Seaweed gate

[Seasick201]

AIBU?
Had a big argument with my boyfriend this morning and I don’t know if I’m in the wrong.
Last night he came upstairs while I was in bed and asked who did the washing up. I said me, and he said it was filthy, then stormed off. A few minutes later he shouted from the bathroom asking why there was “seaweed” in the shower. I said I’d clean it off in the morning.
This morning he didn’t speak when we woke up, so I just got on with getting our daughter ready. He came in and demanded to know why I’d been using his pillow (I genuinely didn’t realise). Then when he went in the shower he started on at me again, saying I thought you were going to clean it up. I said I would, but I was busy with DD at the time. He then completely lost it and called me a “fat pig”.
After that he left for work — but left both the door and the gate wide open so the dog got out and I had to chase her down the street.
I’m upset and angry, but also second guessing myself. AIBU?

Then you are in support of abusing women? Good to know.

I think a lot of us can understand it’s much easier to tell you to leave than it is to go. Why don’t you start by calling Women’s Aid for some support? Or even just a friend or relative who would be supportive. Do your family like this man?

Did you read my first paragraph or my third.

There is NEVER an excuse to call your partner names. None of my post was supposed to suggest there was.

And to be fair I think a poster making those statements would be told to seek help, regardless of their gender or who didn't do the dishes properly.

You made a personal attack on me so I reported you. MN agreed so it was deleted. That's why the function exists.

I presume you're not an adult? Because an adult would be able to read an account of domestic abuse and not join in attacking the victim with nonsense like this.

You sound unmatched cleanliness wise but obviously he is a disgusting arsehole.

Hes abusive. He needs to deal with his "traumas" on his own, and not be in a relationship while he does so. You definitely need to not be in this relationship.

But your comment was never valid because the OP mentioned the name calling and the dog. You weren’t comparing like with like in your ‘imagine if a woman complained about z’ because that was never actually the issue here. The suggestion that this guy is getting judged harshly for being irritated at some undone household chores sits quite awkwardly in the actual context of this thread.

Maybe he should actually do something other than a few bedtime stories.

Maybe she is just knackered. She is the breadwinner that does everything else

What is the point of him.

What does he bring to the table other than abuse, more work and endangering the family dogs life and wrecking other family’s lives of those who could have been killed avoiding ddog on the road just because the washing up wasn’t done to his standard and there was a bit of seaweed in the shower

Given he didn’t wash up and there is only 1 other person who could have washed up then why ask the question Who did the washing up?
Is he seeing multiple people in the house. Can’t he remember if it was him who did the washing up.

If you had told him he did the washing up and he had replied with he hadn’t then the question had to be asked why he was asking “Who” in the first place.

So you know the answer. You aren't married, get rid.

He does have good qualities but for the last couple of months, I have been on egg shells.

I've been with my husband for 40 years. I'm messy and untidy and that simply doesn't bother me. My husband is exactly the opposite- he likes everything to be neat and tidy and in its place. However he loves me and our son far more than he cares about tidiness. He has never shouted, sworn at me, called me names or endangered a pet's life. I've never been on egg shells.

I'd be fucking furious if he did that with my dog and he'd be gone. Women tolerate far too much shit.

And direct quote from *CaptainMyCaptain *Yes, I'd be annoyed if someone left sea weed in the shower and left the washing up filthy. You both sound as bad as the other

And also I don’t think your partner is unreasonable here

And the other comments that amount...'Well, WAS the shower dirty, OP? Hmmm? Hmmmm?"

What the actual fuck?

Is it apologists for abusive male behaviour day on MN?

I really wonder what shit people are putting up with in their lives to think that verbal abuse, abusive behaviour and adult tantrums is a completely acceptable way to deal with normal domestic stuff.

Oh God. What a thought.

Absolutely. As @IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle says, I have never once trod on egg shells around my partner, however much our individual habits might annoy each other day to day. I’ve never shouted abusive names at him, thrown anything at him, or taken my annoyance out on a pet. NONE of that is normal.

FFS we don’t actually know what the OP said to him, we’ve only heard one side of the argument. Perhaps she replied with something equally repulsive back. As always with these kind of threads, she won’t leave him so you’re wasting your time giving advice. It’s also horrible to live with someone who is dirty.

He always goes back to saying how it’s just childhood trauma meaning he can’t deal with issues like normal!

In that case he needs to deal with his trauma before he attempts to do 'normal' things like living with another person or having a child. Childhood trauma is not a
licence to be an abusive adult.

OP YOU ARE BEING ABUSED, it will not change in a positive way it will only get worse. You are worth far more than what you currently think you are.
Think how much happier you will be, how less stressful your daily life will be without this man in it. He may well have some redeeming qualities but his negative traits will far outweigh anything positive.
Think about the example you are setting your child, do you want them to grow up thinking it is acceptable to be treated the way in which you are by the person who is supposed to love you the most.
The throwing of the bin at you, will only escalate and next time it may be his hand he raises to you, then his fist, his feet.
Please as hard as it may be, please get away, and live your life in peace.
I have posted on Mumsnet before, about my beloved Aunty who like you lived with a man who didn't treat her right, she was a victim of verbal abuse to begin with, then physical and then he killed her, she was 34 and left my two cousins as orphans, her death has affected them both enormously. Please don't be another victim/statistic.

The problem is if he is carrying out this type of miserable emotional abuse how would shared custody look. It makes it really difficult.

I would be making notes of these interactions and the endangerment of the family dog and what could have happened and all the comments he makes so when (not if) you decide to bring this relationship to an end you have evidence about his lack of care and lack of doing any such chores.

I would be getting evidence/screen shots/photos of where his money is going and if he has any investments, savings etc stashed away

I would also find out about his wages and pension etc

I would also start getting up with dd and getting her ready in the mornings and prising those bits he does with your dd out of his hands as someone like this will paint you as a slovenly mother who can’t be arsed to clean up after yourself or get out of bed in the morning to get dd ready and he is the one to put her to bed at night and will go for full custody.
In his mind you will move out and pay him CM the mortgage and bills and he will keep the family home whilst you can get a rented flat.

He is abusive. So get irrefutable evidence. Cameras are your answer.

I didn’t reply to him because I brushing DDs hair when he started and that’s not fair on her. Also, if I did clean up, then he was annoyed about the washing up and then a pillow. I don’t think it was anything I did, he was in a foul mood.

He's useless and abusive.

What you do with this knowledge is up to you, OP, but be careful.

Wow he sounds terrible, has he always been like this?
I'd be thinking what sort of example is this setting your daughter about how people are treated in a relationship and how to treat you.
Sorry but I'd seriously consider ending the relationship based on what you said

What a ridiculous comment. The OP is a bit untidy. He is violent, unpredictable, controlling, lazy and aggressive.