AIBU to ask my housemate if my boyfriend can stay over for the night?

[RealAquaCat]

Hello!
So I’ve been living with a friend/work colleague for almost a year now after my last relationship broke down. It’s been working well and has allowed me time to save up a house deposit.
However, here is where it isn’t working so well…

I’ve been with my current boyfriend for several months, and most weekends I will stay at his house. He has stayed here 3 times in total, only when my housemate won’t be home. We live about 35 miles apart, and a few weeks back I asked my housemate if my partner could spend the night one Friday as it would help me out a lot since we had something planned close to our location the next morning. She responded by saying ‘are you okay to go to his house instead?’ I was a little confused as it didn’t seem like a big deal, and would have saved me a 70 mile return journey - but she basically told me no. I’m assuming it’s because she would be home that night.

I would like him to stay for a night this weekend, as again, we have something planned close by the next morning. However, now I feel really awkward about asking. I’m in my 30’s yet I feel like I’m a teenager asking my parents if my boyfriend can stay! I pay rent to my housemate, and we would be out of her way if that’s what she wants. Am I unreasonable to think it should be okay for him to stay literally just once in a while?

Thank you!

I think you need to have a frank conversation with her about this, making it very clear, once again, that it would not be a regular occurrence. My feeling is she needs reassurance. Though the house is rented and you pay your share, it is still basically her home first and foremost.

There are a few things to be considered. One is the bathroom. I am presuming there is only one in a two bedroomed house.

If you can talk about this openly, letting her air any misgivings, reassuring her, I feel she would be OK with him staying sometimes. It certainly would make life easier for you. However she needs to relax, Perhaps once she has met your boyfriend, she'll like him and be fine, particularly if he is laid back and pleasant, courteous and considerate. Only you know that at the moment.

Talk and see how it goes. It's lovely that you now have a nice chap and I wish you well.

I think this changes things, I was going to say YABU but if she has men she’s romantically involved with over at the house but yet doesn’t allow you to bring your boyfriend over that seems a bit unfair legalities aside.

She may be entitled to lay down the law like that as the lead tenant but it seems unfair. I lived with a landlord like that, she rented the whole place and subletted the room to me
and she had all these rules for me which seemingly didn’t apply to her. I left after a few months to a one bed flat owned by a friend who lived abroad!

All that being said you have a choice - move out now and salvage the friendship or else you might grow resentful as well not being able to do what you want to do in your home.

I lodged with a woman for a while when I relocated cities. We both had boyfriends. Hers stayed over for at least half of every week. I wasn't allowed to have mine stay. That was one of the reasons I moved out after 9 months.

But as its her tenancy (regardless of whether there is a formal tenancy agreement or not) it's her rule that counts. Put up with it or move out.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to want to bring your BF back from time to time, but your issue is that it sounds like you are in a more precarious situation than your housemate. You are not on the lease, you’re effectively subletting from her, and the rental is through her family member. If she wants to kick you out, she’s going to be able to. You aren’t going to be able to stay if she’s unhappy.

So I think you need a sit down chat with her about why she isn’t okay with you bringing your BF back when she’s there, even though she brings her partners back when you’re there. See what she says and take it from there.

My partner lives in a similar arrangement.
His friend is the tenant and was there first. My partner pays a set amount including bills. The landlord is aware and happy. I could stay over whenever I want. The only time we asked for any permission was if I could bring my dog .
We tend to stay at mine as it's cleaner 😆

You're not unreasonable to ask and if she still says no then I think it's fair of her to give you a little more of an explanation. Apparently she's not against having boyfriends stay over (although she may put her boyfriend in a different category from yours for some reason) and she knows/likes your boyfriend and doesn't mind if he stays when she's away, so perhaps she just doesn't want too many people in the house overnight or won't feel as relaxed with someone else there?

It sounds like you gave in pretty easily last time; I might try something more like telling her Dave will be staying over x night because the 2 of you have to be at your location at z time the next morning, and if she says can you stay at his say no, it's too far away. She may still say no and I wouldn't have him stay if she does - but you may at least get a better idea of what she's thinking. If this were a completely equal housemate situation then the two of you would probably have discussed overnight guests before moving in together.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. She rents the place and you rent a room from her and split the cost. She’s had people stay the night. I understand she may not like it that much having someone round she doesn’t know too well but that’s part of the downside of flat sharing. I can’t see why it’d be fair for her to have people over but not you. I guess because she rents from a family member she feels like she kind of has more claim to the place? I think you can only speak to her and maybe say you’re planning for your BF to stay on x night because you have an event the next day and just letting her know (as opposed to asking permission). If she takes issue, you might need to start looking for somewhere else.

No, it’s not unreasonable.

Then she has no right to say you can't.

What's good for the goose and all that

If she is that financially desperate that you stay, then I would let her know that I am looking to find a place with a more reasonable flatmate

I think you're getting a really hard time about this. Of course she should let him stay over. As you've already said, he's not a random. What wouldn't be cool is him starting to stay all the time though.

No, housemates have both a contract and both carry responsibilities. This is not the case here. The friend has the contract and op is the lodger

Well she's the lead tenant and subletting unofficially to you. I'd say yes generally you have to stick to her rules or move out. She obviously doesn't want your boyfriend there so if you don't like it, move out.

Ok but your other half is still a lodger I. This case and it’s up to the main renter to decide what they are comfortable with. As is op’s friend.

I had a friend lodge with me for a few years and I wouldn't have dreamt of saying she couldn't have her fella round. I mean obvs no loud bedroom noises but its ridiculous for her to say no.

As others have said, just tell her he's staying (in a respectful way) and let her bring it up if she's unhappy. Then you can have a discussion. But keep it minimal stays.

It's probably worth building a deposit fund if you don't already have one just in case this does go sour. You'll be able to move straight out.

Her family member is technically your landlord, your friend has no say at all in who you bring over, as you've stated she's not your landlord. Don't ask permission anymore from her for anything. If she thinks she has a say, remind her.

I think you have to respect the fact that she doesn’t want him to stay over. She has her own reasons. She is helping you out: even though you pay rent it isn’t that much as you are able to save. You have to make the effort to go to his or you can both fork out for a hotel.

if I was generous to have a friend stay with me I would not want to hear her and her bf having sex and wouldn’t want a man I don’t know in my house. So, it is a no from me.

No, housemates have both a contract and both carry responsibilities. This is not the case here. The friend has the contract and op is the lodger

Exactly. The friend has the tenancy, and she invited OP to move in and help with the rent. It makes no odds that her landlord is a family member. She's still the tenant.

Unless @RealAquaCat has signed a tenancy agreement, in legal terms, her friend is the tenant and she is a lodger. There's no getting around it.

Personally I think that the friend shouldn't be splitting the rent equally if she's going to restrict OP from having the same rights to have visitors as she has, though.

Does she think it'll become a regular arrangement?

Do you split the rent/bills 50/50?

The difference is, if the OP's friend has visitors, and they damage anything, the OP's friend will be responsible.

If the OP has visitors/boyfriends around and there's damage... the OP's friend will end up being responsible too.

So no, the responsibilities are not equal. The OP and her friend may be paying the same for rent, but the OP's friend holds a much larger responsibility than OP, and has to accordingly be more cautious about who she allows in the house. She is the one who will respond personally for any issues. Anything that breaks, disappears or is damaged in any way will end up being her responsibility. If the OP and her boyfriend have an argument and the neighbours complain, the OP's friend will have to respond for it. If the OP's boyfriend refused to leave or threatened the OP's friend, then it would be the OP's friend's problem too. All situations that happen with enough frequency in the rental world that she may want to avoid the risk. It is clear by the OP's description that the OP's friend is uncomfortable having people she has not personally chosen to stay in the house. And I think she has good reasons for it.

If the OP does not like this, she has the option of moving out, and her friend will look for another lodger.

So shes allowed people to stay over, but you can't.....? Regardless of the housing arrangements (it reads house share to me byw) I would call her out on her double standards.

The people she has had stay over, did you know them etc? Another poster has a valid point of not paying half, if you're having to go
to.his on weekends.

I think people are reading too much into my post and making it something that it isn’t

Well, then, you haven't explained it properly.

I wouldn't have a strange man staying in my house either.

It's a family home, remember that.

Can't you go to his?

Sorry, @RealAquaCat , you aren't in a flat share, you are a lodger. As such, you can't have overnight guests unless the tenant, your colleague, agrees.

It doesn't matter how much rent you pay. It doesn't matters that she rents from a family member. It doesn't matter whether she has guests to stay or not.

You are not equals sharing a home. She has the legal responsibilities so she calls the shots.

That doesn't stop you asking. Nor stop you moving out if she's intransigent about this.

If I needed the money from my lodger to afford the rent, which is the case here, I’d consider very carefully that my rules are reasonable and fair so my needed lodger doesn’t piss off and I’m interviewing complete strangers as fast as I can to come and live with me as I need their money.

This.