I’m embarrassed my by friends weight

[BeachBaby997]

I feel horrible, I genuinely do. Don’t really know how to shake it off. Been friends for many years but never gone abroad together. Currently away and we both needed the break. We are both in our 30’s

The issue is my friend is really scantly dressed. Friend is 5ft, about 20 stone in her own admission. I’m not skinny myself and weigh about 13, so it’s not a jab. I do think I dress for the figure I have though. Nice summer dresses, midi dresses.

My friend always dresses lovely at home but on this holiday she’s wearing barely anything. The tiniest bikinis possible, even her dresses are cropped so her bum is really out, belly is out. She’s also quite a loud person in general and I can see people looking at us in the street. She’s wearing a lot from Temu and shein and the material is just hardly there. Today it’s tiny tiny shorts and a crop top.

she also spends 90% moaning about her weight, saying she hates it etc but does not stop eating. She then twists it and says “I don’t look 20 stone do I? Everyone says I look about 13/14”

We go for breakfast and she has 3 plates, then it’s straight to the snacks from the shop, then lunch, then more snacks from the shop. she will be eating until midnight.

I really don’t know why it’s winding me up so much- I just want to shout well if you’re so unhappy stop eating everything!

i think I just need to bite my tongue and get though the next four days. Our friendship is normally fine but we’re shopping for a day, grab a meal or coffee type friends usually.

You are very much like my DM but she does it with complete strangers. Why do you care how she looks?

I’d probably feel similarly to you OP, if I’m honest about it.
If you’re with someone on holiday then you feel the repercussions of their behaviour/ personal expression as well. I’d also find it difficult if someone was moaning about something (anything) continuously and it would put a downer on my holiday. I suppose chalk it up to experience. YANBU.

This. YANBU OP if she doesnt normally act or behave this way then you're justified in feeling put out as long as you arent critical or rude to her.

No, I'm autistic and everyone looks the same to me.

It would be the constant moaning about her weight whilst doing nothing about it that would annoy me. How she dresses wouldn’t bother me as long as she was happy and confident with her size. The being morbidly obese and constantly eating is only going to negatively affect her and if that’s how she wants to live her life then that’s fine.

but it does grate when people moan non stop and don’t even try and make changes. I had a couple of friends that were like that (and incredibly toxic in other ways) that I decided to let the friendships drift with. I got bored of their constant moaning whilst eating and drinking to excess and almost looking down on me (making negative comments every time I saw them) because I decided to improve my fitness and loose weight.

Exactly. If only weight loss was as simple as seeing fat pictures of yourself!

Enjoy your holiday and stop being boring. What someone else decides to wear is none of your business, and I hope this friend blocks you upon landing home.

I’d find it hard to cope with that. She is overcompensating for her shame by behaving like this, it’s not emotionally mature or psychologically healthy behaviour hence it makes you feel uncomfortable. This is where she is mentally right now, not sure what you do as if you challenge her at all she is likely to get really upset or lash out. Eeek

That is quite a scathing report @BeachBaby997 , which leads me to ask - have you actually been a friend and said something to her?

My friends would ask me what I'm doing about the 'issue' and continue along those lines, because that's what friends do.

so, OP, there is clearly an issue.

So, when you get back home, as soon as there is a comment from your "friend" about how she is overweight, Ask her if she wants an intervention, advice, or just to listen to her.

If she wants honesty say "yes, you are" and so on. "people say i look 13/14 [stones]" say, no, i weigh 13 and we don't look the same.

but you don't seem to like her so just back out slowly?

But it’s true that she may need help, and it’s true that her being overweight is the result of behaviour that the OP has observed. I don’t understand your objection to the word "behaviour".

I agree that she needs to make the decision to do something about it herself, but you still haven’t shown at all that I was advocating "lecturing" her or "telling her off".

You’ve made me realise that yes, I have read 5 pages of this thread mentally allocating some posters as “eating disorder” “mentally unhealthy” “bully” “being a right old bitch” and these are the same snap judgements.

for me, I don’t care what people at the beach look like. It’s none of my business and I don’t place value judgements on weight the way others do. But I do judge people who are obsessed with weight and it’s not that different when it comes down to it.

I don’t think your feelings are unreasonable at all but I do think you must just keep them to yourself and do your best to act normal and have a happy time.

She seems to have food addiction and won’t be able to control her eating so there is no point saying anything.

You both need to make the most of the holiday and you need to ignore these issues.

She’ll need help when she’s ready for it, anything before then is just meddling. “Behaviour” implies bad behaviour. That may not have been your intention.

In fairness, you didn’t. You suggested coordinating photos to encourage her to see her fat self something about it. That’s not the same, because it’s more sly and actually worse.

Why not tell her? Body positivity has gone mad to the point where people can be as unhealthy and undressed as they want and we all have to say "power to you".
No one mentions weight unless you are skinny... and then all the world's judgment is on you.

I can only tell you it worked for me. Seeing the reality of how I appeared to others made me realise I was kidding myself and in denial about how I looked (like OP's friend, by the sound of it) and was the final push I needed to make my decision to change things. Yes, it was up to me.

The loud behaviour and trashy clothing would bother me the most. She sounds like a person who you could easily identify as a Brit abroad. Her behaviour exemplifies why so many people in Europe dislike having us in their country as tourists. Endorsing child labour/unethical practises by purchasing from Shein and Temu isn't great either.

I think part of this is that life is easier sometimes from the outside in. Your friend probably doesn't realise how she looks in the cheap barely there clothes and doesn't have the self awareness that her presentation and demeanour could be embarrassing for you. There could be a part of you that resents the fact she eats so much but doesn't care how she looks and you are one of her friends so that also impacts you. It's so difficult talking to someone about their weight I really wouldn't bother. Try the Let Them theory and let your friend be herself. You can decide if the friendship is worth the public embarrassment you feel. I feel for you and I also feel for your friend because what you look like and wear shouldn't really matter in the big scheme of things.

You're not a friend and at 13/14 stone yourself, you're hardly a beach goddess. People have probably privately labelled you the fat lasses, and classed you both as overweight unhealthy young women. If I were you, I'd address my own weight issues before passing judgement on others. And she can wear what the heck she wants on holiday.

Fat, inappropriate clothing, buying from unethical suppliers, loud and irrepressibly greedy. You’ve covered a lot of ground OP.

Well, we'll just have to disagree. Realising how I appeared in unguarded moments to others worked for me, and I absolutely do not think that the actions of a concerned friend in trying tactfully (without comment) to encourage someone to be realistic about an unhealthy lifestyle and choose for themselves to do something to remedy it should be thought of as bad or described as "sly".

Why tell her though? She’s not an idiot, she knows she’s overweight.

you can say it’s unhealthy but what would be the point of telling a smoker friend to stop? A friend who drinks alcohol to stop? They’d rightly tell you to bog off and ask you who you think you are.

people do think they can comment on weight, under the guise of health, when it’s really about a values judgement of fat people.

Anyone who moans all the time about something they can control is intensely annoying, doesn't matter that the topic is weight. I'd find her very irritating.

Could you keep her for an at home friend? Whilst not wishing to end the friendship, you do sound as if you feel uncomfortable being seen with her and her behaviour. You will need to change this if it irks you. You are not obliged to put up with it but do it without hurting her.

Agreed!