Seaweed gate

[Seasick201]

AIBU?
Had a big argument with my boyfriend this morning and I don’t know if I’m in the wrong.
Last night he came upstairs while I was in bed and asked who did the washing up. I said me, and he said it was filthy, then stormed off. A few minutes later he shouted from the bathroom asking why there was “seaweed” in the shower. I said I’d clean it off in the morning.
This morning he didn’t speak when we woke up, so I just got on with getting our daughter ready. He came in and demanded to know why I’d been using his pillow (I genuinely didn’t realise). Then when he went in the shower he started on at me again, saying I thought you were going to clean it up. I said I would, but I was busy with DD at the time. He then completely lost it and called me a “fat pig”.
After that he left for work — but left both the door and the gate wide open so the dog got out and I had to chase her down the street.
I’m upset and angry, but also second guessing myself. AIBU?

His reaction is completely over the top, and he certainly shouldn't be calling you a 'fat pig', but I wouldn't enjoy sharing space with a person who didn't clean up after themselves (right away, not eventually). It is inconsiderate.

You are still his girlfriend even you have a child together?

It's not cleaning the shower 'for him', it's cleaning up after yourself.

I think at this point he's treating you like shit just because he knows he can. This level of contempt in a relationship is impossible to come back from. Obviously he needs to go.
Tbh I would say he needs to go just from you being the breadwinner AND doing the majority of the housework too, that alone is ridiculous.

He'd enjoy it still less if she didn't actually do 100% of the housework, nearly all the childcare and paid most of the bills. Who's inconsiderate?

Ah yes, fair enough, I didn't read all the updates before responding. My bad!

😂

Also, I bet if you’re someone who struggles to clean things up immediately, you were like this before he chose to marry you. So he can hardly be surprised.

I'm pretty sure that excuse doesn't wash on mumsnet, on any thread entitled "DH doesn't..."

That said, it does seem like a stupid overreaction to some relatively minor annoyances.

Think about the role modeling you are doing for your daughter. Staying with him and excusing his behaviour to a shit childhood is literally ruining your DD’s childhood. Put her first not him.

Oh, would YOU behave in this utterly obnoxious and abusive manner to your partner and parent of your child if you'd been in his position? Even if the washing up HAD been done badly? Do you think that a sloppy job on occasion demands this sort of OTT and rude response?

You sound ... nice.

The clean freaks on the first page or two of this thread are hilarious/freak me out! What actual harm do you think a little bit of seaweed (assume we are talking a small frond that got stuck down a swimming costume rather than a metre of kelp or something) on the shower tray is going to do? My goodness. It'll get wiped up, OP hadn't given the impression that she regularly leaves sea debris in the shower to fester. Chill.

He is an abusive arse, but on the point of insurance, if you’re at home you’re perfectly entitled to leave your door open and will still be covered by your insurance. It’s only if the house is empty that you need to lock up for insurance purposes.

Everyone asking you about the fucking seaweed when it's clear his behaviour is abusive, and I was even going to ask if he's ever been physical with you, which he has if he's thrown a bin at you.

If he's aware he has childhood trauma that is making him violent then he needs to seek help for that. He cannot use that as an excuse for domestic abuse, which is exactly what he's doing now. He's gaining your sympathies so that you don't challenge his actions and he can lash out a you with impunity.

I would recommend speaking to a DV helpline that can give you some advice on this.

Will you all STFU calling OP lazy and hyper focusing on the seaweed when she's literally telling us she's in an abusive relationship and many of you are just saying shit that will make her feel that her boyfriend's abuse is justified.

I hope you get to read this before admin removes it: you are abuse apologist idiot.

@Seasick201 apparently threads are usually only moved if the OP requests. Would you consider asking for this thread to move to Relationships? You're more likely to get constructive and supportive responses there than in AIBU.

I think you need to sit down and have a really serious think about what he brings to the table in your relationship.

What do you get from him? If you are the main breadwinner and you do the majority of the housework and the childcare then what does he do? Is he a fantastic partner who supports you? Doesn’t sound like it. Is a fantastic dad? Doesn’t sound like it either.

You say you’re walking on eggshells, he calls you names in front of your child, throws things at you and then jokes that you won’t know which version of him you’re going to wake up to.

That doesn’t sound like a very nice relationship. It sounds like he’s using every little thing he can to attack and ridicule you. Does he fit into any of the criteria for narcissism?

Split up.

When I read that .... OP you do know what you need to do.

Youre the main breadwinner.
You do all the cleaning
90 Per cent of the childcare.

OK, you left a bit of seaweed in the shower and he complained that the washing up wasn't good enough...

If it was our house my DH would have just cleaned it up because we both clean as we go.. he might have mentioned it... but in no way would he have shouted at me when I was already in bed (and therefore tired) or bitched about me using his pillow (did it have his name on it?) or called me a fat pig.

When you said that he THREW A BIN AT YOU because you hadn't torn up the cardboard quite to his liking, even though you empty the bins 9/10....

• and that he jokes that you never know which version of him that you will wake up with
• ... and that he can't watch his DD on a scooter without calling you lazy, when you've been looking after her for two hours whilst he lies in bed.
• And that you feel like you are walking on egg shells.

I have to ask... What does he actually do? What does he bring to your life?
He sounds really nasty.

He’s not unreasonable in that you should have cleaned the shower straight away, but the rest? I would make plans to be rid of

I don't think the OP was worried about house insurance, more that he deliberately left the door and gate open and let the dog out so that she had to chase down the road to catch it?

It does sound like you're a bit careless about cleaning. That can be extremely annoying to a more fastidious person, but it's no excuse for calling you names (especially in front of your child) and letting the dog out.

I wouldn't be continuing a relationship with anyone who called me a fat pig. It's simply unacceptable.

It does sound like you're a bit careless about cleaning. That can be extremely annoying to a more fastidious person,

That might fly if the fastidious person had actually cleaned at all before someone was careless about the cleaning, genuinely fastidiously clean people do cleaning themselves to at least some degree. From the sound of it he doesn't do much (if any) of the cleaning, just expects the OP to do it all to his standards - after a full day at work and nearly all the child care.

Is your hygiene a bit iffy ? Sounds like it's getting to him if he likes everything clean

Why don't you wash the plates properly?
Why didn't you clean the shower after use?
The shouting isn't cool but perhaps he's had enough

Well throwing a bin at you, calling you horrible names and storming off leaving the door open are horrible behaviours no matter what your cleanliness is like.

So what jobs does he do @Seasick201 ? Does he have a paid job, does he do any childcare? Does he do any cooking, cleaning or washing up?

And yes get this thread moved to relationships OP. I think you'll get a different set of responses there.