Seaweed gate

[Seasick201]

AIBU?
Had a big argument with my boyfriend this morning and I don’t know if I’m in the wrong.
Last night he came upstairs while I was in bed and asked who did the washing up. I said me, and he said it was filthy, then stormed off. A few minutes later he shouted from the bathroom asking why there was “seaweed” in the shower. I said I’d clean it off in the morning.
This morning he didn’t speak when we woke up, so I just got on with getting our daughter ready. He came in and demanded to know why I’d been using his pillow (I genuinely didn’t realise). Then when he went in the shower he started on at me again, saying I thought you were going to clean it up. I said I would, but I was busy with DD at the time. He then completely lost it and called me a “fat pig”.
After that he left for work — but left both the door and the gate wide open so the dog got out and I had to chase her down the street.
I’m upset and angry, but also second guessing myself. AIBU?

He's grown now, it'd be good of him to break that cycle and not bring that trauma into yours and your DDs life tbh, over something so silly as seaweed and some messy dishes. Bloody hell the amount of times I or my husband has rewashed something the other has done without comment, what is the big deal!?

And seaweed in the shower, god forbid, I bet it wasn't a huge bit of kelp it'd just have been a tiny sprig surely, again my husband would have just wiped it out of the shower or mentioned it and not been angry if it was still there.

Unless he's doing all the housework and feels frustrated that when you do it you're messy he's so unreasonable and borderline abusive nicking away at you like that and giving the silent treatment. That takes alot of vitriol to fuel that long.

So you went tramping home like the creature from the black lagoon?
I cannot picture in my head still having seaweed on you after a sea swim.
Why cant you clean dishes properly?
Do you have form for not cleaning properly and your dp has had enough?

Why on earth are you inventing the possibility that the OP might have said something abusive?

The P here WAS abusive. Why are you searching for a 'she made him do it' or 'she's as bad'?

We only ever hear one side of any argument on these boards. Why are you casting doubt on the OP talking about abusive male behaviour?

(1) kick the angry man out and (2) get a dishwasher. But mainly (1).

Did she also throw a bin back at him, @BeLilacSloth? Like a rubbish version of Catch?

Yes! This. OP you need to not leave seaweed in your shower - but in the grand scheme of things it's the 80kg extra weight you need to not have lying around your house. Get that sorted first. You're not a team.

we did live apart for 10 months (because of moving etc) and it was bliss - I never had to worry about someone being upset by what I do and I just got on with it.

His reaction was OTT, but to be honest, if you often don't clean up after yourself, or do it properly then it does start to get a person down. I lived with someone like that, everything and I mean absolutely everything was left for me to clean. Have a can of coke while watching TV? Leaves the can and dregs on the sofa, spilling the remnants. Spills food, left it. Open a letter? Leaves envelope. Never hoovered, never cooked, rarely washed up, never did the washing, his idea of cleaning the loo was to put bleach in it, nothing else. Ironed clothes I left for him in a neat pile to put away would stay there for weeks, getting sat on, dirty clothes chucked on top of or left on the floor. It was endless little bits that started to build up into big resentment and also destroy our relationship. Felt like his mother.

While he should never talk to you like that, I also think that if you're anything like my ex was that it's time to be honest with yourself and make an effort. Nobody should ask for perfection but an effort goes a long way.

Oh OP. You know the answer. There is a better, safer, happier life for you ahead, without this man. Do friends and family know what he's like? Sorry if I've missed this upthread.

Has anything at all that the OP has posted since her original post gone in at all? Her comment that she does almost all the housework for example?

This isn't on. Does he speak to his colleagues like this? How would you deal with this if a colleague spoke to you like this?

He is utterly disrespectful of you and what you do for the family.

His excuse about childhood trauma isn't good enough because if he lived alone he would have to do these things for himself.

He knows he is behaving badly because he tells you, yet he does nothing to change his behaviour.

I think you know this and I hope you're posting because you want other people to tell you that you're absolutely right, you're not going mad and this is terrible behaviour.

And I hope that's what you're getting from this thread. If you're trying to be everything he wants you to be and still can't get it right for him, then you must leave as soon as it is safe for you to do so. Particularly if you do something "right" and then he sets a new higher standard about something else.

I hope you feel supported by us.

OP you're happier and more relaxed when he's not there. That more or less says it all. Your DD also picks those vibes up. You know what you should do...

This.

Did you miss the bit about the P being abusive and verbally abusive? And everything else the OP has said?

The apologists for vile male behaviour on this thread are depressing.

But a woman would/could never be an abuser according to people on here.

You're really showing who you are here, you know that?

The fact that he stormed off leaving door and gate wide open knowing the dog would escape says it all really. Big old baby.

The apologists for vile male behaviour on this thread are depressing.

Agreed. I can't be bothered challenging them individually but special mention for @BeLilacSloth. Your efforts at attempting to justify this appalling man's behaviour are simultaneously impressive and depressing.

Nonsense. If the sexes were reversed I'd say exactly the same about a woman who behaved like this.

Having read your updates OP, do please take steps to leave.
You and your DC will have a much happier life without him.

Then he can't have a relationship like normal and he needs to be single.

Perhaps you didn't wash the dishes well, you should really have cleared the shower, but no reasonable person responds to this by hurtful insults, shouting and throwing fucking bins. This was my father, thinking that any slight wrongdoing was carte blanche for abusive and sometimes violent outbursts, and it was always your fault because you should have cleaned the shower and his terrible childhood meant he wasn't responsible anyway.

I can't remember if you said you have kids but if you do, you can absolutely trust me that he'll start on them too if he hasn't already.

Go on tell me who i am, o wise one

It's so depressing when people make statements like this on here and I'm afraid I immediately mark them down as idiots and roll my eyes.

As has often been said, Mumsnet is not a hive mind. There are a range of different opinions on here, and some are reasoned and informed and some less so. But this is not an echo chamber so bog off with your unsupported generalisations.

Calling you a fat pig and throwing bins at you is unforgivable.

Whether he's depressed or not, regardless of how much seaweed is in the shower or how well the dishes were or weren't washed.

That's a man with anger issues that doesn't respect you.

You know what to do, my love.

Well, you're an anonymous name on the internet but your posts have a touch of misogyny.