Seaweed gate

[Seasick201]

AIBU?
Had a big argument with my boyfriend this morning and I don’t know if I’m in the wrong.
Last night he came upstairs while I was in bed and asked who did the washing up. I said me, and he said it was filthy, then stormed off. A few minutes later he shouted from the bathroom asking why there was “seaweed” in the shower. I said I’d clean it off in the morning.
This morning he didn’t speak when we woke up, so I just got on with getting our daughter ready. He came in and demanded to know why I’d been using his pillow (I genuinely didn’t realise). Then when he went in the shower he started on at me again, saying I thought you were going to clean it up. I said I would, but I was busy with DD at the time. He then completely lost it and called me a “fat pig”.
After that he left for work — but left both the door and the gate wide open so the dog got out and I had to chase her down the street.
I’m upset and angry, but also second guessing myself. AIBU?

You’re the breadwinner, do all of the housework and childcare, and he screams at you that you’re a fat pig and throws the bin at you? What’s the question here other than how to remove him? Assuming it’s your house?

I would suggest to him that he' be better living alone and getting proper therapy and help for his 'trauma' than using it as an excuse to get angry with you.

Is it your house OP? If it is get rid of him. Honestly no amount of walking on eggshells, calling you a fat pig or chucking a bin at you is ok.

I spent 15 years lone parenting and it has been hard but blissfully peaceful.

You deserve better and DD deserves not to be taught about dysfunctional relationships.

You're part of a horde of posters who can't see a story about an abusive man without trying to blame women somehow, even when that means, as it usually does, making up a story that didn't happen where the woman was the aggressor instead and then going "BUT U DONT CARE ABUT THIS ABUSED MAN I JUST MADE UP MISSAANDREEEE". In other words, a horde that comes on to a forum precisely because you know it's mostly female and then complaining that it centres women rather than being an Old Bailey of perfect blind justice in all things.

If you need to clean your palette with some woman hating, may I introduce you to the rest of the Internet. I know this place is far from perfect, there are some things that annoy me too, but it's only because it's mostly women here - which is unusual - that you're so offended by that fact.

🙄 hope my wee fierce, resilient, independent little female daughter doesn't think that about her mum.

Yeah he needs to go. He's emotionally and physically abusive and a shit upbringing and childhood trauma is not an excuse - it can make things harder absolutely but it doesn't absolve him of his accountability and if he's not coping then he gets himself to the Dr or therapy or another support service he doesn't get to abuse you as his coping strategy. Most people with awful upbringings do all they can to do better than what they experienced.

I can see why these things are irritating, but if he's not stepping up and doing his share of the household tasks then I agree that he doesn't get to sit back twiddle his thumbs and then critique you in an abusive way. I think you need to really consider what you're teaching your dd - you're showing her that her role as a woman is to basically serve an abusive man, do all the work, take abuse on the chin and still do all the caretaking. You're also teaching her that this is what a normal healthy relationship looks like. She deserves more than that op and I know people often feel guilty about 'splitting a family' but realistically he's already done that through his actions, not you.

Aye, whatever you say eh

I can't believe people are focusing on the seaweed over the fact that he lost it and shouted abuse at you- nothing is an excuse for that- if he has a problem he can discuss it in a civilised manner, sort it himself or keep zipped about it. You have every right to be angry and upset, apologise for leaving seaweed in the shower, and tell him the relationship will be over if he ever speaks to you like that again...

The dp in this scenario is a domestic abuser. Your posts are not appropriate.

No need to shout at me dear. I love most of my fellow females😁

Is this ANY excuse for his behaviour or his calling her a fat pig??? NO.

He sounds like a massive twat.

But you cant be leaving seaweed in the shower like that just because you couldnt be arsed to clean it up.

@Seasick201 Hi! Firstly I love your title! 🤣

Can I ask why you are the breadwinner? Is he off sick or unemployed or something as whilst it doesn't excuse his behaviour, it does give more background.

I think you know the answer here, its not working and unless you can add something to the equation that makes this a temporary situation or gives more understanding of the dynamics it doesn't look a healthy relationship.

Whilst you are a good mum, not wanting to argue in front of a child, your lack of defence gives the impression you are at fault to your kids and its teaching them that Dad is right and that it is OK to talk to you like that. And let me make it clear now, that even if he was right, he shouldn't be doing this in front of the kids. There are ways of giving constructive criticism and this is not it.

Calling you unprompted names and endangering your kids and pets by leaving the house and garden wide open, shows his irresponsible nature and its totally inappropriate, he is not a kid having a paddy. He was clearly in a bad mood and was taking it out on you. You shouldn't have left the seaweed in the bathroom and if you are going to wash up, do it properly!

Having said all of that, if you are pushed for time and multitasking, its mission impossible and there will always be something for him to moan about should he so chose, as you are not superwoman and he needs to take his fair share of the load. Why are you allowing this? Is there something we are missing from the picture?

If you are the breadwinner, do the childcare and 90% of the housework, what does he bring to your relationship and parenting? I don't expect you to answer that publicly, I would just like you to think about what there is in this relationship for you and the kids. So yeah he is Dad, but if he is going to show the kids its ok to treat you like a substandard slave , what sort of example is this for your kids to follow. Will your kids expect this dynamic in their future relationship? Is that OK in your head?

Only you know if there is some reason for giving him some slack on this, but at the very least you need to sit down and set boundaries with him. This behaviour is self defeating, is he doesn't like the speed at which you do stuff, tell him to pull his weight because his current actions do not make a good environment in which to bring up kids. I frequently snuggle into my partners pillow - what's the big deal, unless of course you wear tango fake tan and leave a trail on it?

You sound a strong woman, you need to realise your own worth, you seem to do most things, so what exactly does he bring to the relationship, as it seems you could cope quite well without him but it sounds like he would struggle without you???

i mean you can, but would anyone say its fine for a husband to leave mud all over the shower after a game of rugby?

She might if she told you a similar story when older and you asked her why she hadn't cleaned out the shower properly rather than telling her that no one has the right to shout abuse at her. The poster is someone's daughter too.

Well clearly you don't love reading posts, since I never called you a man and the 'shouting' was clear ironic mockery, but thanks for confirming the suspicion. "My fellow females", good Lord.

You asked a question, admittedly you didn't ask me directly but it was posed publicly. That's the answer. I think we all know what you'll do with the information.

This is 2025, (presumably in Uk) us females have AUTONOMY. We are so fuckin lucky to live in these times.