I’m embarrassed my by friends weight

[BeachBaby997]

I feel horrible, I genuinely do. Don’t really know how to shake it off. Been friends for many years but never gone abroad together. Currently away and we both needed the break. We are both in our 30’s

The issue is my friend is really scantly dressed. Friend is 5ft, about 20 stone in her own admission. I’m not skinny myself and weigh about 13, so it’s not a jab. I do think I dress for the figure I have though. Nice summer dresses, midi dresses.

My friend always dresses lovely at home but on this holiday she’s wearing barely anything. The tiniest bikinis possible, even her dresses are cropped so her bum is really out, belly is out. She’s also quite a loud person in general and I can see people looking at us in the street. She’s wearing a lot from Temu and shein and the material is just hardly there. Today it’s tiny tiny shorts and a crop top.

she also spends 90% moaning about her weight, saying she hates it etc but does not stop eating. She then twists it and says “I don’t look 20 stone do I? Everyone says I look about 13/14”

We go for breakfast and she has 3 plates, then it’s straight to the snacks from the shop, then lunch, then more snacks from the shop. she will be eating until midnight.

I really don’t know why it’s winding me up so much- I just want to shout well if you’re so unhappy stop eating everything!

i think I just need to bite my tongue and get though the next four days. Our friendship is normally fine but we’re shopping for a day, grab a meal or coffee type friends usually.

I think some people are uncomfortable with behaviour that draws attention, whether that be loudness or a style of dress. If that's you, then you need to decide which matters more, the friendship or your discomfort and choose accordingly. I don't like to see eating of the type you describe either, as it's wasteful, time consuming and sometimes not well mannered. Nor do I like people constantly talking about their weight. However, I'm far from perfect and tend to think if people accept my flaws I should accept theirs if overall they're a decent person.

I wish people had been more honest with me id always been skinny and then I got hypothyroidism and stacked the weight on and its like my brain didn't catch up I just couldn't see it. I knew I had gained weight as I went up clothes sizes but didn't realise how bad it was. The photo I have is shocking and absolutely never saw what I saw in that photo in the mirror.

You need a reset. Obviously holidays are the worst for over- indulging, but it depends on what kind of holiday. What worked for me was a kind of retreat for a few days where all the food was provided but there were lots of classes and exercise and interesting activities, and people to talk to during the meals. I had no chocolate (my weakness) for four days! I lost enough weight to get back into my favourite clothes and I've been able to realise my triggers (like chocolate with breakfast, which means I then have it after lunch, etc) and can mostly resist because I don't want to slip back.
I hope you can find a way to break the cycle.

You don’t sound like a good friend.

Completely disagree. Your friend is living her best Temu/Shein fantasy and you’re clutching your pearls because she dared to eat breakfast. Are you on holiday or an episode of Supersize vs Superskinny?

I really hope you're not somewhere like Turkey. Skimpy clothing is seen as disrespectful and it will reflect badly on you too if you're with her. But in any case, I would be embarrassed.
I think I'd tell her I'm on a health kick and ask her to join me in losing weight. She sounds as if she's kidding herself.

OP I think you just don’t like your friend anymore. It happens, we all change and change who we want to be friends with.

your friend is allowed to live her authentic self. Some people would love that for their friends and celebrate it. Some people have less confidence and worry more about what other people think and find it embarrassing. Both are ok ways to live but it’s your responsibility to decide which one you are and don’t lead your friend on thinking that you want to spend time with her when you don’t. Be brave!

YANBU. I would hate going on vacation with somebody loud and in skanty clothing- they just seem like attention seekers no matter how much they weigh.

And talking about weight non-stop is tiring- I've got a slim friend who does this and now I just tell her straight out that I'm not interested in talking about that subject.

@BeachBaby997 I think you judge yourself to harshly- even if she was skinny she sounds really annoying. She does have an eating disorder though and seems to be obsessed about food- def recommend the weight loss jab if you care about her physical and mental health.

I wouldn't want to be on holiday with her - both because of her clothing and loudness, and also because of her constant complaining about her weight, coupled with stuffing herself at every opportunity. Going on holiday with a friend you don't know well is often a challenge, and it looks like you'll just have to get through the rest of it, then dial down the friendship afterwards.

I hate the phrase "authentic self" because too often it seems to be used to justify any behaviour. How do you know that the super-large version is the friend's "authentic self"? Maybe her authentic self is very slim and she needs help to get back to it.

Everyone judges people, it's human nature. It's how we act on it that counts - in your case I can see why you're frustrated, but you're not voicing it so biting your tongue is the way forwards.
I would find dressing scantly at a very large weight a bit cringe, but not really an issue.
I wouldn't usually hang around with loud people so YABU to be annoyed about this if she's your friend despite you knowing she's like this.
I couldn't get over the complaining about weight yet eating huge amounts of food. I can't stand people who complain with absolutely no intention of doing anything about it! I'd probably not mention it on holiday, as it'll be awkward. but if she continued to complain when you get home you could politely ask if she's thought about how she can make this better for herself - has she thought about any particular diets or does she have a plan to address her concerns about her weight? If not then you can just tell her to stop moaning about it, or steer the conversation to how other people have overcome their weight issues and maybe she could try it, or ignore and move on the conversation.

I understand your feelings. I am older and although I'm in good shape for my age and am often taken for being younger, I've made my peace that I don't have the body I once had and some items of clothing on me are not in good taste and just look a bit sad. Your friend is wearing almost nothing, is in danger of falling out of what she is wearing and is very loud. Yes, i would be embarrassed about her behaviour rather than her weight per se.

It’s one thing for the friend to see that she’s (massively) overweight in photos taken that she’s in.

another thing entirely for the photos to be ‘staged’ en masse for the purpose of making it more obvious to the friend that she’s massively overweight and dressing ridiculously.

There's plenty of medication available for suppressing appetite, not just the jabs. A low carb diet is often the quickest route to weight loss. People like that who moan about their weight but don't do anything about it are a pain. Just like people stuck in toxic situations who won't try and get out of them. I don't blame you for being fed up. Just don't go on holiday with her again.

I think this is a good point and it is very possible that the half naked Loud person is not the friends authentic self

however, that is zero business of OP, me or you. We have neither knowledge or concern about what the friend is like and her life experiences

It can feel like a bit of a boundary violation when someone puts pressure on you to deny reality and collude with them in their denial.

I wonder if that is what's making you angry?

The title here is quite telling

'I am embarrassed by my friends weight"

Not her dress sense, not her behaviour - her weight.

Do you think having an overweight friend reflects on you?

Maybe the person she is and wants to be, is her business and everyone else can either love her for who she is, or go away.

I would absolutely not be friends with anyone who lectured me about my body. It’s not theirs, they don’t live in it, and I’d tell them to either mind their own business or get lost.

If she wants help, she’ll ask for it, and she won’t lose weight until she wants to and is ready. Nobody needs judgemental friends who tell them off.

Holidays can be make or break for friendships, this sounds really frustrating and I'd feel the same.

You're obviously embarrassed by her on general. Maybe your not really her friend.

This type of advice doesn't work. People only come to a realisation about their weight gain themselves at their own time, no one else can nudge you or cajole you or trick you into it.

It won’t work and it’s toxic.

I don’t like photos of myself, still isn’t enough to make me lay off the carbs yet. Might be one day, but that’ll be up to me!

Nowhere have I advocated that the OP should "lecture" her friend or "tell her off", so I don’t know why you are implying that I have.

You did say she “may” need help to get to a skinny self, and refer to being overweight as “behaviour.”

Until she asks for help, or starts doing it for herself, she doesn’t need anything.

It’s giving “former fat person” smug, and it’s gross.

When you get home, could you suggest an exercise plan for you both, weight watchers or something, support each other.
It might be the nudge she needs to