Seaweed gate

[Seasick201]

AIBU?
Had a big argument with my boyfriend this morning and I don’t know if I’m in the wrong.
Last night he came upstairs while I was in bed and asked who did the washing up. I said me, and he said it was filthy, then stormed off. A few minutes later he shouted from the bathroom asking why there was “seaweed” in the shower. I said I’d clean it off in the morning.
This morning he didn’t speak when we woke up, so I just got on with getting our daughter ready. He came in and demanded to know why I’d been using his pillow (I genuinely didn’t realise). Then when he went in the shower he started on at me again, saying I thought you were going to clean it up. I said I would, but I was busy with DD at the time. He then completely lost it and called me a “fat pig”.
After that he left for work — but left both the door and the gate wide open so the dog got out and I had to chase her down the street.
I’m upset and angry, but also second guessing myself. AIBU?

Ah, 'females'.

He sounds unpleasant. If it’s a one off then that’s more bearable than if he’s always like it. If he’s always like it, with constant low-grade criticism, you’ll eventually be so worn down and conditioned you won’t know up from down - that’s abuse.

If you’re doing everything - all the cleaning, cooking, washing up etc - then he’s no right to criticise. If he doesn’t like your standards he needs to do it himself or put up and shut up.

If you’re a SAHM and he’s out doing his big important job during the day, he doesn’t get to check out of home life and responsibilities. Most jobs are 35-40hr working weeks, whereas SAHM (or dad) tends to default to 24/7/365 if the other parent is an arsehole. Same if you work part-time/less than him - he still needs to step up and be an adult.

Nothing, absolutely nothing can justify that man insulting the OP in the way he did. She said she would clean the mess but couldn't just then because she was busy doing something else. He should have stepped up (why should OP do everything??) and be courteous like any decent human being, which I suspect he is not.

It is the opposite of what you are saying, OP is the 'you' in that situation, but whenever she doesn't do it to the highest of standards, or she leaves something till later, he has a go about it, or uses it as an excuse to kick off.. in front of their two year old daughter no less.

I'm really not sure how you've failed to comprehend OPs situation.

OP, it is nothing to do with the shower or the pots, and is 100% to do with him just wanting to have a go at you, if he did genuinely call you a fat pig in front of your daughter how can you possibly forgive that?

Oh, isn’t it wonderful to be perfect?!?! Was he born that way or has he studied at the Institute for Perfection to enable him to qualified enough to treat you in such a deplorable manner?
I wonder if this wonderful specimen never splashes the loo seat, never leaves skiddies in the pan, never drops crumbs when eating a sandwich, never leaves a ring on the worktop when making a cuppa, never inadvertently uses someone else pillow ( what the fuck is that all about ) ………..what a wonderful, sparkly clean, individual! I bet he shits glitter too,

FFS OP, you are worth more than that, walk away and don’t look back!

OMG - just seen you’re the breadwinner! FFS, get rid and get things back to how they were when you lived apart. Bliss - get that back for you and your daughter before she’s also walking on eggshells and assumes relationships are meant to be like this.

Loads of people have childhoood trauma and /or depression but don’t treat the people they love badly. Often it’s quite the opposite. Your daughter deserves more and so do you.

Well on reflection, it could be a woman; there certainly are plenty of women who like to do the "what about the man I just made up" thing. They don't tend to take on imperious tones that attempt to patronise and refer to women as "females", though.

Either way, two things are certain. One, this poster isn't like other girls one way or another, and two, we don't have to worry about the man they just made up over the woman getting verbally abused and having things thrown at her for being a bit messy.

OP, don't doubt yourself.
You are being abused.
As is your poor daughter.
Get organised today.
Start planning on getting away.
Ask for help from family, friends, Women's aid.

Is he always a bullying cunt or just when he's in a bad mood?

Have his bags packed when he gets home and tell him to leave

I guess she will make up her own mind about that in due course.

Have you pointed you the irony of him now putting his DD through childhood trauma?

He is a grown adult and his behaviour is his responsibility.

Beg your pardon, I didn't read it all, too many pages! Apologies and will read in future!

What?! I presumed you were a SAHM, as he expects you to do all the housework — and that would still be a cheek as you have a child to look after!

On top of that, He always goes back to saying how it’s just childhood trauma meaning he can’t deal with issues like normal!

So he’s a lazy, shiftless, bad-tempered and demanding freeloader. And as you’ve said, you were happy when you lived apart.

The solution is obvious, OP. Even if you can put up with his behaviour, your DD shouldn’t have to. Don’t let her grow up seeing your relationship as a model of what she should expect.

Well she will do when she has kids and you tell her that rather than looking after them she should clean her house more- must keep her partner happy.

If nothing else, read the OP's posts - you can filter on that easily enough, I do that frequently on long threads especially those which get derailed.

I just said I will read in future and I apologised. Ok?

Yep.

'Little female daughter.'

😬

Yes I did miss it, yes I have apologised (in another post) and nothing in my post is apologising for male abusive behaviour. It is a mistake not to have read it all, for which I have apologised. Hope that is enough for you.

And you chose this man to be the father of your child?

PP just gave you a useful tip that you can choose to see all the OP’s posts. Nothing to take offence at.

She does all the cleaning and is the breadwinner.
You sound like a misogynistic bully.

So many pollyannas on here, as though the slight mess is the most important thing

OP, my DH has much higher standards for cleanliness than I do and he often gets frustrated at my lack of attention to skirting boards and such, but he has never once called me names, thrown anything at me or endangered our pets over it. Please start making plans, please keep this thread going as support.

Absolutely, my thoughts exactly.