Seaweed gate

[Seasick201]

AIBU?
Had a big argument with my boyfriend this morning and I don’t know if I’m in the wrong.
Last night he came upstairs while I was in bed and asked who did the washing up. I said me, and he said it was filthy, then stormed off. A few minutes later he shouted from the bathroom asking why there was “seaweed” in the shower. I said I’d clean it off in the morning.
This morning he didn’t speak when we woke up, so I just got on with getting our daughter ready. He came in and demanded to know why I’d been using his pillow (I genuinely didn’t realise). Then when he went in the shower he started on at me again, saying I thought you were going to clean it up. I said I would, but I was busy with DD at the time. He then completely lost it and called me a “fat pig”.
After that he left for work — but left both the door and the gate wide open so the dog got out and I had to chase her down the street.
I’m upset and angry, but also second guessing myself. AIBU?

I am sorry you are being subjected to domestic violence and coercive behaviour.

You need to leave, go somewhere safe and manage the breakup of this relationship.

That changes the picture entirely but I my previous point that you are incompatible.

Is he often like this?

The outburst about the pillow is particularly bizarre. It sounds as if he is taking something out on you.

Also storming off and letting the dog out.

Does he do his share of cleaning? Is he particular and pernickity?

He is either basically an abusive bully, or he has some crisis or problem on his mind that he is not sharing with you, or he is checking out of the relationship, resenting the air that you breathe and blaming you for that rather than facing up to the fact (my exes behaviour).

You think it's OK that he called her a fat pig? Really?

Get a dishwasher and a nicer boyfriend. Two problems solved.
You'll just have to bend down and clean the seaweed though.

So in your world, not cleaning the shower is the same as throwing a bin at your partner's head? You don't see any difference in those things? Or are you saying she deserves this treatment because she didn't clean the shower properly? Do you think you have got this right, really?

He sounds horrible, I don’t usually say leave but I would be looking to leave.

You’re the breadwinner and do 90% of stuff round the house - who does he think he is to even pass comment?

Yes I would probably be a bit annoyed if my partner left seaweed in the shower - however we split everything 50:50 including finances and housework. He’s got no room to say anything when he doesn’t contribute.

Throwing a bin at you, calling you names, and leaving the door open putting the dog in danger is abusive.

Does he actually add anything positive to your life OP?

That's not what I said.

You said they are both as bad as each other which insinuates that?

That’s bloody horrible. There’s absolutely no excuse for the way he has treated you. Sharing household chores comes with a little frustration sometimes but he’s really crossed a line with the abuse. I wouldn’t tolerate being called a fat pig from a stranger on the street, let alone from the man who shares my home and bed! He’s behaved horribly and he knows it. He’ll probably continue to behave horribly for as long as you’ll accept it. This doesn’t sound like a healthy, safe, loving relationship and that should be the bare minimum standard.

He's an abusive cocklodger. Imagine the relief you'll feel no longer living with him! You and you daughter deserve better.

The sooner you end this, the less it will hopefully affect your daughter.

So he verbally abuses you.
He physically abuses you.
He's lazy.
He does nothing to support your family.
He sponges off you.
He does nothing around the house.
He's a useless parent. Worse than useless, because your daughter is witnessing his abuse.
And if you fail to please him, he throws a tantrum and endangers you all.

You need to get rid of him, OP. The sooner the better.

You said they're as bad as each other. What could you possibly have meant by that?

Intentional verbal abuse and letting the dog out is not the same as op doing the dishes less that perfectly (I bet they weren't "filthy", don't forget that was the abusive dp's description) and a bit of seaweed in the shower.

They are certainly NOT as bad as each other. Ranting and raving, calling her a fat pig (possibly in front of their child?), leaving the door open and endangering the dog are in no way on a par with a bit of poor housekeeping.

If OP isn’t pulling her weight around the house he can talk to her about it like a sane adult. If things are really bad he even has the option to leave the relationship (frankly I’m betting she still does a lot more than he does) - but nothing gives him the excuse to do and say what he did.

I assume that he ate the meal that was cooked using the stuff that was washed up.

I assume that he uses the shower that he moaned was dirty.

I assume the child in question that you’re busy looking after is 50% his.

Why is everything your responsibility when he is also a part of your household and team?

Hes treating the house like a hotel and you like a maid and childcare provider.

Are you happy to spend the rest of your life with this man? Are you his servant, his chattle? Are you happy forevermore to keep running around after him, jumping to his every wish? Come on, girl, have more pride in yourself and more confidence in your future! No one should be treated like this. It is not your role to be his chopping block. You deserve so much more in life.

You think not rinsing a shower is just as bad as completely losing it, calling a partner names and throwing things at them?

Initially I was thinking that, whilst it sounded like an extreme reaction it is actually very frustrating to live with someone who doesn’t clean up after themselves. However given your updates it sounds like he doesn’t do anywhere near his fair share and is just an abusive arsehole. Do you think he can change and if not, are you happy to continue living like this? IME this type of person will always find something to berate you about, regardless of how hard you try to appease them.

This is abuse and he can take his childhood trauma and fuck off with it. Sending you the self esteem to tell him that. When he says they aren’t clean enough you say you do it then, it’s 10,000 times cleaner than if I’d left them for you, since you do fuck all cleaning of anything. When he said you have to do something, you say you’re right, I’m off to bed to get some of the 2 hour lie in you’ve had. Just stop putting up with him. Tell him he can do it or he can shut up , and if he kicks off kick him out. Which is probably what you should do.

I admit it’s not a giant mission to pick up seaweed as u leave the shower, but;
a bit of seaweed isn’t going to hurt any1!
what a ridiculous fuss about nothing!
why couldn’t bf pick it up & put into loo?
bf’s answer was to allow the dog to potentially have an accident?
1 of my rules is; if member of household doesnt like the way i’ve done something, then obviously moh has to do it themselves, or shut up.
edited to add: if he can’t be trusted to keep the pet safe then he can’t be trusted with a child.

Throwing a bin at you, calling you a fat pig, shouting at you, all abusive. Please try to get away as it will only get worse.

I have c-PTSD.
i dint treat people like this.
His childhood trauma might be a reason but it’s not an excuse.

Leaving the bathroom in a state is swanky but so is name calling and putting the dog's life in danger by leaving the gate open.
You aren't compatible. Call time on this one!

First post nails it. He will find any excuse to put you down and find reasons to bully, call you names and find fault. Don't expose your daughter to this man any longer.

I had an ex like this and put up with it longer than I should have. It wears you down until your self esteem is rock bottom and leaving is harder.