassed my by friends weight

[BeachBaby997]

I feel horrible, I genuinely do. Don’t really know how to shake it off. Been friends for many years but never gone abroad together. Currently away and we both needed the break. We are both in our 30’s

The issue is my friend is really scantly dressed. Friend is 5ft, about 20 stone in her own admission. I’m not skinny myself and weigh about 13, so it’s not a jab. I do think I dress for the figure I have though. Nice summer dresses, midi dresses.

My friend always dresses lovely at home but on this holiday she’s wearing barely anything. The tiniest bikinis possible, even her dresses are cropped so her bum is really out, belly is out. She’s also quite a loud person in general and I can see people looking at us in the street. She’s wearing a lot from Temu and shein and the material is just hardly there. Today it’s tiny tiny shorts and a crop top.

she also spends 90% moaning about her weight, saying she hates it etc but does not stop eating. She then twists it and says “I don’t look 20 stone do I? Everyone says I look about 13/14”

We go for breakfast and she has 3 plates, then it’s straight to the snacks from the shop, then lunch, then more snacks from the shop. she will be eating until midnight.

I really don’t know why it’s winding me up so much- I just want to shout well if you’re so unhappy stop eating everything!

i think I just need to bite my tongue and get though the next four days. Our friendship is normally fine but we’re shopping for a day, grab a meal or coffee type friends usually.

I agree with all of you. The fact is I do love her and I’m trying not to think this way. As I’ve I’m actively trying not to- I said in my OP I felt awful for even thinking it and I do. It’s not the weight I don’t think, it’s a combination of the complaining and then not doing anything about it. It just seems to wind me up for some reason- but I’ve never said anything and I wouldn’t.

Her weight and clothes are her issue appearance-wise so it's not really for you to feel embarrassed. Though if you prefer to blend in and she's drawing attention to you both by being loud and showy then I understand why you would feel self conscious and uncomfortable.

I do think it's fair enough to be irritated by her constant banging on about her weight yet constantly scoffing. I have a friend who would do this (though she wasn't overweight, just obsessed with her weight). Would go on and on about wanting a chocolate bar or some chips, then eventually have them, then the rest of the evening would be moaning and crying about how she shouldn't have had that. I snapped in the end and told her it was ruining the evenings for her friends and we were sick of hearing about it. Not my finest hour but she did rein it in and we are still friends!

She is obviously in a bad place, being loud and wearing skanty clothes to draw attention, whilst eating tons and being obsessed with her weight. At 20 stone and still eating three plates, this is basically self harm.
Your friend is in a bad place.
Whatever she is trying to project on the outside, the loudness, the clothes, is probably to mask the sadness.
How good and close of a friend are you?
What about talking about doing something together to get healthy when you get back, would you be up for that? Slimming world and regular walking for example?
If she is not a best friend who you can have deeper conversations about this with then you could just accept this is how she is at the moment.
Tbh I would be feeling protective over my friend if I saw her acting like this, not being embarressed. As I would realise she is not in a good place at all. Try and see it like that and help her.

I think how she dresses is 100% for her to decide - if she feels comfortable that's all that matters

But I would also find her constantly complaining about her size then non stop eating really hard to deal with but I have very little patience for people who are unhappy with something in their life, complain/ moan about it, and have the power to change it but don't

Maybe after the holiday you can suggest to her that it was great to have such a lovely break but now you intend to start a weight-loss programme and would she like to join you as you could encourage each other. (I know she needs it a lot more than you, but it’s a way in.)

You could also take plenty of photos of her while you’re on holiday, with other "normal-sized" people also in the shots, and have a get-together afterwards where you look at all the holiday photos together. She might be shocked into realising what she really looks like.

“I don’t look 20 stone do I? Everyone says I look about 13/14”

This would also irritate me because it's such a trap and has too much potential to upset either you or her or both. Nobody wants to feel like a friend is trying to trap them by asking leading questions - you just want to relax with your friends and have a nice time without watching out for fishing or bear traps!

It's just as irritating when people start talking about how naughty they are for having a single glass of wine or what a fat pig they are for having a square of dark chocolate. It's manipulative because they seem to want their friends to say "oh no, you're not a fat pig" but then they get cross if you do say that or argue back! I just can't be doing with that kind of game-playing.

This is such a thoughtful response

Sounds like she is stuck in a vicious cycle, she's unhappy about her weight so she eats which makes her put on weight and she likely knows it so she feels even more unhappy and guilty so eats to feel better, and the circle goes on.

It's difficult to watch someone be the maker of their own misery.

Some people have the patience to put up with it, others don’t. I had a friend who did this regularly: complained about her weight, ate all the wrong things and then complained even more afterwards! Eventually another friend just lost it with her - they’d reached the absolute limit and couldn’t tolerate the complaining any more. It made her unpleasant company, to be honest, so it was a kindness to let her know how her behaviour was affecting others.

It doesn't sound like you 'love' her. I think you are more sensitive to all these aspects of her body because you're also overweight. Imagine yourself on holiday with a slimmer friend who's writing all this about you on Mumsnet - if you found out, you'd probably never go with her again. And you'd be mortified.

I think you should say something about how you struggle with her weight denial, if you're a proper friend, but you have to explain that's about your insecurities too.

I do understand where you are coming from, we had a quiet word with dsd (younger than you but adult) because the cheap tat she was buying was leaving nothing to the imagination and she’s a bigger lady, though we had the advantage of being able to offer her financial support to buy better quality pieces and this is has gone away

If you have an issue with your friend’s weight, clothing choices and portion sizes, tell her. Don’t coming bitching about it to the internet.

I think you will get a lot of criticism for this but I can relate and I'm overweight myself.

Years ago I went on holiday with a friend who always complained about her weight and blamed her genes etc as she said she didn't eat much. I never saw her overeat badly until we went on holiday together.

She didn't stop eating rubbish the whole time - things like eating a big dinner then stopping for a bag of chips on the walk back to our apartment. I felt quite irritated with it after a while - not even just the constant eating but more the fact she had lied to me about it in the past and lied to herself. It was a whole new level of denial to anything I experienced before and I'm afraid I did judge her for it.

this is exactly it! This is exactly how I feel, I think more than anything else.

Even when I was big, seeing people shovel ridiculous amounts of food really got to me somehow. I can’t bear buffet places as the gluttony makes me feel ill.

dressing in clothes as you describe I would find cringeworthy too. I know what you’re thinking isn’t “kind” but you won’t be alone in thinking what you’re thinking.
id feel the same.

I’m sure it’s internalised self loathing and I’m 100% aware that none of it is any of my business, but that’s how I feel. I’d never say anything.

@BeachBaby997 this person is only an acquaintance really, so if you’re not good holiday companions, no need to repeat.

Fundamentally, if she’s happy with how she is, leave her to it. The moaning about the weight business would irritate, because we’ve got more options than ever before to lose weight.

Could you, maybe when you get back from holiday, say 'let's have a new start' and work together on losing some weight? Or getting healthier?

But holidays with friends can often lead to rethinking friendships.

[Edited to add - it's probably better than the holiday I had with one fatter friend, me in the middle and a skinny friend - and the skinny friend kept going on about her own weight - how overweight she felt. I don't know if being on holiday with fatter people had tripped some sort of weird pathway in her brain because she's normally lovely.....]

It’s hard to spend time with someone with disordered eating without it affecting you, and on a holiday you are a lot in each other’s company and eat all meals together.

Oh god, don’t do this! It’s cruel.

This ^
and I would be annoyed too. I hate when people dress in clothes which is 2 sizes smaller.

I’d hate to be in your situation for a week. Hopefully you’ll still have a friendship by the time you get home and know never to go abroad with her again.

The girl sounds as though she has issues connected to eating and her weight. I would delve a bit deeper to see what's troubling her. I know having put on weight myself that I have done it after my Mum died and a lot of heartbreak. Comfort eating.

You're embarrassed because your friend who's a bit fatter than you shops in Shein and Temu?

That she eats too much?

That she's too loud?

Unless she's being actively obnoxious I don't think the poor woman has done anything wrong.

She's enjoying indulging on holiday and feels confident in skimpy clothes. If you were a good friend you'd be happy she was comfortable and enjoying herself.

Yeah sure this is happening......

I don't think you sound like an awful friend. Just get through the next 4 days and don't spend extended periods of time with her again.

Going on holiday with friends can be hard all them little things that don't normally bother you become polarised when you're with someone 24/7 I would also be embarrassed being seen with someone who weighed 20st wearing crop tops and bikinis with her stomach hanging out. I would also get increasingly annoyed about someone moaning about something but doing absolutely nothing about it. She can eat what she wants but then moan about it.