AIBU to ask my housemate if my boyfriend can stay over for the night?

[RealAquaCat]

Hello!
So I’ve been living with a friend/work colleague for almost a year now after my last relationship broke down. It’s been working well and has allowed me time to save up a house deposit.
However, here is where it isn’t working so well…

I’ve been with my current boyfriend for several months, and most weekends I will stay at his house. He has stayed here 3 times in total, only when my housemate won’t be home. We live about 35 miles apart, and a few weeks back I asked my housemate if my partner could spend the night one Friday as it would help me out a lot since we had something planned close to our location the next morning. She responded by saying ‘are you okay to go to his house instead?’ I was a little confused as it didn’t seem like a big deal, and would have saved me a 70 mile return journey - but she basically told me no. I’m assuming it’s because she would be home that night.

I would like him to stay for a night this weekend, as again, we have something planned close by the next morning. However, now I feel really awkward about asking. I’m in my 30’s yet I feel like I’m a teenager asking my parents if my boyfriend can stay! I pay rent to my housemate, and we would be out of her way if that’s what she wants. Am I unreasonable to think it should be okay for him to stay literally just once in a while?

Thank you!

This would also be my reason for saying no to (fairly new!) boyfriends staying over.

I see there have been drip feeds that I haven’t read. The fact that it is a family member’s house makes her stance more understandable. I agree that it doesn’t matter how much she charges op. She could actually have charged more than half the actual rent in order to make a bit of a profit.

There's a housing crisis, in case you didn't know. She'll have no problem finding another lodger, especially at such a reasonable rent.

Hopefully, it will be one who understands that consent is not transferable and knows how to take take 'no' for an answer. Even when the 'no' is from somebody with a vagina.

Oh, and OP... here's hoping you find yourself a bf who isn't too cheap to spring for a night in a hotel.

Sorry, I meant the friend’s stance is understandable, not OP’s.

In legal terms, you're her lodger.

It doesn't matter if you don't call yourself that, or she doesn't - thems the facts and if she decides to kick you out without notice, you're standing on no legs.

So with that in mind - I would tread carefully - explain that you'd occasionally like your boyfriend to stay over, not so that you can have a wild night of passion with all the accompanying noises, but for practical reasons.

If this is never going to be acceptable to her, you're going to have to start looking for somewhere else to live.

But as I say, tread carefully because if you piss her off she could sling you out on your ear with no notice, and there is nothing you can do about that.

Well in all the house shares I was in while saving I was given a basic room rental agreement even tho I had run of the house to and clearly every single one of those said no overnight guests which I agreed to before signing. When I wanted friends or bfs to stay would book Travelodge or premier inn. If I'm not on the actual house lease I don't have all the rights of the one who does.

If people here are misreading the dynamic and its a genuine house share, rather than you renting a room from her dynamic where she sets the rules, why did you even ask her permission then? Just have your boyfriend around?

I don't think it is.

As OP isn't on lease. Sadly the tenant (the friend) can set the rules.

I wouldn't like it if i was OP... Try and negotiate with pal or move out to a proper shared tenancy.

Everyone who's ever been in this situation knows that what starts out as "once in a blue moon" ends up with him living there full time.

She is your landlady. It is her family’s home. I feel that you are very ungrateful
and a bit of a CF.

Really? They’re both paying half each for a rented house that happens to be in friend’s name. They both don’t get equal use of the house. I would say the friend is a cheeky fucker, and good luck when the OP moves out .

I mean it's not unreasonable, but you have no rights to insist if she doesn't want it to happen. So whether it's unreasonable or not is irrelevant.

This

I understand it feels unfair but she’s probably cognisant of the real danger of an occasional overnight turning into almost every night. You are the junior partner in this arrangement, which means she has the final say. Only you can decide if the inconvenience of not having your bf stay occasionally, outweighs the convenience of renting from her.

You both rent! ?

tell her to absolutely fuck the fuck off.

The problem is that often one night can somehow lead to them being there all weekend- lounging on the sofa in their boxers in the morning- sometimes it’s best just to avoid it altogether

Hi,

I lived in shared houses for years before I bought a house with my husband.

I think that in shared houses there can often be a sort of pecking order, that is unrelated to legal stuff, and is just down to the force of personality of the people in the house.

It sounds as though your housemate feels she is higher in the pecking order because the house belongs to a relative and because she was there first.

From a practical standpoint, it's a little more complicated because she can't afford the house without you. You could move out to another house where your boyfriend is welcome, but that would be a hassle with all sorts of unknowns.

I think what it comes down to is that you want your boyfriend to stay over and she doesn't. She can't manage without your rents, and you don't want to have to move out.

I think you might need to have a chat with her about what it is that you both want and how badly you want it.

Either she will capitulate and say your boyfriend can stay, or she might refuse, in which case you say that it's not worth the hassle of sharing with her.

It's a very delicate discussion and not easy to do when you've already tried and been knocked back.

Sorry this isn't super helpful. I think you just need to try to talk to her again. If you can't get sense into her, then you think about moving elsewhere, or getting your own place.

FWIW, I had this situation once and what I did was to find a large empty rented house, take the lease myself, and then find three others to move in with me. That moved me up the pecking order a bit and then I could live the way I wanted to. A little while later we got a new housemate who was really difficult to live with and things got harder again.

It's a bizarre thing, but that just seems to be how it is.

I think part of the problem is you feel like you are sharing this home with her as in you pay half the rent - but by asking her permission for your boyfriend to stay over you are acting like a lodger.

As you have no paperwork / no lease was signed your position is really unclear but I would hazard a guess you are seen as someone who is subletting from her, as she has the main relationship with the landlord.

You need to decide how long you want to live there and what you want to change. In theory you could just start having your boyfriend stay over but it sounds likely this might upset her and it will be you leaving not her if the relationship breaks down.

You just need to decide what you ideally want and sit down and chat with her. You might find she is willing to negotiate ie like maybe your boyfriend stays over once a week. At the moment if you are paying half rent, but living at his a few nights a week, she’s getting the house to herself often and might be prepared to compromise.

Have you considered she has met him a lot but doesn't feel comfortable with him staying overnight. Maybe she doesn't like men much. Maybe she has been abused in the past.

She is uncomfortable with it. So don’t ask again. You’re able to save money by sharing with her, so focus on that and get your own place in due course. Can’t you get a cheap hotel close to where you need to be. Premier Inns etc are super inexpensive, especially if you’re going halves with your boyfriend.

The other thing is, she will be worried that it’ll go from an occasional ask to a regular one, so she’s trying to establish her boundaries.

I wouldn’t have asked.

You just need to say John staying over friday night as we have X in the morning. We’ll be gone by 8am.

No discussion.

I used to own my first home and had a lodger - never occurred to me to say no to overnight guests.

Because she's her lodger its not a houseshare.

If you're sharing a rental equally you should have equal say in what is acceptable and what's not.

If she rents the house and you rent a room off her then you are her lodger no matter that it’s not a home she owns. Leave & go into a houseshare or accept the situation I thinknare your two options.

This. Because it’s not just an overnight, is it?

She probably feels uneasy having a strange man in her home. Her house her rules