I’m embarrassed my by friends weight

[BeachBaby997]

I feel horrible, I genuinely do. Don’t really know how to shake it off. Been friends for many years but never gone abroad together. Currently away and we both needed the break. We are both in our 30’s

The issue is my friend is really scantly dressed. Friend is 5ft, about 20 stone in her own admission. I’m not skinny myself and weigh about 13, so it’s not a jab. I do think I dress for the figure I have though. Nice summer dresses, midi dresses.

My friend always dresses lovely at home but on this holiday she’s wearing barely anything. The tiniest bikinis possible, even her dresses are cropped so her bum is really out, belly is out. She’s also quite a loud person in general and I can see people looking at us in the street. She’s wearing a lot from Temu and shein and the material is just hardly there. Today it’s tiny tiny shorts and a crop top.

she also spends 90% moaning about her weight, saying she hates it etc but does not stop eating. She then twists it and says “I don’t look 20 stone do I? Everyone says I look about 13/14”

We go for breakfast and she has 3 plates, then it’s straight to the snacks from the shop, then lunch, then more snacks from the shop. she will be eating until midnight.

I really don’t know why it’s winding me up so much- I just want to shout well if you’re so unhappy stop eating everything!

i think I just need to bite my tongue and get though the next four days. Our friendship is normally fine but we’re shopping for a day, grab a meal or coffee type friends usually.

It's a fact that overweight people who lack the self-awareness to dress in a flattering way and who lack the self-control to cut down on unhealthy foods will attract far more criticism than people who are overweight but self-aware/self-controlled.
Neither a lack of self-awareness nor a lack of self-control are good characteristics and there is an overlap in the pie chart with being overweight.
We're all allowed to choose friends with characteristics we like/admire, even when we are very forgiving of the less attractive characteristics.

Being obese is a killer. She should try to get it under control and you could help her.

Def avoid the holiday as it could end the friendship.

Brave would be to have a conversation with the ‘friend’ the OP holds in contempt

I had a similar situation. A friend who was obese and also loud in her behaviour. No-one in our friendship circle ever criticised her, though I was embarrassed to be with her in public. But I was judged by my brother for being friends with 'someone like that'. People do judge you by the company you keep. People know this, and it is the root of the embarrassment. It strikes me as a form of virtue-signalling to deny it in this particular case (aren't Mandelson and Fergie being judged for the company they kept?). Still, as a friend you put up with the embarrassment until - what happened to me - the friend apparently got over-confident about herself and started ridiculing MY appearance. I'd never said a critical word to her.

Regardless of her friend’s weight, the loud behaviour would really grate others. Someone being louder than necessary is going to draw attention and even more if they have a lot of skin on display regardless of weight.

I know what you mean.

I'm 20 stone and I would never dress like your friend, because I know it was bring unwanted attention/comments.

It's normal to be worried/anxious about something that could be judgement on you, and I know precisely what you mean, people WOULD be looking at her, and you too if you're with her.

Yes, it's horrible.

But speaking as "the fat friend", I know tottttttally what you mean!

We have tolerance categories for our friends. Some are 6 minute friends, the kind you exchange pleasantries with on the school run or after a play date. Some are 6 hour friends that you can happily chat with over coffee or out for a night. Some are 6 day friends, that you can go on holiday with and done are forever friends, the ones you marry or move in with.

Knowing which is which is important, and I think you’ve made the mistake of going on holiday with a 6 hour friend, and realising that you’re just not a 6 day pair. Try and keep it together til the holiday is over, and you might be able to salvage your old friendship.

It’s not really about the weight, the eating, the clothes. It’s just that you’re not compatible for spending this much time together. So try not to focus on those issues. If it wasn’t that it would be her laugh, how long she spends in the shower or the way she coughs.

I'd struggle not to respond with "well, what are you doing about it?" next time she started complaining.

The loudness would grate on me more than the size and I wouldn't care what anyone was wearing so long as you can't actually see nipple/vag. But I would find it very annoying if someone moaned endlessly about being overweight while eating non-stop. TBH though I think going on holiday with just one friend is always a risk, unless you're REALLY good mates with that friend. Every annoying habit or trait is amplified when it's just the two of you, especially if you're sharing a room. There's safety in numbers on holidays like these!

I haven’t had time to skim through all the comments but imo you’re not annoyed/embarrassed about the weight or her shopping at Shein, it’s because she probably looks fundamentally tacky irl right now and a bit too close to a certain type of tourist stereotype.

It’s not kind, sure, but it’s normal. No one likes the feeling of being the centre of negative attention. Where are you spending your holidays?

One of the most wonderful things about being an adult is that you get to choose who you hang out with. I just wouldn’t do it again. Lesson learnt.

I don't really notice either! I struggle with recognising people unless I've met them a lot of times anyway, strangers I barely even notice. I've always thought I'd make a truly terrible spy!

But that's up to her, and OP shouldn't try and force that help on her.

Same here. An absolutely dreadful spy.

I would hate this too, just somehow endure the next 4 days then never again. It's clear why she's the size she is.

Lots of posters saying the “right” thing blah blah, but in reality I would be embarrassed too. I have a very overweight family member who always makes the best of her figure and dresses appropriately, but if she rocked up in a tiny skirt and crop top I’d be mortified. I don’t know how you get through to the oblivious without sounding mean, so that would be the last holiday with her, for me.

Mortified why?

You’d be mortified that someone else had a skirt on? 😂

Glad I don't have friends like you...

YANBU, OP.

It’s almost against the law to say it on MN, where of course people can wear what the hell they like, no matter how fat or saggy and cellulitey they are, but to me, unattractive bodies are best covered up, so in hot climates that means light, loose, cotton clothing.

That depends what unattractive means.

Plenty of overweight people are evidently found attractive by some people, otherwise we’d all die alone.

Please please do not say anything about her weight, no matter what.

My 17 year old daughter was bullied for her weight, she stopped eating much, diagnosed with anorexia, battled with it for 5 years before passing away last year aged 21.

Its never okay to comment on another person’s weight.

Please please do not say anything about her weight, no matter what.

My 17 year old daughter was bullied for her weight, she stopped eating much, diagnosed with anorexia, battled with it for 5 years before passing away last year aged 21.

Its never okay to comment on another person’s weight.

A stomach isn't more or less appropriate because its fat. Or old. If you feel embarrassed to have your stomach out that's absolutely fine but it's not inappropriate

If someone is 20st, they are 20st. Their body will look 20st regardless of whether they are wearing midi dresses or revealing clothes. A bikini or a swimming costume. Putting fabric over the fat doesn't hide it.

You yourself OP think similarly to your friend, although it presents in a different way. You are overweight but think wearing midi dresses hides your sized. Your friend thinks she doesn't look 20st. If someone judges someone for being fat they will judge you regardless of dress, they just might feel more able to voice it if someone's wearing skimpy clothes because it gives them an excuse. They are still judging.

You also must have known your friend was fat. Again no one is 20st because they eat nothing. Its hardly surprising that someone who is 20st eats a lot. Weight is a complex issue, and no one gets to 20st because they have a healthy relationship with food. And no one changes that relationship by hating themselves

Your friends weight is not something you can correct. Being overweight is not shameful. Consider why you find being seen with a fat person so embarrassing. Lots of people struggle with eating or struggle with control in other ways it's just weight makes it visible.

It's because it's dysfunctional eating.nid be annoyed watching someone continually eat while saying they're unhappy with their weight! I'd ask someone to take lots of photos of us and share them when you get back. Might give her a wake up call and help save her life.